Are shark attacks rising dramatically? An interview with a Great White Shark…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:27 PM Permalink

…at an undisclosed location (latitude 36.288563, longitude-124.046631) somewhere in the deep, deep area of the Pacific off the coast of Monterey, California, smack dab in the long and well-known path of great white sharks that seem to spend a lot of time "just cruisin'" along the California/Oregon/Washington/Canadian coastlines, I rendezvoused with one of the leaders of the shark movement, a Great White that shall remain anonymous:

Me: Tell me Fred, why are the number of shark attacks rising so dramatically around the world?

Fred: Have you taken a look at our oceans lately? Just the regular mundane poisoning of our seas has poisoned all the fish that had been staples of our diet, driving us ever closer toward the coastlines to feed.

Me: Why is it then, Mr. Great White, that even though the number of attacks keep rising steadily the number of fatalities from shark attacks is actually going down?

Fred: You're kidding me, right? Have you ever tasted a human? Y-u-u-u-u-c-c-k! You humans contain so much fat that eating your mushy, tasteless flesh has become a desperate act of survival for us sharks. If I didn't feel like a thermometer ever time I ate a blue or yellow fin tuna I would be eating them everyday and never touch a human again.

Me: And the drop in fatalities reflects that view?

Fred: Well, that and the conservation steps that the shark community are taking to insure a steady food supply.

Me: Conservation steps? What do you mean?

It was agreed by treaty at our last meeting of the Worldwide Shark Organization that if you took only one limb, or one big bite from the meatier portions of a human body, you would be saving the rest of the human body. Our studies have shown that so-called "shark attack survivors" will almost invariably return to the water to show that they have conquered their fear, thus providing a steady source of food for future attacks.

Me: A Worldwide Shark organization? Treaties? Studies? You can't be serious!

Fred: Of course I'm serious! Haven't you heard of the hugh floating body of trash that is as big as your state of Texas? I'm ocean-bound, obviously, but if Texas is as big as that floating muck of plastic, cans, sewage, and detritus dumped by your cruise ships and ocean liners, I know that it's a hugh state. And don't you think we sharks keep up with current events of ocean-wide importance?

Me: Like what?

Oh you human! Now I know you're pulling my fins. Hello? The Gulf of Mexico oil spill? Don't you people recognize the threat this poses to us? Don't you listen to the news?

Me; Sure I do, but that begs the question: How do you follow the news?

Fred: Man, you're dumber than a seahorse. I have row after row of sensors all down the length of my body and you don't realize that we sharks can eavesdrop on your radio communications? Anyway, all of us have been listening to the reports that tend to indicate that balls of oil/tar are washing up on your east coast. Aren't you? Doesn't that tell you that millions and millions of gallons of oil went right past the southern tip of Florida only to get snagged and carried northward by the Atlantic Gulf stream? That's why you have fish dying as their major food source, plankton and the smaller fish that feed on the plankton dying, the larger fish that fed on them starving to death, and it just keeps going right up the food chain, which is why we sharks are coming closer to shore than ever. But even the alpha predators like us realize that there must be a concerted and coordinated movement to keep shark attacks on humans at a manageable limit. Enough to feed, but not enough to scare the food out of the water.

Me: Fred, I really appreciate you taking the time today to clear up these important issues, but even a mere man such as me can see that you are getting hungry, and I don't like the way you're staring at my legs.

Fred: No, no, I thank you. It's about time there was some communication between species. May I tempt you to a swim? The water is s-o-o-o nice this time of year.

Me: Uh… thanks but no thanks, I have to get back to the bigger boat.

I'll gladly escort you back to that larger boat, OK?

Labels: big oil, endangered species, EPA, gulf of mexico oil spill, humor, hunger, oilcano, snark