Saturday, September 04, 2010

All Hail the Sailor and to the Sailor let us all Hail…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:09 PM Permalink

…for is it not easier to immolate a single Sailor than to curse the Darkness until a Sailor to immolate may be found? Is it untrue that a Sailor is better able to sail the ship than the boat anchor? I think it is and shall remain so, beautiful person, and that, truth be known, it has been so since the beginning of time and even before the advent of time itself.

Is it not the Sailor who discovered that a sextant has absolutely nothing to do with tantric sex upon the wild, tempestuous seas? Is it not the Sailor who invented projectile regurgitation long before it came into vogue and before the practice fell into disrepute?

Was it not a Sailor, sinking his boat from a sail hanging overboard, who discovered the principle of osmosis? And that the very name for the phenomenon comes from Captain Orville Osmosis, the first Sailor to prove that water can indeed move uphill as well a downhill, despite the uproar of the then scientific community which fervently denied the existence of this phenomena?

'Twas a Sailor as well that discovered that the killing of and the hanging of an albatross around thine neck led directly to naught but tears and hard luck.

And from the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner is it not clear that 'twas a Sailor who noted:
"Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink.
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any a drop to drink…"
Proving positively that the boards from which the ship was built could still shrink and that people could still die of thirst while surrounded by seas and oceans?

So yea! Verily! It is with great pride that I note the return of the wisdom, charm, knowledge, and talent of Sailor, celebrate his return, and anxiously await the pearls of knowledge, invaluable in today's misguided society, content with the certain knowledge that he will actively amaze, amuse, and provoke thought on those inner, hidden shelfs of the mind where the forgotten questions of your youth reside and which only the Sailor's provocative, piercing, poignant, prevarication-less, and perfect prose may purposely provide you with edification, the inner peace that comes from finally understanding why that priest propounded that only you possessed the Horn of Gabriel and that only by allowing him to blow your special horn would Jesus know that you are truly ready to accept him in your life and posterior orifice.

So all Hail the Sailor and to the Sailor all Hail! Welcome back, sirrah, you have been sorely missed (and no, I'm not talking about that last time!).

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At 7:45 PM, Blogger The Sailor said...

Mister Bill, (Ohh Noooo), you crack me up!

BTW, it was sailors who also discovered that the Earth is not flat.

Thanks for this post my friend.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Bill Arnett said...

Yes, yes, it is true that the Sailor is responsible for the advent of almost every machine, device, or sex act in history - although I thought we had agree not to discuss sodomy. It was only that once and I really needed the ride. No, no! I'm just kidding. I didn't need the ride.


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