Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Howdy, friends, I'm Cal Worthington and this is my dog Spot…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:01 PM Permalink

…Mayor Bloomberg, the billionaire that just loves the homeless so much he's passing out free plane tickets! [RIP Cal, I miss ya! Bill] And hot damn do we have some mighty fine vacationing bargains for you today, bargains that are just plain impossible to resist to the Big Apple, one of the largest cities in the world and, thanks to my dog Spot, one of the most inexpensive vacation packages you ever even heard any good lies about!

Why check out this this value! First we send you and you family to New York using one of those new flat rate post office boxes where if it fits, they'll ship it for one low flat rate. Then we arrange semi-tolerable accommodations for you and your loved ones at any one of the many, many homeless shelters spread throughout the city where all your meals are free, so any money you do take with you should be saved to buy Greg's Papayas or Nathan's Hot Dogs and trips to the top of the Empire State Building! The kids will love it and love you for it after they experience the sheer excitement of the seamy underbelly of what used to be the underbellies seamiest city in America! Hookers, drug dealers, and Wall Street con artists (oh, my!)! Sights the kids are unlikely to ever see again, so get going before it's to late to get gone!

Stay as long as you like! Stay until you have become such a burden to the city, during which you can do some unsurpassed sightseeing, that Mayor Bloomberg…uh…sorry, Spot…until Spot becomes so sick of extending hospitality in one of the most unfriendly cities in America that he will buy you free, that's right, FREE plane tickets home for you and your family provided someone on the other end is willing to take you in, which is a guaranteed thang as today I'm also announcing the grand opening of the "Cal Worthington and His Dog Spot Vacation Return Centers" located in cities all up and down the West Coast, where my staff will gladly verify you have a place to live without revealing that place is your own home!

So come on down to what used to be Wide-Track Town and get yourself a brand new Pontiac vacation for pennies on the dollar, no down payment required, and only a small fee charged for the initial shipping of you and your family!

My dog Spot and I will be waitin' for ya!

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