What I wish Obama's speech was yesterday

posted by The Vidiot @ 7:29 AM Permalink

Good evening my fellow Americans, and the world.

Like you, I am pissed, concerned and worried for our future as a nation and as a species.

But I'm the president, and I can at least try to do something.

First, the United States, as of this moment, owns all of BP and all of it's subsidiaries. Fuck corporate law. Anything having to do with BP, any company that has BP in its name, any subsidiary that has ever been a part of BP is now our bitch. Additionally, any company that had anything to do with the building of that well or inspection of that well, is also, now, our bitch. And that includes Halliburton.

Second, every single one of those motherfuckers at the top of those organizations will be tried, convicted and then executed in a public forum. Think "Roman Colosseum." Get creative. Suggestions for execution methods will be collected at a website we'll set up tomorrow.

Third, the gulf coast will be evacuated and BP's assets will pay for all of it, including the hotel bills and relocation costs. It's not safe, the air is bad, I don't care what the EPA says, they're lying. Get out now.

Fourth, I will be pulling our troops out of the Middle East. We need them here, now, more than ever. As an added benefit, it will cost us less to help with the rebuilding of those countries than it does to maintain an armed force over there. These troops WILL NOT, and I repeat, WILL NOT be used for social control or martial law. They will be used to help with relocation, moving private assets -- meaning you, the people's private assets, not corporations -- out of the Gulf region and to help with the cleanup efforts.

And finally, anybody who wants to turn their house solar, build a wind farm or do anything that decreases our dependence on oil -- except build nuclear facilities -- will have the full support, financial or otherwise, of the United States government, no strings attached.

This shit happened on my watch and I'm going to deal with it. I'm sorry that I was sucked in by the money that the oil companies shoved into my coffers. I shouldn't have let something as petty as money deter me from doing what's right for the people of this great nation.

You elected me because you thought I was the best man for the job and up until now, I have been less than that. From this day forward, I will fight hard for you, not for me, not for my party, not for corporations, but for you. If that means that in the future, I have to abolish the Federal Reserve, reinstate our own currency or zero out everybody's mortgages and student loans, I'll do it. Fuck political ramifications.

NOW you have some motherfuckin' hope.

Labels: Barack Obama, snark