Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Wall Street Journal Finally Able to Join Supermarket Tabloids After Deal Struck

posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:30 PM Permalink

I really can't speak for anyone else but I, for one, am delirious with joy that the WSJ will finally get the exposure it deserves: being displayed prominently on your favorite rack at supermarket check-out lanes all over America with the rest of the lesser tabloids. It no doubt will be displayed prominently front and center on the top rack with a small, but tasteful, banner announcing it will be the premiere paper for news of foreign and alien invasions from space, horrifically deformed babies, missing white women and the men who love them, as well as continuing its reports of the Dow Jones Index.

It was nip-and-tuck all the way as the Bancroft family dickered around with the selling price, completely ignoring pleas from the WSJ staff that they represented an honest, non-biased, purely beneficiary business publication that also doubles as a bush propaganda outlet. The WSJ staff asserted that under Rupert Murdoch the paper would lose credibility.

After the Board of Directors and the Bancroft family heard the WSJ employee's concerns everyone just laughed and laughed and laughed and, in fact, collapsed into gales of laughter at the assertion that the WSJ wasn't already a tabloid-class newspaper and had any integrity to lose.

It was only after Murdoch increased his offer by a dollar twenty-two ninety five ($1.2295) and promised to carry on in the finest tradition of tabloid-hood that the Board and the Bancroft family ok'd the deal.

After the sale was concluded, Murdoch's press release reported only a small number of resignations and suicides. Asked about the suicides a spokesman claimed that "those losers" had no place in a tabloid-controlled world anyway, and that it was a good thing to have reduced the numbers of people to be summarily executed for failing to perform adequately as sycophants.

"We are also considering a wallet-sized publication to be printed daily devoted strictly to whatever the bush maladministration needs us to devote it to," said Murdoch. "Every stenographer at the WSJ has been trained to call the White House daily to get their stories from bush/cheney and every single member of this maladministration, all of whom will corruptly declassify "top secret" material randomly to give the paper the propaganda scoops that the public has come to expect from the WSJ."

"I will ensure that every stenographer and so-called…what are they called?…oh, yeah, 'reporter' receives the vital and necessary training to enforce News Corp's policy that no employee on staff may ever lie unless they are alone or with somebody, under the influence of drugs, or when testifying to Congress," Murdoch stated.

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