Saturday, February 18, 2006

Cartoon uproar felt throughout Bay Area*

posted by The Vidiot @ 11:28 PM Permalink

Today the Acme Corporation [NASDAQ: ACME (halliburtonus sardonicus)] disclosed they had lied about positive forecasts and manipulated their stock price. Shares immediately fell to the sellers' cellars and closed under the boardwalk. Stockholders demanded answers. Said one who wished to remain anonymous, "Tarnation! These varmints have plumb cleaned me out! Why I oughta ..."

CEO 'Duck' Cunningpork refused to comment except to say "These chargeth are dethpicable and bathleth!"

Wall Street insiders were shocked at the sudden collapse of the company in light of the frequent no-bid contracts they received from the Coalition Provisional Authority. These lucrative contracts, which included 25,000 bags of birdseed; 13,000 gallons of desert tunnel paint; 1,250 giant coil springs; 582 cases of dynamite; 187 'Jetson' style death ray guns; 16 industrial teeter-totters; 4 tons of TNT; two slide whistles and one giant X, were awarded even when many other companies could provide the items cheaper and with foolproof guarantees.

An ACME official in Iraq, who declined to be identified for fear of retribution, described the situation as "Crazy son, I say it was crazy, now listen to me when I'm talking to you. They had suitcases full of cash, solid gold HumVees and one peculiar little fellow with a shotgun always claiming he was goin' rabbit hunting. I went with him once. He damn near blew my tailfeathers off! Fortunately, I say fortunately son, I always keep a spare set of tailfeathers!"

Marvin the Martian, ACME's Director of Iraqi Operations, responded to questions regarding his role in the corruption: "You earthlings make me furious! Now stand on this giant X while I get my ray gun!"

Concerned that the scandal might go higher in the administration, a White House spokesman said off the record "The p p ppictures of the P P Ppresident and Wile E. Coyote (genius) p p pprove nothing! The P P Ppresident shakes hands with many p p p poli, p p poli ... lobbyists! Th Th Th That's all folks!"

*Yeah, I know it's a real headline, and I know the subject is serious. But the serious and the absurd are not mutually exclusive. Get it? Got it! Good!


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