Monday, March 22, 2010

To show the Texas School Board…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 11:57 PM Permalink

…that if you are going to rewrite history you should start with the Bible, this is my third installment towards that effort:

Upon awaking on the Fourth Day God couldn't find the Man anywhere, but He did see footprints like those of a Man followed by dozens of other footprints in the sand going in the same direction. He followed he tracks and found a corpse. The dinosaurs he had created before Man had pursued, caught, killed, and eaten the Man. All that was left of the Man was being picked clean by carrion eating birds until a Tyrannosaurus Rex burst into the clearing, picked up the bloody corpse of Man and swallowed it whole, and several vultures along with it. This did Piss Him off mightily, but with infinite patience He did start again.

He created another Man, calling him Dick, which for some reason amused Him, and placed him in as beautiful a Garden of Eden, but far from the First Garden for safety's sake. To insure that this new Man would have Someone to Help the Man, He did remove a single Rib from the Man he called Dick and created Woman. He decided to call her Lynn and he did then introduce them and told them to Populate the world by having Babies.

And He was mightily pleased with Himself and the New Man Dick and his Woman Lynn. Then he went traveling about the world, viewing it close up, from billions of light years distance, from every angle and, mightily pleased with His work He returned to the new Garden of Eden to check up on Man and his Woman. This time it was even worse. a gang of velociraptors had hunted the Man down, torn him limb-from-limb and had almost finished eating the Man. Again the mighty T-Rex came bellowing into the area and the other dinosaurs split, again allowing the T-Rex to consume the last of the corpse. The T-Rex then spotted the woman and started in pursuit, which the dinosaur easily won, killing and swallowing the Woman Lynn with a single bite.

That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be destroyed so as to not eat every Man He created. So with a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for centuries, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all these dinosaur bones."

To be continued…

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At 5:36 PM, Blogger The Sailor said...

I like the Bible According to Bill!


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