Sunday, March 21, 2010

If the Texan School Board can rewrite schoolbooks with the intent…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:10 PM Permalink

…of changing history by cutting out Thomas Jefferson (How will they explain the hugh Jefferson Monument to all the little chirrun'?) Then I, as an atheist am free to rewrite the Bible. This is the second installment that began March 12, 2010. We pick up the story from the end of Day Two:

On the Third Day He did create animals; reptiles, lions, tigers, and monkeys and many, many, of all manner of creatures, He did create for the land, including dinosaurs large and small, and for His beautiful oceans He Created all manner of crustaceans, fish, sharks (the Great White Shark, in particular, greatly pleased Him for come reason), and to insure a sufficient supply of what He termed Food, He did also create millions of different Flora and Fauna with just a wave of His Mighty Hand, and to prevent Sloth from entering His Favorite Planet He did make it so that the Flora and Fauna flourished under the Great Light He decided to call a Sun, combined with the Great Fall Of Water He called Rain, and other nutrients from, as He named it, the Soil.

Seeing how cool were all the Things and Creatures He had constructed, He did take some clay into His Hands, and molded it into his very own image, as He saw reflected in the still waters of a Pond and confirmed by another look at the Mirror of the Cabinet wherein He kept his aspirin, He then gave this Creature the name Man because Man sounded so cool to Him, was easy to remember, and made him laugh unto Himself at all the variations the name opened up, such as, "Hey, Man," and, "What's up, Man," or, "Cool, Man."

So, satisfied with the Great Deal He had undertaken and how He had succeeded far beyond His Expectations, His Greatest Act of the Day He was to breath the Breath of Life into Man, coincidently inventing what came to later be called "Shot-gunning," or the facilitating of the exchange of the Smoke of Plants He had created that very day, and, in fact, one Plant He found particularly intriguing with its multiple finger-like leaves with white Buds as He had decided to call them; He did pick, made them Dry, and placed them into a new object He called a Pipe, lit the Buds with Fire drawn from the Sun with His Mighty Finger and breathed in the what he called Smoke. And liked the effects of Getting High and He found that It was good. It enhanced the beautiful colors of the World He had created so He continued Smoking Buds until Sleep fell upon Him. His last thought being that this was Good and would bear Repeating.

Then, before Crashing, He remembered that He had decided to end the day by placing the new Creature he called Man, deciding to name him George, into one of the most beautiful, fruitful places, crawling with other creatures and just so Great that He named it The Garden of Eden for no reason other than it sounded cool, "Hey, Man, where are you going?" and Man would respond, "To the bountiful Garden of Eden You gave me, Lord." Then, still chuckling to himself He did sleep and all was Good.

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