Captain Ahab bush promises to catch the Great White Whale…posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:37 PM Permalink …of our economy, no matter the cost of failed banks, holding companies, and the fact that he wouldn't recognize the Great White Whale if it jumped up onto the deck of the ship.
As if to prove his fearlessness Captain Ahab has weighted down his ship with trillions of dollars of lost home equity, a black hole of an Oil War in Iraq, he has fired the cooler, calmer heads helping to run his Ship of State that were constantly trying to bail Ahab out of trouble and preventing Ahab from getting into yet another useless war to stop his fictitious competition from getting the hide of that Great White Whale.
"The Great White Whale is strong, and its fundamentals are even stronger. I have been pursuing this whale for the last seven years, but it somehow remains elusively beyond my grasp. I have ordered my ship's armory to devise a nuclear harpoon that will spell certain doom for that whale, and it will mean we will all incur scurvy as we reduce the crew's food to the bare minimum so that I can keep up the strength of my officers, the ones that allowed me to start this pursuit and the ones that will benefit personally from the harpooning of the beast," the Captain said. "I have also done my best to fire all those who would resist my reckless venture and have replaced them with the type of sycophantic crew members who will back up everything I say or do, and believe me, I will be keeping them all extremely busy.
"The ship's quartermaster says we are out of money but not to worry, there are several Chinese stealth submarines following my ship at all times, I presume so that they may share the glory of finally whittling that whale down to the size where it may be drowned in a bathtub, and they have generously financed my expedition with billions and billions and billions…uh…how many billions? Too many billions to count, all in an effort to see that I bring down that Great White Whale of our economy to its non-existent knees. Then I'll allow the Chinese to pick bare the bones of the whale, exposing the skeleton underneath that is insufficiently strong to bear the weight of our economy.
"And just for fun, and because I prefer to minimize people by giving them nicknames instead of addressing them by their real names, I'm gonna call all of y'all Ismael, and your all going to like it or walk the plank, with the poorest of you going first, followed by the sick and infirm, as usual, and then we might throw in a banker or two who doesn't want to join me on this futile hunt for the Great White Whale economy and that instead want to actually help. Imagine that. If we help out the poor people they will only go on wild shopping sprees for nonsense like food, medicines, education, health care and all that other stuff swallowed up by the Great White Whale economy.
"And this despite the fact that it was me alone that started this policy of pursuing Whales of Mass Destruction, it's my idea, and I don't want Bernanke or Paulson to try and take any credit when I have finally killed the beast and spurred the collapse of the skeletal structure of the Great White Whale economy. Fools, damn fools, all of them and I hereby swear and avow that I will do as much damage as I can in the pursuit of the beast and destroy it with my own hands! And maybe a nuclear harpoon or two.
"Is that the sound of water coming in over the bow?"