W-e-l-l, They ran through the grass and they ran through the brambles…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 10:47 AM Permalink
DATELINE: Somewhere on the southern edge of the Gulf of Mexico, now completely covered as would be a brand new parking lot
…They ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go, they ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em, all the way back through the Gulf of Mexico, one, two, three, four…hup…one, two, three, four…(courtesy of Johnny Horton and the
Battle of New Orleans)
The Vidiot fired her weapons 'til her barrels melted down, so she grabbed an alligator and she fought another round, she filled its head with cannonballs and powdered its behind, and when she set that powder off the 'gator lost its m-i-n-d…and then, fortunately she remembered this was a peaceful meeting among trade delegations, unloaded all the alligators, and returned to watching the first ever Olympic Games between representatives of the Gulf States of America, Mexico, and Cuba, which was nice enough to have brought an entire contingency of highly trained doctors and nurses (it is believed that Cuba educates more doctors per capita than any other nation on earth, sending them outward throughout the world to provide health care, but there is still some question as to whether Cuba or the Philippines educates the most nurses).
It really didn't make much difference at this point though as although relations remained thoroughly amicable, all the parties mutually agreed that further negotiation was useless until the issue of what would be done with the state of texas (which in order to start deflating their wildly overblown image of superiority will forevermore no longer be capitalized as a proper noun as there is nothing proper or noun-y about the ever more asinine and irrelevant people or state of texas).
It seems that neither Mexico nor Cuba was willing to enter any treaty with the most bigoted state, texas, known to exist to man, woman, and innocent children either now or hitherto. The Vidiot did her very best to give texas back to Mexico, but for the Mexicans that was a deal breaker. Far too many jobs were being lost in Mexico to people fleeing texas seeking a better life, good jobs, and first class benefits to include vacation and retirement.
The Mexican representative explained that these texacanos made no effort to assimilate themselves within the Mexican lifestyle, refusing to learn to speak Mexican or demonstrate skills necessary to contribute meaningfully to the Mexican economy. It seems that the Mexican envoy was well-schooled and perfectly well aware that only three words –
yep, nope, and s-h-i-t – were taught in texas schools and were the only words necessary to travel from one side of the state to the other without difficulty.
Any elucidation or expounding of any other words or concepts was considered an act of war in texas and the Mexicans and Cubans, both being vastly better educated, having received a classical education as in the days of old, were reticent about allowing the seriously mentally defective, hostile, bigoted, racist, misogynistic citizens of texas the privilege of migrating to Cuba or Mexico.
Cuban President/Dictator Raul Castro totally cracked up the delegations during one of the lighter moments when he queried,"Does any one here know how you can bury a texan in one of our finest cigar boxes? First you kick the shit out of them!" Drawing gales of laughter from the combined delegations.
As no further agreement would be forthcoming until the texas matter could be resolved the delegations cracked open a few dozen more bottles of Mexico's finest tequila, opened the second, still full, tin of rolled hybrid grass and a good time was had by all as the delegations bid all a friendly farewell and vowed to meet again in the near or distant future, or both.
But the importance of the Vidiot's first ever DRIVE across the now almost completely congealed and hardened Gulf of Mexico will insure that she lives on in history for all time and will forever dispense with any allegations that women are not good drivers. (I may be getting carried away with enthusiasm or strong drink or drugs here.)
I have to admit that it brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it or get a stray hair or eyelash in my eye.
CONGRATULATIONS VIDIOT AND DR VIDIOT! And I'm sure VidiotMom is every bit as proud of you as the rest of the staff and I are of you both. Motor on, sister!
Ciao, bella ámi.
_____________________
Note to DanD: I finally finished "Job," and found it to be wonderful. Thank you again, sirrah, it was most entertaining, as I always find Heinlein to be, and I sincerely hope I can maintain cognizance of it after the next rotation of the ever turning shish kabob-like rods holding the blocks with the pictures, sounds, memories, bits, pieces, flotsam, and jetsam of my mind. Although I generally find being insane to not only not be too bad, sometimes even enjoyable, other times I sink so deeply into pain/depression leading to depression/pain in a never ending vicious circle spiraling down seemingly without end. I will remember your gift fondly always and no doubt read it over and over as I do with all the books I really enjoy. I am sorry it took this long for me to pass this on to you as I have slipped in and out of my mind. Thank You.
Labels: big oil, diplomacy, ecological disaster, god particle, gulf of mexico oil spill, history, humor, I'm only just one man., louisiana, mickey rourke, modern day explorers, Texas School Board
THE FIELDS OF FISH AND OTHER STRANGE ANOMALIES THAT PLAQUE THE VIDIOT'S TRADE DELEGATION…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:01 PM Permalink
DATELINE: Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico:
…caused a temporary inability over the weekend to
update the Vidiot's travel across the Gulf of Mexico, leading a trade delegation from the Gulf States of America to seek negotiation of new treaties with Mexico's President Felipe Calderon and Cuba's Raul Castro.
This inability to transmit an update was not caused by equipment failure, no, it was caused by the temporary insanity of the entire delegation. It is suspected that it was a combination of noxious fumes and the strange anomalies that have either come to exist, or not, in the Gulf itself.
It was while breathing these fumes, that seemingly have psychoactive properties, that the Vidiot's party (just a small one: a keg and cold sandwiches as no one was sure if it was safe to light up the barbecue) suddenly realized that the camp they had made the night before was parked in what can only be called "a field of fish," where, oddly enough, it seems that hundred of thousands of small fish had made it to the surface of the now almost fully congealed oil and that in an attempt to reenter what used to be water they became trapped with their heads stuck in the tar, leaving only their tails waving in the wind.
It truly was a sight to drive men mad, so while all the men were mad it was left to the Vidiot, with her indomitable spirit, to pack up the camp by herself, tie the vehicles together end-to-end, and literally pull the men back to sanity while she towed them all out of these strange fields single-handedly.
"Hell, I coulda stayed home and done this kinda stuff!" over and over she muttered
sotte voce, with an occasional, "While the men have all the fun a woman's work is never done!" just for good measure.
As the last of this long impromptu train of vehicles exited the fields of fish the Vidiot found another anomaly completely strange, odd, unknown, hitherto unseen by man or woman, living or dead or under the influence of strong drink and/or drugs.
She suddenly found herself dragging the party (not everyone was in drag) onto the most flat, level, uninterrupted as far as the eye could see area of lush green grasses, later found to be a hybrid of seaweed and Bermuda grass, leaving the Vidiot to wonder if Bermuda was now trying to inject themselves forcefully into her negotiations with Mexico and Cuba.
While she briefly considered declaring war against Bermuda for this transgression a hugh flock of birds, coming from the east, flew over excreting "poop" (a highly scientific term not usually used with laymen as they are usually so impassioned about trying to get laid that they don't listen anyway) full of grass seeds. Even given this new discovery, however, it remains unknown by what manner the seeds of grass managed to pollinate the seaweed to create this new hybrid grass.
The Vidiot's party (still going on despite her travails) spent the rest of the day relaxing on this comfortable surface, especially when Dr Vidiot discovered that seeds of marijuana had also worked their way into the new hybrid gene pool.
Fortunately several herein unidentified men had rolling papers on hand and were thus able to provide immediate confirmation of this new finding by Dr Vidiot. This did cause some consternation as several members of the party (which had really picked up the pace now) wandered off and found that the grass was just tall enough to conceal themselves from view if they laid or fell down stoned, once again leaving it to the Vidiot to, by herself, unload the trucks, pitch the tents (or bitch about tents, her meaning was not immediately clear as she was speaking parenthetically, a language thought to be long dead), fix the munchies, and generally prepare the camp for the night.
After the camp was pitched (or bitched, it's still unclear) the Vidiot grabbed herself a large beach umbrella, a broad-brimmed hat, sunscreen, a bottle of tequila she had brought for President Calderon, but now realized that he probably had enough of his own, and left the party (now starting to flag) to it's own amusements while she relaxed on her beach lawn chair, under her beach umbrella, applying her beach sunscreen, muttering about some son of a beach, and taking the rest of the day off. To insure she remained undisturbed she carried her new ten gauge shotgun (which itself was disturbing) and posted a signed saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" which is exactly what the rest of the party did for the remainder of the day and into the night.
Further updates will be forthcoming (not that I've concealed anything or been less than honest; I never lie unless I am alone or with somebody) tomorrow.
Labels: anarchy, aviation safety, big oil, cooking, distractions, humor, I'm only just one man., Karl Marx, Michelle Obama, mickey rourke, oilcano, satire, Texas School Board
The Never Ending Story of the Bible as Rewritten for…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 8:21 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board which wishes to rewrite history to suit themselves rather than corrupting the innocent little chirrun' with the truth.
This installment picks up where God has had his second attempt to make a Man and His first attempt to create Woman, all eaten by Dinosaurs:
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be gotten rid of so as to not eat every Man He created. So with just a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for the rest of the Day, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all those dinosaur bones."
In a flash of inspiration He did bury the bones all over the Earth at various depths and chuckled to Himself that the next Man or Men He placed on Earth would be sorely pressed to figure out what these bones had belonged to and would give Man endless hours of entertainment digging, finding bones, putting them together like a puzzle, and trying to figure out what they were, when they had lived, how they lived, how they died, and what purpose for which they were on Earth. The more he thought about it the more amused did God become.
And so Ended the Fourth Day and the Dawn brought upon the Earth the beginning of the Fifth Day. God was very Despondent and Depressed. All His best efforts to Create Man and Woman has thus far been met with Disaster. But, determined to not give up, for after all he was God, so He did indeed restore all the small Creatures of the fields and the Fishes in the Oceans and saw that It was good, and so He did partake more of the interesting multi-fingered Plant with the Buds packed into his Pipe and again used only one of His Mighty Hands to draw fire from the Sun to light the Pipe. After much Smoking, as He had decided to call the Inhalation of the Smoke from the Pipe, His good mood was restored, He realized that five days had gone by and He had originally wanted to complete Earth in Seven days, and so he Created a New, Bigger, and Better Garden of Eden, molded a New Man out of Clay, and then he did Breathe Life unto the Man just as He was exhaling the Smoke from the Buds, and He did Laugh and Laugh and Laugh as He watched the Man catching a Buzz, so when he did again take a Rib from His New, Improved Man, much better Hung than the last two who had been very poorly Hung with the apparatus Man would use to reproduce, He was sure to make her as Voluptuous as possible, Endowing Her with Magnificent Mammary Glands, as He decided to call them with the Intent that She use them to feed the Children He expected the two of them to produce, and then did Breathe Life into Her, again with the Smoke from the Buds He now so liked to Smoke. Almost immediately the Man and the Woman did start the process of Reproduction while Laughing and Laughing as they became more Aroused. God saw that this was Good, and He did Smoke another Pipe of Buds before He rested and slept the rest of Day Five.
Labels: Bible rewrite, dinosaurs, disclosure, discourse, satire, snark, Texas School Board
To show the Texas School Board…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 11:57 PM Permalink
…that if you are going to rewrite history you should start with the Bible, this is my third installment towards that effort:
Upon awaking on the Fourth Day God couldn't find the Man anywhere, but He did see footprints like those of a Man followed by dozens of other footprints in the sand going in the same direction. He followed he tracks and found a corpse. The dinosaurs he had created before Man had pursued, caught, killed, and eaten the Man. All that was left of the Man was being picked clean by carrion eating birds until a Tyrannosaurus Rex burst into the clearing, picked up the bloody corpse of Man and swallowed it whole, and several vultures along with it. This did Piss Him off mightily, but with infinite patience He did start again.
He created another Man, calling him Dick, which for some reason amused Him, and placed him in as beautiful a Garden of Eden, but far from the First Garden for safety's sake. To insure that this new Man would have Someone to Help the Man, He did remove a single Rib from the Man he called Dick and created Woman. He decided to call her Lynn and he did then introduce them and told them to Populate the world by having Babies.
And He was mightily pleased with Himself and the New Man Dick and his Woman Lynn. Then he went traveling about the world, viewing it close up, from billions of light years distance, from every angle and, mightily pleased with His work He returned to the new Garden of Eden to check up on Man and his Woman. This time it was even worse. a gang of velociraptors had hunted the Man down, torn him limb-from-limb and had almost finished eating the Man. Again the mighty T-Rex came bellowing into the area and the other dinosaurs split, again allowing the T-Rex to consume the last of the corpse. The T-Rex then spotted the woman and started in pursuit, which the dinosaur easily won, killing and swallowing the Woman Lynn with a single bite.
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be destroyed so as to not eat every Man He created. So with a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for centuries, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all these dinosaur bones."
To be continued…
Labels: Bible rewrite, casualties, humor, satire, snark., Texas School Board
I've been house hunting, may have found one, I have placed my bid, so I now have time to help Texas rewrite history…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 5:34 PM Permalink
…But I think it's a serious mistake for them not to start with the Original Books upon which they base life itself, the Bible, incorporating, of course the argument that Man and dinosaurs coexisted together. This rewrite has grown much longer than I supposed it would and is much longer, so I will break it up into installments, starting with this one.
On the First Day the Lord, still hungover from his invention of what later became known as 'sacramental wine' said, "Let there be light!" And light came unto the Great Void, the Lord, reeling and repulsed, badly hungover, said, "Turn off the Light!" When He awoke he still had an aching head, so he Created Aspirin, took several pills of it and his head stopped hurting, so He said unto Himself, "That was cool, so I will allow it to stay around just in case I have another headache." But looking around He saw nothing to keep the aspirin in so He created what He decided to call a 'medicine cabinet' placed a bottle, His newest Idea, of Aspirin onto a Shelf, and just for His amusement He did make a Mirrored Door that He closed and lo! gazing at His reflection in the Mirror said, "I did not know I was such a Handsome God!" So vowing to create Creatures to Worship His image, Hangover fading fast, He did again kick back and return to sleep and so It Was. The First Day the Lord spent sleeping off the rest of His hangover.
On the Second Day He again called for Light, and the Lord didn't like the emptiness, the Great Void, surrounding him, the only object within view a Ball so dense and heavy not even the Omnipotent one himself could pick it up, move it in anyway, or do anything fun with it, so the Lord did cast a mighty bolt of Energy that caused the Ball to explode with such great force that it knocked the the Lord on his ass and thereafter all He did was watch galaxies being created, some loose, some spinning, some not, red hot orbs He called Suns, and whirling discs of debris that slowly joined together to become Planets, another fine word he invented. He mumbled to himself, " Wow! Did I do that?" One nearby planet in particular caught his attention so He did cause Water, a brand new Idea, to fall and fall until Earth shone as a blue jewel in comparison to the other trillions of suns and planets in the broad open Lesser Voids in space. These Lesser Voids quickly started to bore Him so he decided to do something that would amuse Himself, maybe something capable of bringing a mighty Laugh unto the Lord.
So, He created the oceans, seven (His lucky number) seas, and a single hugh piece of dry land. The dry land disturbed the Lord as the aesthetics didn't look quite right, so he broke the Land up into Great Segments, spacing them until they appealed to his Eye and thusly created the Continents, which pleased Him greatly except for the bareness everywhere. Then He did return to sleeping for the rest of the day to ready Himself for the fun He was to have when He awoke to finally rid Himself of what He had decided to call a Hangover that tended to interfere with having Fun. Another new concept conceived at the very moment He did choose to conceive it, and it was good. He decided to Crash as tomorrow would be a Fun though busy day.
[Installment Two, Day Three, coming soon. How did those silly bastards on Texas School Board thing they could revise schoolbooks without revising the Bible first? Typical government thinking. Bill]
Labels: Conservatives, conspiracy, constitution, Texas School Board
