I believe the 2012 elections will be hailed as the greatest tragi-comedy in American history…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:54 PM Permalink
…And writing of the political scene over the seemingly interminable period of time up to the elections will be even easier than time travel. I mean there are what, about two-thousand and three republican candidates for the teabagger-gop-ers to lay waste to before they even get around to lashing out against Obama with the renewed vigor of a rabid squirrel trying to crack his nuts or the nuts of someone else. It is laughable and thoroughly entertaining to see so many clowns taking themselves so seriously as they try to hold two inapposite positions on almost every issue.
I am slightly disappointed, as I'm certain Tina Fey is as well, that Sawah Pawin has not entered the race for the conservative, über righteous religious rightwingers who believe her entirely and without question when she recounts the heroic tale of Paul Revere and his stern, shouted, and megaphoned warnings to the British that they had better not even attempt to take away our arms. Let this edify those insipid liberals who actually believed the contrived claptrap of that flaming liberal Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) when he wrote in part:
Listen my children and you shall hear Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere, On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five; Hardly a man is now alive Who remembers that famous day and year.
He said to his friend, "If the British march By land or sea from the town to-night, Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch Of the North Church tower as a signal light,– One if by land, and two if by sea; And I on the opposite shore will be, Ready to ride and spread the alarm Through every Middlesex village and farm, For the country folk to be up and to arm." …
You know the rest. In the books you have read How the British Regulars fired and fled,— How the farmers gave them ball for ball, From behind each fence and farmyard wall, Chasing the redcoats down the lane, Then crossing the fields to emerge again Under the trees at the turn of the road, And only pausing to fire and load.
So through the night rode Paul Revere; And so through the night went his cry of alarm To every Middlesex village and farm,— A cry of defiance, and not of fear, A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door, And a word that shall echo for evermore! For, borne on the night-wind of the Past, Through all our history, to the last, In the hour of darkness and peril and need, The people will waken and listen to hear The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed, And the midnight message of Paul Revere.
Now I ask you, who the hell would lend any credence to a twisted tale of a legendary event until it has been subjected to review and correction by a historian of Sawah's standing and obvious all-encompassing knowledge and ability to correctly interpret American History? Just because she might have a different understanding of the words "wadsworth" and "longfellow" doesn't mean that she can't shoot wolves, foxes, and small harmless creatures from the comfort of a low and slow flying aircraft using the high powered rifles that Paul Revere warned the British we would not relinquish until the very last liberal was dead.
It is regrettable that old Huckabee and his revisionist comedic rewriting of history to reveal Ronnie Raygun as the true pioneer that discovered America, settled it, expanded it, and wiped out most of the trespassing indigenous populations of Native Americans unable to provide birth certificates and thus prove themselves citizens and landowners won't be running for the nomination. The sheer heroism of Reagan is certain to be revered in comic books everywhere since that medium, also referred to as graphic novels, is the chosen means by which Huckabee has chosen to educate our children, the handicapped, the ill, the infirm, the elderly, and the homeless who perpetuate those lifestyles out of laziness and the desire for America to be a welfare state. Yes sir, he will soon disabuse all the unfortunate and persons in need of the notion that Jesus would do anything whatever to alleviate their plight and aid them in rising out of poverty and into the now perilously-hanging-on-by-the-skin-of-their-teeth "middle class" while simultaneously espousing the destructive policies that are and will continue to ravage that very same middle class.
See what I mean when I say republican teabagger-gop-ers are fully able to hold two inapposite positions at the same time?
And speaking of time, I'm going time traveling for a while now so I'll undoubtedly see you before you see me again.
Ciao, bella ámi.
QUERY: What kind of statement or comment does it make regarding Dylan Ratigan in view of the fact that the theme music for his show is a short track of Uriah Heep's 1972 song Easy Living? He may be living easy but the reality that the majority of his viewers probably aren't just strikes me as ironic. Really, moog synthesizers playing the intro to a serious news program?
posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:16 PM Permalink
…After a successful mission requiring every bit of my military training, surreptitious black ops, international intrigue, spy craft, and the application of the full power of my mutant brain to accomplish my sacred task: buying the house next door.
It's a long and frightening story; not for the faint of heart nor those with nervous disorders, hives, scabies, rabies, winkin' blinkin' or nod. I knew that it would be a difficult task given the given propensities of banks that finance mortgages to not finance mortgages, complicated further by the fact that it was a short sale purchase wherein the former owner walked away from a one zillion dollar mortgage, which I picked up for a song and a dance and only a mere one-third of a zillion dollars. I am sworn to secrecy and shall never reveal what song I sang nor the dance I danced.
We were forced to make this move for my enemies, who are legion, had discovered my carefully hidden lair, forcing me to establish a new secret headquarters lair where it would be extremely or impossibly difficult for my enemies to ascertain my whereabouts. It's a clever ploy and although I have never really tried this in the past, my main guard dog, Xanatos (pictured in my responses to comments) assures me that the very fact that it took the neighborhood squirrels almost two days to find the dogs after an exploratory leap to our new fence line bodes well for our future security. The squirrels have been unable to penetrate our comprehensive new alarm system, although I do not know if that is because they are just stupid rats with tails, or that they lack digital dexterity, or that squirrels are genetically inclined to non-curiosity regarding alarm systems.
I am happy to be coming in from the cold, which I can do as the regulatory authorities here at VidiotSpeak never sent me a burn notice meaning that they would completely disavow any knowledge of me and/or my activities, which is for the best as I have strange proclivities better not revealed.
Another factor in my return is receipt through diplomatic channels an "eyes only" missive that the Vidiot, now on foreign assignment, is having difficulty learning the native language in her country of temporary assignment. I wanted to relay to her the sage advice given me once by a language expert at Langley (that's Langley, Minnesota, not Virginia) that you know you are truly grasping a language when you have a dream and everyone in the dream is speaking the subject language.
I remember one of my classmates bursting into class one day excitedly proclaiming that he dreamed the night before and everyone in his dream was speaking French, his assigned language.
The instructor, very excited, asked, "That's great! What were they talking about?"
The enthusiastic young agent replied, "I don't know! I couldn't understand a fucking word they were saying!"
I realize that this may not be the most helpful of information I can relay to the Vidiot and Dr. Vidiot in pursuit of their "vacation," but it has always struck me as amusing at the least and truthful at the most.
I will earnestly attempt to continue regular postings as now that my sacred mission, as described above, is no longer sucking all the oxygen from my brain, the political situation, dire as always but not as sheerly overwhelming to my now healthier mind, and the fact that I will face less boredom prompts me to take this action in the hopes of providing edification, pontification, exacerbation, and, as my son says, masturbation, available to the public at large or alternatively the large population.
I must sign off now, but I do harbor some small hope that any of the deranged readers I may have had will return to visiting this site often. Newly deranged readers are always welcome and will be accorded respect and subjected to my bizarre sense of wit and writing.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:40 PM PermalinkI’m Goin’ Huntin’ for New Year’s Supper
I didn’t get nuttin’ for Christmas and I’m really pissed off at Mom and Dad, Many other kids living in dry, big boxes got presents; for us there was naught to be had.
So I grabbed Daddy’s shotgun and told my parents, “There ain’t gonna be no repeat Of the Christmas Day spent watching the other kids eat; while we kids watched, they ate meat!”
Daddy got real quiet, Mom sobbed out of control, only my brothers and sisters asked what I’d do. I began and when I could see I had their full attention, I said, “I’m goin’ huntin’ at the zoo!”
This was far easier than a boy of eleven like me could ever had imagined, “Food, I see food!” I exclaimed, as I climbed a half-dead tree to the top of the fence, jumped over and there I stood,
Wild animals everywhere, lions, leopards, tigers, cheetahs, jaguars and all the big cats, Lemurs, warthogs, boars, wombats, wolverines, and hey! Giant snakes! Look at all that!
I was feeling both cocky and confident and had set my sights on the one human resident, The Ranger that lived there to protect the animals, be on fire watch, and do it all from his tent.
There he had radar, sonar, all sorts of listening and spying gear; enough to create and instill dread, Believe me, I felt that awful dread, right before loading the shotgun and shooting him dead.
You can imagine the consternation when I brought the Ranger home minus all his internals, Daddy yelled at me, Momma just held onto me, my siblings ran screamin’ from the animals,
Those big cats, unhurt, must have decided to follow me home, not knowing what to do after The big cats caught my brothers and sisters, one-by-one, playing till I thought of calling NAFTA,
NAFTA responded with alacrity, sirens blarin’, lights flarin’, arrested one-by-one, oh, what to do? “Wait!,” I cried,”I called you!” “You’re an enemy combatant now due to your acts at the zoo,”
Dad waved bye-bye, Mom’s tears continued to flow, I kept laughing until Mom just had to know, “Why the laughter, why so carefree?” “Because, mom, the judge trying this case is the one Dad most appeared before,” I said, “and all that time you thought I was behind the bench playing at the Judge’s knee,
I was blowing that S.O.B. till he was blind and could not see. Just wait, surprised you’ll be.” Sure enough, after the bailiff called my case and the Judge saw my face all he said was,”Set those people free! Bring that boy over to sit at my knee!”
A happy ending was had by all as the judge told me there was to be no more hunting at the zoo, No charges were filed for killing the park keeper, he’d been a lecher, a pedophile, a molester, too.
He is buried behind the courthouse, left unclothed to rot as worm food; the animals put in the zoo. The judge invited us to a fabulous repast, my siblings gone, Dad depressed, but Mom knew exactly what to do.
Standing and tapping her glass of wine like I’ve seen them in do movies to make a toast, Slyly she caught her husband’s eye, raised her glass to speak, saying,“This has been a terrible Christmas so allow me a quick toast, thank you for your kindness judge, but with only a single child left I certainly know now, what we’ll eat on Christmas next, so here and now I’m announcing a very special roast…” stopping to look at my face,“Why, it’s our one remaining child, the one with a face as white as a ghost!”
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:58 AM Permalink
… The First Few Days After Christmas
‘Twas a few days after Christmas and the house was quiet as a dead mouse, Though it was to be expected; it had been foreclosed upon by some banker louse, Who snidely told the evictees that being unemployed they didn’t deserve a home, “So just go back to the homeless shelter and pray there remain some bones, Leftover from the Christmas repast of vermin, roaches, bedbugs, maybe even a grouse!”
Each year the numbers of the financially-challenged poverty class continues to grow, The rich grow richer faster than before, looking ahead to profits that never slow. As usual there will be a group of softhearted, touched-in-the-head troublemakers. They refuse to belief that not all people are malingerers, not all are welfare queens and takers. “Bah! Humbug! Next election all America will know the true path these people follow!”
The hungry keep getting more hungry as they eye their medicines and cans of various food, Mulling their chances and deciding whether to choose between two things, both good, Forced to choose between death from untreated illness or death from slow starvation, The rich won’t care, don’t bother them, it’s unseemly and rude to disturb the rich on vacation, Despite the mounting death rates for babies and dead veterans stacked like cords of wood.
It is easy to see the rich teaching the fate of every boy; teaching them women are toys, With phony GOP claims that Democrats are bringers and doers of “evil” and out to “destroy!” republicans, are using ancient methods found to be tried and true by gwb and Big Dick Cheney, Breaking men’s minds one gray matter whorl at a time till it is wet, gray, mushy and grainy, Look there! 2012 storm clouds already spinning faster to ready and steady the running boy.
Then come’s the elected’s swearing in, oaths to protect America and Americans are made again, Oaths we now know without doubt will never be kept, partisanship overrides country and kin, 535 people now have jobs with generous benefits, vacation, medical care; all are ready to fly, No airplanes to go buy, this corporate option must be enough, how would you pick and why? I’d pick a Radio Flyer Wagon with four Secret Service Men to push me uphill again, my friend.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:19 AM Permalink
Today my Daddy came home happier than a long, long time, a smile on his face. Standing tall again, a glitter in his eye, a look toward Ma, she teasing him by concealing herself with lace. Demurely, her skin flushing that special red color denoting arousal of sexual kinds, That very special shade of red that end’s with the rending of clothes, out of your mutual minds,
They called each their love, speaking as lovers till he called out in climax her beautiful name, She slid from the bed, lay down her garment, slowly, with erotic grace, till it came into view, An .870 Remington shotgun she fired and fired, killing him dead, turned, bringing children into view, She told them, “It’s Frederica! My name is Frederica! Is it too much to ask?” she asked as she slowly slid to the floor, sweet tender calls to, “ I begged thee, please God, my name is Frederica. Frederica! FREDERICA, not FRED you dead bastard! Dead! Oh! Oh, if Frederick could only have remembered my name!”
NOTE: I thought I'd try something different: I cannot dance, my singing kills small animals, the only beings that hang off my every word are all Boston Terriers (they are a riot!), I'm nowhere near a world class athlete any longer, I can no longer pursue, catch, and incarcerate bailskips, and, frankly, I have been having lots of writer's block lately, accounting for the paucity of my writing lately.
In addition to these Grim Fairy Tales for the New Century I am open to suggestions submitted by our readers about different issues to which you might want another point of view; I'm here. I cannot guarantee I will address the specifics of your issue (some just require too much research), but factually or funnily, I will make every attempt to entertain you - especially if you bear in mind my extreme constant pain and the effects of all the drugs I am prescribed - and taking - and a special thanks to all those who chose to completely ignore them (as I wish I could!). Enjoy yourself, be happy, and drop me a line in a comment section if you'd like more.
posted by The Vidiot @ 1:31 PM Permalink
Sure, we nerds might be healthier in the long run:
UW Sociology professor Pamela Herd found that the better a study participant did in high school, the less likely he or she was to experience poor health as they reached retirement age.
But, still, people keep trying to piss us off and we all know how stress can ruin one's health.
(And I have to say, this image really does bug me on so many levels.)
Why the hell do these dumbass republicans think they are going…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:29 PM Permalink
…to do so well in the next elections? It's certainly not because they have done anything of merit. When Obama was elected president the republican party, top to bottom and back to the top again, swore an oath to become the party of "NO" and openly prayed for Obama to fail as president (IMO this had more to do with the color of his skin and not that he was a Democrat), and, then, ignoring the oaths of office they had taken they fought tooth-and-nail to try and insure that his administration did fail.
They have completely forgotten about their constituents. Democrats have dragged them kicking and screaming all the way to get what good legislation the Democrats proposed passed and now they are being so ignorant, asinine, utterly ridiculous and so obviously willing to put their personal agendas ahead of the needs, desires, and the very purpose for which they were elected - proposing and helping to get enacted legislation that isn't designed to be for "Rich People Only."
Country not in enough trouble financially? TAX BREAKS FOR THE RICH! That's the ticket! The same policies pursued by gwb and we all know how well that worked out!
Still insufficient medical care? Americans still suffering earlier deaths than the next 49 industrialized countries (You know, countries like Costa Rica), lower birth weight, higher infant mortality, more than 30% of our citizens growing morbidly obese, more citizens than ever homeless, and veterans returning from war with many, many different maladies? PROMISE TO REVOKE THE NEW HEALTH CARE LEGISLATION! CHANGE THE DEFINITIONS OF THINGS LIKE PTSD SO FEWER PEOPLE QUALIFY FOR TREATMENT! IGNORE HOMELESS VETERANS, THEY DON'T VOTE BECAUSE OF RESIDENCY REQUIREMENTS!
Population growing too obese to join the military? AUTOMATE WAR WITH DRONES AND BETTER MISSILES SO THERE IS NO NEED FOR MORE SOLDIERS!
Too many people slipping into poverty 'cause they can't find work and their benefits are expiring? LET THE BENEFITS EXPIRE SO THE LAZY BUMS GO FIND A JOB 'STEAD O' LIVING FABULOUSLY ON A GOVERNMENT CHECK!
A raped woman suffering horrible health risks if she carries full term? CHAIN THAT WOMAN TO A BED AND MAKE HER HAVE THAT BABY ANYWAY (TO INSURE THOSE RAPISTS GENES REMAIN IN THE GENE POOL)! (Oh, they want this one BADLY!)
The elderly finding it harder and harder not to slip into poverty? RAISE THE RETIREMENT AGE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY SO MORE OF THEM WILL DIE BEFORE COLLECTING BENEFITS!
And I could go on and on ad infinitum, but pretty much everyone knows the dark, evil, inner spirit that seems to motivate the GOP, neocons, republicans, teabaggers, conservatives, sick sycophants and/or any other appellation they choose.
They all stand for the same thing: TAKING AMERICA EVER DOWNWARD AND DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ANYONE BUT THE ALREADY RICH.
Are shark attacks rising dramatically? An interview with a Great White Shark…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:27 PM Permalink
…at an undisclosed location (latitude 36.288563, longitude-124.046631) somewhere in the deep, deep area of the Pacific off the coast of Monterey, California, smack dab in the long and well-known path of great white sharks that seem to spend a lot of time "just cruisin'" along the California/Oregon/Washington/Canadian coastlines, I rendezvoused with one of the leaders of the shark movement, a Great White that shall remain anonymous:
Me: Tell me Fred, why are the number of shark attacks rising so dramatically around the world?
Fred: Have you taken a look at our oceans lately? Just the regular mundane poisoning of our seas has poisoned all the fish that had been staples of our diet, driving us ever closer toward the coastlines to feed.
Me: Why is it then, Mr. Great White, that even though the number of attacks keep rising steadily the number of fatalities from shark attacks is actually going down?
Fred: You're kidding me, right? Have you ever tasted a human? Y-u-u-u-u-c-c-k! You humans contain so much fat that eating your mushy, tasteless flesh has become a desperate act of survival for us sharks. If I didn't feel like a thermometer ever time I ate a blue or yellow fin tuna I would be eating them everyday and never touch a human again.
Me: And the drop in fatalities reflects that view?
Fred: Well, that and the conservation steps that the shark community are taking to insure a steady food supply.
Me: Conservation steps? What do you mean?
It was agreed by treaty at our last meeting of the Worldwide Shark Organization that if you took only one limb, or one big bite from the meatier portions of a human body, you would be saving the rest of the human body. Our studies have shown that so-called "shark attack survivors" will almost invariably return to the water to show that they have conquered their fear, thus providing a steady source of food for future attacks.
Me: A Worldwide Shark organization? Treaties? Studies? You can't be serious!
Fred: Of course I'm serious! Haven't you heard of the hugh floating body of trash that is as big as your state of Texas? I'm ocean-bound, obviously, but if Texas is as big as that floating muck of plastic, cans, sewage, and detritus dumped by your cruise ships and ocean liners, I know that it's a hugh state. And don't you think we sharks keep up with current events of ocean-wide importance?
Me: Like what?
Oh you human! Now I know you're pulling my fins. Hello? The Gulf of Mexico oil spill? Don't you people recognize the threat this poses to us? Don't you listen to the news?
Me; Sure I do, but that begs the question: How do you follow the news?
Fred: Man, you're dumber than a seahorse. I have row after row of sensors all down the length of my body and you don't realize that we sharks can eavesdrop on your radio communications? Anyway, all of us have been listening to the reports that tend to indicate that balls of oil/tar are washing up on your east coast. Aren't you? Doesn't that tell you that millions and millions of gallons of oil went right past the southern tip of Florida only to get snagged and carried northward by the Atlantic Gulf stream? That's why you have fish dying as their major food source, plankton and the smaller fish that feed on the plankton dying, the larger fish that fed on them starving to death, and it just keeps going right up the food chain, which is why we sharks are coming closer to shore than ever. But even the alpha predators like us realize that there must be a concerted and coordinated movement to keep shark attacks on humans at a manageable limit. Enough to feed, but not enough to scare the food out of the water.
Me: Fred, I really appreciate you taking the time today to clear up these important issues, but even a mere man such as me can see that you are getting hungry, and I don't like the way you're staring at my legs.
Fred: No, no, I thank you. It's about time there was some communication between species. May I tempt you to a swim? The water is s-o-o-o nice this time of year.
Me: Uh… thanks but no thanks, I have to get back to the bigger boat.
I'll gladly escort you back to that larger boat, OK?
posted by The Vidiot @ 7:29 AM Permalink
Good evening my fellow Americans, and the world.
Like you, I am pissed, concerned and worried for our future as a nation and as a species.
But I'm the president, and I can at least try to do something.
First, the United States, as of this moment, owns all of BP and all of it's subsidiaries. Fuck corporate law. Anything having to do with BP, any company that has BP in its name, any subsidiary that has ever been a part of BP is now our bitch. Additionally, any company that had anything to do with the building of that well or inspection of that well, is also, now, our bitch. And that includes Halliburton.
Second, every single one of those motherfuckers at the top of those organizations will be tried, convicted and then executed in a public forum. Think "Roman Colosseum." Get creative. Suggestions for execution methods will be collected at a website we'll set up tomorrow.
Third, the gulf coast will be evacuated and BP's assets will pay for all of it, including the hotel bills and relocation costs. It's not safe, the air is bad, I don't care what the EPA says, they're lying. Get out now.
Fourth, I will be pulling our troops out of the Middle East. We need them here, now, more than ever. As an added benefit, it will cost us less to help with the rebuilding of those countries than it does to maintain an armed force over there. These troops WILL NOT, and I repeat, WILL NOT be used for social control or martial law. They will be used to help with relocation, moving private assets -- meaning you, the people's private assets, not corporations -- out of the Gulf region and to help with the cleanup efforts.
And finally, anybody who wants to turn their house solar, build a wind farm or do anything that decreases our dependence on oil -- except build nuclear facilities -- will have the full support, financial or otherwise, of the United States government, no strings attached.
This shit happened on my watch and I'm going to deal with it. I'm sorry that I was sucked in by the money that the oil companies shoved into my coffers. I shouldn't have let something as petty as money deter me from doing what's right for the people of this great nation.
You elected me because you thought I was the best man for the job and up until now, I have been less than that. From this day forward, I will fight hard for you, not for me, not for my party, not for corporations, but for you. If that means that in the future, I have to abolish the Federal Reserve, reinstate our own currency or zero out everybody's mortgages and student loans, I'll do it. Fuck political ramifications.
posted by The Vidiot @ 9:32 AM Permalink
On a lighter note, my uncle had an idea for the oil.
In my family, and lots of other Italian families, there are women who know how to read water and oil. Mostly, folks would go to these women with a headache or some such malady and ask the woman to tell them if someone had given him the "malooch" meaning an evil eye. Then the woman would say a few prayers and sprinkle some oil in some water and watch how the water interacts with the oil. If the oil blended or blended to a degree, then yes someone has given you the malooch and there are ways to ward that stuff off; prayers could be said, talismans blessed and worn. I know how to do it, my mom knows how to do it and we both learned it from Cousin Barbie who was the queen of it. One time, I told her to read a friend of mine and when she did it, she said "are other people involved because there's a lot of people and a lot of malooch going on." When I told my friend he said that a bunch of them had played with a Ouija board in high school and something weird happened and since then, everyone in the room has either had a bad accident or a traumatic life or committed suicide. So you know, the oil and water thing works.
Anyway, my uncle's idea was to gather up all the Italian malooch readers out there, send them to the gulf and have them read the oil and pray together. That way, the oil will disperse, and everyone in the gulf region will be relieved of their headache.
Without having read the third most popular and emailed articles from the NYT today…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:51 PM Permalink
…titled "Labels Urged for Food That Can Choke" I have to laugh and wonder if there is an article somewhere noting that radiation scarring from treatments received 16-years ago lead to the hardening and virtual destruction of every cartilaginous structure in a person's head and neck that renders every food a choking hazard?
Believe me, it's a bitch to feel a piece of food or pill of medicine going into your lungs that leads to coughing so hard to eject it that a person cracks or fractures ribs.
It's only happened maybe a half-dozen times in the last five years and extremely limits the kind of foods I consume. And I'm sure it has nothing to do with the double pneumonia I had a few months ago.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:42 PM Permalink…the Texas School Board of having to rewrite the Bible. They are far too busy rewriting American History to delete Thomas Jefferson, the primary writer of the Declaration of Independence and one of several writers of our U.S. Constitution, so that they can hide from the little chirrun' the truth of the founding of America.
My story picks up at the beginning of the beginning of Day Seven:
When God awakened on Day Seven He was shocked to find another Apparition, almost Equally Strong as God Himself, sitting Calmly and Partaking of the Lord's Pipe and Smoking His Pot as Casually as if it belonged to him instead of God. Curiously curious as to Who or What this New Apparition was the Lord did not immediately Grow Angry at this Trespass and merely Inquired, "And Who might You Be and What makes You Believe You May freely Partake of My Pot?"
In a comparably Neutral Voice as the Lord's had been when making His Inquiry the Apparition, now taking a More Solid Appearance with Horns on his Forehead, a Forked Tongue, and a Whip-like Tail trailing behind Him, His Complexion becoming Red in Appearance did reply, "Please allow Me to Introduce Myself, I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste…" and Before He Could continue God was Rolling Around in Space Laughing so Very Hard that Tears did Come to Be in His Eyes as He Said, "Aw, C'mon! Who do you think You are Fooling with an Opening Introduction that Pompous?"
Apparently taking no Umbrage at the Lord's Laughter the New Guy did Begin to Laugh with the Lord, saying, "Well, hey, You can't Blame a Guy for Trying!" and then He did Pass the Lit Pipe to the Lord and Continued, "I am the Natural Consequence of Having Cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. I am the Evil One, Counterpart to Thyself, and I am to be Called the Devil."
By now, thoroughly Stoned, God did Pass the Pipe back to the Devil, Still Laughing as he asked, "The Evil One? The Devil? Surely Thou Doth Jest and are merely taking Advantage of My Good Mood and Great High to pull My Leg, in good Humor, of course." The devil did take a Mighty Hit of Pot from the Pipe and told God, "No, Really, I am not Kidding. When you cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden You did Cause the Creation of Me, the Devil, Beelzebub to be More Informal, but I am here to do Mighty Battle with You for the Souls of Man, to Boldly go where No Evil has ever Gone Before, To Seek Out New Life and…"
"And Yada, Yada, Yada," laughed God as the Devil did Pass the Pipe back to Him. "And What is It that makes You believe that I will not just… Smite You?…Smote you?… oh, Hell, why wouldn't I just Blow You Up?"
"Hell. Hell. Yeah, That's the Ticket, I shall call my domain Hell and fill it Up with Such Evil and Naked Women in Bondage that One Day there will be a Political Party that will find Me Impossible to Resist! And, Lo, they Shall be Called Republicans! Yeah! W-h-o-o-o-o-e-e-e! Son of a Gun We'll have Big Fun on the Bayou! Oh, Please Pardon my Ramblings as You did Make unto Me an Inquiry as to why shouldn't You just Blow Me Up and Destroy Me and You Deserve an Answer to your Query. I Regret to inform you that after Exerting so much Effort to Create a World and fill it with Plants, Fishes, Small and Large Land Animals, and Destroying all the Dinosaurs and Distributing the Bones all over the Planet, You now Lack Sufficient Strength to 'Just Blow Me Up.' Go ahead, give it a try."
And God did Gather All the Power He could Summon, the Very Power with which He had Created the Universe and Earth, All the Power of the Trillions of Suns and Black Holes He had Created Just for Mischief, and He did Let Loose a Beam of Power Such as Has Been Seen never Before or Afterwards and Did Squarely Strike the Devil right in the Center of his Being, and Such was the Power of Such A Mighty Blast that It did Knock the Devil on His Ass and Blew Him a Million Millions of Miles into Space.
And It was Good, for Although God was Greatly tired by the Effort He did Pick Up His Pipe and Lo! There was the Devil, Who was Polite enough to Draw the Fire for God to Light His Pipe.
God could See that His Adversary was indeed too Strong for God to Merely Blow Him Up, so as he drew a Hit from his Mighty Pipe he Did Remark, "Thanks for the Lighting of my Pipe. I See now that Thou Did Spaketh the Truth when You Claimed Power So Great as to keep Me from Blowing you Up." And He handed the Pipe back to the Devil, saying, "Perhaps You are Correct and It is Only because I have Expended So Much of My Power in Creating Everything, to Include You, too, I Guess, so I have a Proposal to make unto you: Let Us Agree that this, the Seventh Day, and Every Seventh Day Hereafter We do call a Truce and Spend the Day at Leisure, Smoking my Pipe, Getting High, and, Perhaps, even sharing a Good Laugh occasionally?"
And even the Devil Himself saw that this was a Good Deal, as Although God's Mighty Bolt had not been Powerful enough to Destroy Him, it had sure Hurt Like Hell, so, chuckling at his turn of the Phrase Hurt like Hell, He Said, "That's Cool with me. You got anymore of this Great Pot?"
"Yea and Verily It is So, I have Plenty of Pot, and now that We have Declared The Seventh Day, let's Call It the Sabbath, a day of Truce and Rest, Let Us Kick Back and Enjoy another Pipe."
And So Endeth Day Seven, the Sabbath, and So Ends My Efforts to Rewrite the Bible for the Texas School Board. I know there were many, many other Chapters and stories in the Bible, But as They were Written by Men Such as Me, I consider them Not Worthy of Being Rewritten.
The Continuing Rewrite of the Bible in Order to Spare…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:12 PM Permalink…the Texas School Board, which is frantically rewriting the history of America to exclude Thomas Jefferson from that history, of the need to rewrite the Bible. As an atheist I am at least as highly qualified to rewrite the Bible as those Texas jerk-offs are to try and rewrite American History and thereby school the little chirrun' to be ignorant of the Truth:
As Day Six dawned God awakened in a very despondent and depressed mood again, something that did cause Him Great Concern as this was the second time He had felt this way in only a few days. He did Vow that he would rid Himself of this feeling and reached for His Pipe and drew from the Sun, with His Mighty Finger, Flame with which to Light His Pipe only to discover that His Pipe was empty. And so God looked down upon his latest Garden of Eden and was Pleased to find the Man, Adam, and his Woman, Eve, were still Hard at work attempting to Procreate. This pleased God, for he did Truthfully desire for them to bring forth Progeny. He did watch for awhile, Greatly Impressed, at the Vigor and seemingly Tireless Efforts of Adam and Eve to Procreate, and it was only when they stopped for short time to refresh themselves by Swimming and Splashing with the Fishes that lived in the Lake He had installed in the Garden of Eden that he remembered that His original Reason for coming Down to Earth was to Replenish His Pipe with some Fresh Buds from the Multi-fingered Leafed Plant that, in his Wisdom, which was infinite, He had decided to call Pot, and Lo, though he searched everywhere in the Garden, from the Highest Mountain to the Shores of the very Lake in which Adam and Eve were again busy Procreating, He could find none of His Highly Regarded Pot. This Vexed Him Greatly, so He used the Power of his Position as God to plant the Biggest, Tallest, and Most Plentiful with Buds the Greatest Pot Plant to Ever Exist, even though He did have to Remove Many Fruited Trees and Plants, including the Apple Tree (as He had named it), and then did He Appear as an Apparition on the Shore of the Lake where Adam and Eve were again resting between attempts to Procreate, and He did Spaketh unto them in a Mighty Voice, "Adam! Eve! Turn thy attention to Me, All Powerful God, Your Creator, and Creator of all that you Do See and Much, Much More that You Have Not Seen and Take Heed of my Words. First, did You two smoke all the Buds from the Multi-finger Leafed Plan that I have Named Pot?"
"Why, yes O Lord, as we did find it to be a powerful Aphrodisiac that helped us with our efforts to Procreate, which is, O Lord the reason we guessed as the reason you did give us Life and this beautiful and Bountiful Garden. You got a problem with that?"
"YES!" Did the Lord God bellow in a Voice so Mighty and Powerful that it did Knock Adam and Eve Backwards and off their feet and Did Flatten many of the Plants and Caused Many of the Fish in the Lake float to the surface of the Lake, knocked Unconscious. The Ferocity of His reply Did Make Adam and Eve tremble in Fear and plead to God.
"O Lord, we did not know that this plant was so Precious unto you, and we did partake of every plant we could find until we could find no more. What need we do now, O Lord, to make Reparations unto you for our Transgression?"
And God responded, "I have Made a New Pot plant in the Grove in which the Apples do grow and you are Forbidden to partake of any Part of that Pot Plant lest You be cast from the Garden of Eden where Life will be Most Difficult to Maintain; where You shall become Ashamed of Your Nakedness; Where Sin shall come upon You in many manners most Foul and as yet Unknown unto You; and where You will no longer find Life to be so easy, Where you will have to Domesticate Animals to help You, and where You shall live a Very Hard Life!"
"O Lord, we do hear you and shall obey, but we must know if there is any other Plant, Animal, or anything of any kind which will incur your wrath should we use it? We must know this O Lord so we do not Piss you Off again."
"No," His Mighty Voice bellowed loudly, "There is Nothing Else about which I Feel So Strongly, so I Shall Not address You Again. Should you break this Covenant you shall be Summarily cast from the Garden of Eden without further Notice. Take Heed!" He did admonish them.
And so, in a manner of speaking, did Life in the Garden resume. Adam and Eve continued their efforts to procreate and did enjoy Partaking freely of the many delicious Fruits and Vegetables and Fish and other small Creatures they would capture and cook over the flames Residual from the Lightening Bolts that occasionally came with a Mighty Rainfall, Keeping the Flames going with dried branches of the many different Trees. It was only a Matter of Time that they found themselves in the Grove of Apples and discovered how very Delicious and Nutritious was the fruit of the Apple Trees. As they did eat their way towards the Center of the Grove of Apples Eve did spy the Mighty, Beautiful, and Bountifully endowed with Buds, the last remaining Pot plant which She knew was Forbidden to Her and Adam. Adam had lately developed a taste for what he called Applesauce and Eve thought that if she was very careful to leave no sign of Her Transgression, she could pick just a few Buds, mix them in with Adam's Applesauce, and no one would be the wiser.
But screw up did Eve, as in her Greed instead of taking a few small Buds from the lower Branches of the Pot Plant, she had spied a particularly Hugh Bud growing at the very top of the Plant, which had grown so stout and sturdy that it was all too easy for her to climb up among the branches of the Pot Plant and cut off this topmost Hugh Bud. She very quickly made her way back to the campsite where, sure enough, Adam has set most apples boiling to make his favorite dish, applesauce. She sent Adam to fetch fresh water from the stream and in his absence she shredded the Hugh Bud and added it to the Applesauce. It did not take long after consuming the applesauce for Adam to become Aroused and in the mood for procreating. And so they Did It and Did It and Did it until their joyous screams of joy did reach God Himself, Who had, in fact, been taking a long Nap.
Pleased with Adam and Eve's efforts he decided to Smoke a Pipeful of Buds and continue watching for a while. But when he reached down to pluck The Hugh Buds He had been Cultivating for a long time, He could not help but notice that the Topmost Bud, His Prize Bud, the Bud which he coveted over all other Buds, and the Bud He had most wanted to smoke WAS GONE! As His Rage did elevate itself into the Wrath of God He searched High and Low for his Most Prized Bud and, after finding no sign whatever of the Bud having been Smoked it occurred to Him to taste of Adam's Applesauce and It was There that he found the Remnants of his Most Prized Bud.
In a Full Blown Rage He turned the Skies Black and did Raise a Mighty Wind to drive the Rain He let loose as in a Flood, causing it to fall with such Force that Many Plants, and Small Creatures He had made were crushed beneath It. And True to his words God created a Whirlwind He decided to call a Tornado, and with the force of the Mighty Tornado He did Cause the Vacuum in the center to suck up Adam and Eve and Take Them from the Garden of Eden and drop them into the wilds of the Continent He had named Africa, where, ashamed of their nakedness they sought to cover themselves and and they did scream out and beg for the Mercy of God, who had Plucked some of the other Buds from his prized Pot Plant, loaded His Pipe and alit It with Fire He drew from the Sun with his Mighty Finger.
He got Very Stoned, and without a thought of Adam and Eve, he Got High, said,"This is some Great Sh*t!" and Smoked and got Higher and Higher until just before he fell asleep His Last Thought was that all was Well and then He did Crash for the rest of the Day.
…the Texas School Board which wishes to rewrite history to suit themselves rather than corrupting the innocent little chirrun' with the truth.
This installment picks up where God has had his second attempt to make a Man and His first attempt to create Woman, all eaten by Dinosaurs:
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be gotten rid of so as to not eat every Man He created. So with just a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for the rest of the Day, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all those dinosaur bones."
In a flash of inspiration He did bury the bones all over the Earth at various depths and chuckled to Himself that the next Man or Men He placed on Earth would be sorely pressed to figure out what these bones had belonged to and would give Man endless hours of entertainment digging, finding bones, putting them together like a puzzle, and trying to figure out what they were, when they had lived, how they lived, how they died, and what purpose for which they were on Earth. The more he thought about it the more amused did God become.
And so Ended the Fourth Day and the Dawn brought upon the Earth the beginning of the Fifth Day. God was very Despondent and Depressed. All His best efforts to Create Man and Woman has thus far been met with Disaster. But, determined to not give up, for after all he was God, so He did indeed restore all the small Creatures of the fields and the Fishes in the Oceans and saw that It was good, and so He did partake more of the interesting multi-fingered Plant with the Buds packed into his Pipe and again used only one of His Mighty Hands to draw fire from the Sun to light the Pipe. After much Smoking, as He had decided to call the Inhalation of the Smoke from the Pipe, His good mood was restored, He realized that five days had gone by and He had originally wanted to complete Earth in Seven days, and so he Created a New, Bigger, and Better Garden of Eden, molded a New Man out of Clay, and then he did Breathe Life unto the Man just as He was exhaling the Smoke from the Buds, and He did Laugh and Laugh and Laugh as He watched the Man catching a Buzz, so when he did again take a Rib from His New, Improved Man, much better Hung than the last two who had been very poorly Hung with the apparatus Man would use to reproduce, He was sure to make her as Voluptuous as possible, Endowing Her with Magnificent Mammary Glands, as He decided to call them with the Intent that She use them to feed the Children He expected the two of them to produce, and then did Breathe Life into Her, again with the Smoke from the Buds He now so liked to Smoke. Almost immediately the Man and the Woman did start the process of Reproduction while Laughing and Laughing as they became more Aroused. God saw that this was Good, and He did Smoke another Pipe of Buds before He rested and slept the rest of Day Five.
1.(sometimes capital letters 'V' and 'S' with no space) a style of writing or saying something using emotion and/or logic and snark, esp. in order to elucidate the obvious while pretending to be objective.
2. anything written by The Vidiot, The Sailor, Mr. Vidiot and anyone else they allow to post on the blog “vidiotspeak”
[Origin: loosely based on new + speak, coined by George Orwell in his novel, 1984 (1949)]
And for godsakes, stay away from FOX, MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, and NBC.
It's ALL CRAP!!!
Watch the BBC news or ITN news instead.
"POSSE COMITATUS ACT" (18 USC 1385)
A Reconstruction Era criminal law proscribing use of Army (later, Air Force) to "execute the laws" except where expressly authorized by Constitution or Congress. Limit on use of military for civilian law enforcement also applies to Navy by regulation. Dec '81 additional laws were enacted (codified 10 USC 371-78) clarifying permissible military assistance to civilian law enforcement agencies--including the Coast Guard--especially in combating drug smuggling into the United States. Posse Comitatus clarifications emphasize supportive and technical assistance (e.g., use of facilities, vessels, aircraft, intelligence, tech aid, surveillance, etc.) while generally prohibiting direct participation of DoD personnel in law enforcement (e.g., search, seizure, and arrests). For example, Coast Guard Law Enforcement Detachments (LEDETS) serve aboard Navy vessels and perform the actual boardings of interdicted suspect drug smuggling vessels and, if needed, arrest their crews). Positive results have been realized especially from Navy ship/aircraft involvement.
