Tuesday, November 25, 2008

"Say, buddy, can ya spare me an extra billion dollars or so?…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 7:16 AM Permalink

…was the question I asked a rather impatient young snot (sorry, I didn't mean to accidently impugn anyone's character, that was deliberate.) on the other end of the phone at the Treasury as I was trying my damnedest to get me some of those federal bailout dollars, seein' as how I'm as close to being underwater as all them there billionaires they're givin' our tax dollars to.

"Well," he asked, "how many and of what nature were the securities you purchased through the bank you own to back the bad loans you made?"

"First of all," I said,"I don't own a bank and I haven't made any bad loans to anyone since I lent that forty dollars to my cousin so he could buy a pot-belly pig. Not a pig with pot in his belly, as we soon found out afterwards to the great discomfort of the pig."

Mr. Snooty then said, "We're not running a charitable organization here, so unless you've squandered several billion dollars on known bad investments I'm afraid I just can't help you."

"Well, except for those fellas running the au-to-mo-bile factories y'all seem exactly like a charity, ceptin' the onliest ones you be givin' that charity to are big-time banker fellas like Mr. Monopoly, who owns all those railroads and thangs," said I.

"Mr. Who?" asked Mr. Snooty, seemingly genuinely confused.

"You know," I told him,"the guy with the fancy tailcoat, round-rimmed glasses, big-@assed mustache, owns all the banks and thangs?"

"Did you aid him in making billions of dollars of loans for bad real estate and those railroads you referred to?"

"Well," I said, "I've gone broke many a time landing on Park Place with four hotels on it, other than that I seem to have done alright. I pay my bills, feed my family, ain't much but I've got some small savings, and I live frugally. But I did lose all the money in the bank to my sisters and my other cousin who were all playin', too, even though I think they was cheatin' like they was playin' with play money."

"So let me get this straight, you ARE a banker who has squandered all his money making bad real estate deals and otherwise mismanaging your bank?"

"I guess you could say that, if ya wanna put it that way."

His demeanor changed right quick, "Well, why didn't you say so immediately? Listen, give me your address and I'll send you a temporary bailout check for $300,000,000 followed up by some REAL money next week. May I have your address? And one last question, sir, you ARE applying for this bailout even though you're not broke, correct?"

I assured him that was the case, since I had a coupla railroads left after the last game (I think it was the Reading and the R&R lines), so I gave him my address and will be steadily waitin' for my check. With a worm on my tongue. (bated breath-h/t Robin Williams)

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