Sorry for the redo on this, but when I was copy/pasting I made a poor decision to change…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:11 PM Permalink

…the titling of individual segments and screwed it up, so here's all the post.

…I've been house hunting, may have found one, I have placed my bid, so I now have time to help Texas rewrite history…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 5:34 PM Permalink


…But I think it's a serious mistake for them not to start with the Original Books upon which they base life itself, the Bible, incorporating, of course the argument that Man and dinosaurs coexisted together. This rewrite has grown much longer than I supposed it would and is much longer, so I will break it up into installments, starting with this one.

On the First Day the Lord, still hungover from his invention of what later became known as 'sacramental wine' said, "Let there be light!" And light came unto the Great Void, the Lord, reeling and repulsed, badly hungover, said, "Turn off the Light!" When He awoke he still had an aching head, so he Created Aspirin, took several pills of it and his head stopped hurting, so He said unto Himself, "That was cool, so I will allow it to stay around just in case I have another headache." But looking around He saw nothing to keep the aspirin in so He created what He decided to call a 'medicine cabinet' placed a bottle, His newest Idea, of Aspirin onto a Shelf, and just for His amusement He did make a Mirrored Door that He closed and lo! gazing at His reflection in the Mirror said, "I did not know I was such a Handsome God!" So vowing to create Creatures to Worship His image, Hangover fading fast, He did again kick back and return to sleep and so It Was. The First Day the Lord spent sleeping off the rest of His hangover.

On the Second Day He again called for Light, and the Lord didn't like the emptiness, the Great Void, surrounding him, the only object within view a Ball so dense and heavy not even the Omnipotent one himself could pick it up, move it in anyway, or do anything fun with it, so the Lord did cast a mighty bolt of Energy that caused the Ball to explode with such great force that it knocked the the Lord on his ass and thereafter all He did was watch galaxies being created, some loose, some spinning, some not, red hot orbs He called Suns, and whirling discs of debris that slowly joined together to become Planets, another fine word he invented. He mumbled to himself, " Wow! Did I do that?" One nearby planet in particular caught his attention so He did cause Water, a brand new Idea, to fall and fall until Earth shone as a blue jewel in comparison to the other trillions of suns and planets in the broad open Lesser Voids in space. These Lesser Voids quickly started to bore Him so he decided to do something that would amuse Himself, maybe something capable of bringing a mighty Laugh unto the Lord.

So, He created the oceans, seven (His lucky number) seas, and a single hugh piece of dry land. The dry land disturbed the Lord as the aesthetics didn't look quite right, so he broke the Land up into Great Segments, spacing them until they appealed to his Eye and thusly created the Continents, which pleased Him greatly except for the bareness everywhere. Then He did return to sleeping for the rest of the day to ready Himself for the fun He was to have when He awoke to finally rid Himself of what He had decided to call a Hangover that tended to interfere with having Fun. Another new concept conceived at the very moment He did choose to conceive it, and it was good. He decided to Crash as tomorrow would be a Fun though busy day.

[Installment Two, Day Three, coming soon. How did those silly bastards on Texas School Board thing they could revise schoolbooks without revising the Bible first? Typical government thinking. Bill]

If the Texan School Board can rewrite schoolbooks with the intent…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:10 PM Permalink


…of changing history by cutting out Thomas Jefferson (How will they explain the hugh Jefferson Monument to all the little chirrun'?) Then I, as an atheist am free to rewrite the Bible. This is the second installment that began March 12, 2010. We pick up the story from the end of Day Two:

On the Third Day He did create animals; reptiles, lions, tigers, and monkeys and many, many, of all manner of creatures, He did create for the land, including dinosaurs large and small, and for His beautiful oceans He Created all manner of crustaceans, fish, sharks (the Great White Shark, in particular, greatly pleased Him for come reason), and to insure a sufficient supply of what He termed Food, He did also create millions of different Flora and Fauna with just a wave of His Mighty Hand, and to prevent Sloth from entering His Favorite Planet He did make it so that the Flora and Fauna flourished under the Great Light He decided to call a Sun, combined with the Great Fall Of Water He called Rain, and other nutrients from, as He named it, the Soil.

Seeing how cool were all the Things and Creatures He had constructed, He did take some clay into His Hands, and molded it into his very own image, as He saw reflected in the still waters of a Pond and confirmed by another look at the Mirror of the Cabinet wherein He kept his aspirin, He then gave this Creature the name Man because Man sounded so cool to Him, was easy to remember, and made him laugh unto Himself at all the variations the name opened up, such as, "Hey, Man," and, "What's up, Man," or, "Cool, Man."

So, satisfied with the Great Deal He had undertaken and how He had succeeded far beyond His Expectations, His Greatest Act of the Day He was to breath the Breath of Life into Man, coincidently inventing what came to later be called "Shot-gunning," or the facilitating of the exchange of the Smoke of Plants He had created that very day, and, in fact, one Plant He found particularly intriguing with its multiple finger-like leaves with white Buds as He had decided to call them; He did pick, made them Dry, and placed them into a new object He called a Pipe, lit the Buds with Fire drawn from the Sun with His Mighty Finger and breathed in the what he called Smoke. And liked the effects of Getting High and He found that It was good. It enhanced the beautiful colors of the World He had created so He continued Smoking Buds until Sleep fell upon Him. His last thought being that this was Good and would bear Repeating.

Then, before Crashing, He remembered that He had decided to end the day by placing the new Creature he called Man, deciding to name him George, into one of the most beautiful, fruitful places, crawling with other creatures and just so Great that He named it The Garden of Eden for no reason other than it sounded cool, "Hey, Man, where are you going?" and Man would respond, "To the bountiful Garden of Eden You gave me, Lord." Then, still chuckling to himself He did sleep and all was Good.

To show the Texas School Board…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 11:57 PM Permalink


…that if you are going to rewrite history you should start with the Bible, this is my third installment towards that effort:

Upon awaking on the Fourth Day God couldn't find the Man anywhere, but He did see footprints like those of a Man followed by dozens of other footprints in the sand going in the same direction. He followed he tracks and found a corpse. The dinosaurs he had created before Man had pursued, caught, killed, and eaten the Man. All that was left of the Man was being picked clean by carrion eating birds until a Tyrannosaurus Rex burst into the clearing, picked up the bloody corpse of Man and swallowed it whole, and several vultures along with it. This did Piss Him off mightily, but with infinite patience He did start again.

He created another Man, calling him Dick, which for some reason amused Him, and placed him in as beautiful a Garden of Eden, but far from the First Garden for safety's sake. To insure that this new Man would have Someone to Help the Man, He did remove a single Rib from the Man he called Dick and created Woman. He decided to call her Lynn and he did then introduce them and told them to Populate the world by having Babies.

And He was mightily pleased with Himself and the New Man Dick and his Woman Lynn. Then he went traveling about the world, viewing it close up, from billions of light years distance, from every angle and, mightily pleased with His work He returned to the new Garden of Eden to check up on Man and his Woman. This time it was even worse. a gang of velociraptors had hunted the Man down, torn him limb-from-limb and had almost finished eating the Man. Again the mighty T-Rex came bellowing into the area and the other dinosaurs split, again allowing the T-Rex to consume the last of the corpse. The T-Rex then spotted the woman and started in pursuit, which the dinosaur easily won, killing and swallowing the Woman Lynn with a single bite.

That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be destroyed so as to not eat every Man He created. So with a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for centuries, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all these dinosaur bones."

To be continued…

The Never Ending Story of the Bible as Rewritten for…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 8:21 PM Permalink


…the Texas School Board which wishes to rewrite history to suit themselves rather than corrupting the innocent little chirrun' with the truth.

This installment picks up where God has had his second attempt to make a Man and His first attempt to create Woman, all eaten by Dinosaurs:

That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be gotten rid of so as to not eat every Man He created. So with just a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for the rest of the Day, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all those dinosaur bones."

In a flash of inspiration He did bury the bones all over the Earth at various depths and chuckled to Himself that the next Man or Men He placed on Earth would be sorely pressed to figure out what these bones had belonged to and would give Man endless hours of entertainment digging, finding bones, putting them together like a puzzle, and trying to figure out what they were, when they had lived, how they lived, how they died, and what purpose for which they were on Earth. The more he thought about it the more amused did God become.

And so Ended the Fourth Day and the Dawn brought upon the Earth the beginning of the Fifth Day. God was very Despondent and Depressed. All His best efforts to Create Man and Woman has thus far been met with Disaster. But, determined to not give up, for after all he was God, so He did indeed restore all the small Creatures of the fields and the Fishes in the Oceans and saw that It was good, and so He did partake more of the interesting multi-fingered Plant with the Buds packed into his Pipe and again used only one of His Mighty Hands to draw fire from the Sun to light the Pipe. After much Smoking, as He had decided to call the Inhalation of the Smoke from the Pipe, His good mood was restored, He realized that five days had gone by and He had originally wanted to complete Earth in Seven days, and so he Created a New, Bigger, and Better Garden of Eden, molded a New Man out of Clay, and then he did Breathe Life unto the Man just as He was exhaling the Smoke from the Buds, and He did Laugh and Laugh and Laugh as He watched the Man catching a Buzz, so when he did again take a Rib from His New, Improved Man, much better Hung than the last two who had been very poorly Hung with the apparatus Man would use to reproduce, He was sure to make her as Voluptuous as possible, Endowing Her with Magnificent Mammary Glands, as He decided to call them with the Intent that She use them to feed the Children He expected the two of them to produce, and then did Breathe Life into Her, again with the Smoke from the Buds He now so liked to Smoke. Almost immediately the Man and the Woman did start the process of Reproduction while Laughing and Laughing as they became more Aroused. God saw that this was Good, and He did Smoke another Pipe of Buds before He rested and slept the rest of Day Five.

The Continuing Rewrite of the Bible in Order to Spare…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:12 PM Permalink


…the Texas School Board, which is frantically rewriting the history of America to exclude Thomas Jefferson from that history, of the need to rewrite the Bible. As an atheist I am at least as highly qualified to rewrite the Bible as those Texas jerk-offs are to try and rewrite American History and thereby school the little chirrun' to be ignorant of the Truth:

As Day Six dawned God awakened in a very despondent and depressed mood again, something that did cause Him Great Concern as this was the second time He had felt this way in only a few days. He did Vow that he would rid Himself of this feeling and reached for His Pipe and drew from the Sun, with His Mighty Finger, Flame with which to Light His Pipe only to discover that His Pipe was empty. And so God looked down upon his latest Garden of Eden and was Pleased to find the Man, Adam, and his Woman, Eve, were still Hard at work attempting to Procreate. This pleased God, for he did Truthfully desire for them to bring forth Progeny. He did watch for awhile, Greatly Impressed, at the Vigor and seemingly Tireless Efforts of Adam and Eve to Procreate, and it was only when they stopped for short time to refresh themselves by Swimming and Splashing with the Fishes that lived in the Lake He had installed in the Garden of Eden that he remembered that His original Reason for coming Down to Earth was to Replenish His Pipe with some Fresh Buds from the Multi-fingered Leafed Plant that, in his Wisdom, which was infinite, He had decided to call Pot, and Lo, though he searched everywhere in the Garden, from the Highest Mountain to the Shores of the very Lake in which Adam and Eve were again busy Procreating, He could find none of His Highly Regarded Pot. This Vexed Him Greatly, so He used the Power of his Position as God to plant the Biggest, Tallest, and Most Plentiful with Buds the Greatest Pot Plant to Ever Exist, even though He did have to Remove Many Fruited Trees and Plants, including the Apple Tree (as He had named it), and then did He Appear as an Apparition on the Shore of the Lake where Adam and Eve were again resting between attempts to Procreate, and He did Spaketh unto them in a Mighty Voice, "Adam! Eve! Turn thy attention to Me, All Powerful God, Your Creator, and Creator of all that you Do See and Much, Much More that You Have Not Seen and Take Heed of my Words. First, did You two smoke all the Buds from the Multi-finger Leafed Plan that I have Named Pot?"

"Why, yes O Lord, as we did find it to be a powerful Aphrodisiac that helped us with our efforts to Procreate, which is, O Lord the reason we guessed as the reason you did give us Life and this beautiful and Bountiful Garden. You got a problem with that?"

"YES!" Did the Lord God bellow in a Voice so Mighty and Powerful that it did Knock Adam and Eve Backwards and off their feet and Did Flatten many of the Plants and Caused Many of the Fish in the Lake float to the surface of the Lake, knocked Unconscious. The Ferocity of His reply Did Make Adam and Eve tremble in Fear and plead to God.

"O Lord, we did not know that this plant was so Precious unto you, and we did partake of every plant we could find until we could find no more. What need we do now, O Lord, to make Reparations unto you for our Transgression?"

And God responded, "I have Made a New Pot plant in the Grove in which the Apples do grow and you are Forbidden to partake of any Part of that Pot Plant lest You be cast from the Garden of Eden where Life will be Most Difficult to Maintain; where You shall become Ashamed of Your Nakedness; Where Sin shall come upon You in many manners most Foul and as yet Unknown unto You; and where You will no longer find Life to be so easy, Where you will have to Domesticate Animals to help You, and where You shall live a Very Hard Life!"

"O Lord, we do hear you and shall obey, but we must know if there is any other Plant, Animal, or anything of any kind which will incur your wrath should we use it? We must know this O Lord so we do not Piss you Off again."

"No," His Mighty Voice bellowed loudly, "There is Nothing Else about which I Feel So Strongly, so I Shall Not address You Again. Should you break this Covenant you shall be Summarily cast from the Garden of Eden without further Notice. Take Heed!" He did admonish them.

And so, in a manner of speaking, did Life in the Garden resume. Adam and Eve continued their efforts to procreate and did enjoy Partaking freely of the many delicious Fruits and Vegetables and Fish and other small Creatures they would capture and cook over the flames Residual from the Lightening Bolts that occasionally came with a Mighty Rainfall, Keeping the Flames going with dried branches of the many different Trees. It was only a Matter of Time that they found themselves in the Grove of Apples and discovered how very Delicious and Nutritious was the fruit of the Apple Trees. As they did eat their way towards the Center of the Grove of Apples Eve did spy the Mighty, Beautiful, and Bountifully endowed with Buds, the last remaining Pot plant which She knew was Forbidden to Her and Adam. Adam had lately developed a taste for what he called Applesauce and Eve thought that if she was very careful to leave no sign of Her Transgression, she could pick just a few Buds, mix them in with Adam's Applesauce, and no one would be the wiser.

But screw up did Eve, as in her Greed instead of taking a few small Buds from the lower Branches of the Pot Plant, she had spied a particularly Hugh Bud growing at the very top of the Plant, which had grown so stout and sturdy that it was all too easy for her to climb up among the branches of the Pot Plant and cut off this topmost Hugh Bud. She very quickly made her way back to the campsite where, sure enough, Adam has set most apples boiling to make his favorite dish, applesauce. She sent Adam to fetch fresh water from the stream and in his absence she shredded the Hugh Bud and added it to the Applesauce. It did not take long after consuming the applesauce for Adam to become Aroused and in the mood for procreating. And so they Did It and Did It and Did it until their joyous screams of joy did reach God Himself, Who had, in fact, been taking a long Nap.

Pleased with Adam and Eve's efforts he decided to Smoke a Pipeful of Buds and continue watching for a while. But when he reached down to pluck The Hugh Buds He had been Cultivating for a long time, He could not help but notice that the Topmost Bud, His Prize Bud, the Bud which he coveted over all other Buds, and the Bud He had most wanted to smoke WAS GONE! As His Rage did elevate itself into the Wrath of God He searched High and Low for his Most Prized Bud and, after finding no sign whatever of the Bud having been Smoked it occurred to Him to taste of Adam's Applesauce and It was There that he found the Remnants of his Most Prized Bud.

In a Full Blown Rage He turned the Skies Black and did Raise a Mighty Wind to drive the Rain He let loose as in a Flood, causing it to fall with such Force that Many Plants, and Small Creatures He had made were crushed beneath It. And True to his words God created a Whirlwind He decided to call a Tornado, and with the force of the Mighty Tornado He did Cause the Vacuum in the center to suck up Adam and Eve and Take Them from the Garden of Eden and drop them into the wilds of the Continent He had named Africa, where, ashamed of their nakedness they sought to cover themselves and and they did scream out and beg for the Mercy of God, who had Plucked some of the other Buds from his prized Pot Plant, loaded His Pipe and alit It with Fire He drew from the Sun with his Mighty Finger.

He got Very Stoned, and without a thought of Adam and Eve, he Got High, said,"This is some Great Sh*t!" and Smoked and got Higher and Higher until just before he fell asleep His Last Thought was that all was Well and then He did Crash for the rest of the Day.

Day Seven and the last of my endeavor to relieve…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:42 PM Permalink


…the Texas School Board of having to rewrite the Bible. They are far too busy rewriting American History to delete Thomas Jefferson, the primary writer of the Declaration of Independence and one of several writers of our U.S. Constitution, so that they can hide from the little chirrun' the truth of the founding of America.

My story picks up at the beginning of the beginning of Day Seven:

When God awakened on Day Seven He was shocked to find another Apparition, almost Equally Strong as God Himself, sitting Calmly and Partaking of the Lord's Pipe and Smoking His Pot as Casually as if it belonged to him instead of God. Curiously curious as to Who or What this New Apparition was the Lord did not immediately Grow Angry at this Trespass and merely Inquired, "And Who might You Be and What makes You Believe You May freely Partake of My Pot?"

In a comparably Neutral Voice as the Lord's had been when making His Inquiry the Apparition, now taking a More Solid Appearance with Horns on his Forehead, a Forked Tongue, and a Whip-like Tail trailing behind Him, His Complexion becoming Red in Appearance did reply, "Please allow Me to Introduce Myself, I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste…" and Before He Could continue God was Rolling Around in Space Laughing so Very Hard that Tears did Come to Be in His Eyes as He Said, "Aw, C'mon! Who do you think You are Fooling with an Opening Introduction that Pompous?"

Apparently taking no Umbrage at the Lord's Laughter the New Guy did Begin to Laugh with the Lord, saying, "Well, hey, You can't Blame a Guy for Trying!" and then He did Pass the Lit Pipe to the Lord and Continued, "I am the Natural Consequence of Having Cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. I am the Evil One, Counterpart to Thyself, and I am to be Called the Devil."

By now, thoroughly Stoned, God did Pass the Pipe back to the Devil, Still Laughing as he asked, "The Evil One? The Devil? Surely Thou Doth Jest and are merely taking Advantage of My Good Mood and Great High to pull My Leg, in good Humor, of course." The devil did take a Mighty Hit of Pot from the Pipe and told God, "No, Really, I am not Kidding. When you cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden You did Cause the Creation of Me, the Devil, Beelzebub to be More Informal, but I am here to do Mighty Battle with You for the Souls of Man, to Boldly go where No Evil has ever Gone Before, To Seek Out New Life and…"

"And Yada, Yada, Yada," laughed God as the Devil did Pass the Pipe back to Him. "And What is It that makes You believe that I will not just… Smite You?…Smote you?… oh, Hell, why wouldn't I just Blow You Up?"

"Hell. Hell. Yeah, That's the Ticket, I shall call my domain Hell and fill it Up with Such Evil and Naked Women in Bondage that One Day there will be a Political Party that will find Me Impossible to Resist! And, Lo, they Shall be Called Republicans! Yeah! W-h-o-o-o-o-e-e-e! Son of a Gun We'll have Big Fun on the Bayou! Oh, Please Pardon my Ramblings as You did Make unto Me an Inquiry as to why shouldn't You just Blow Me Up and Destroy Me and You Deserve an Answer to your Query. I Regret to inform you that after Exerting so much Effort to Create a World and fill it with Plants, Fishes, Small and Large Land Animals, and Destroying all the Dinosaurs and Distributing the Bones all over the Planet, You now Lack Sufficient Strength to 'Just Blow Me Up.' Go ahead, give it a try."

And God did Gather All the Power He could Summon, the Very Power with which He had Created the Universe and Earth, All the Power of the Trillions of Suns and Black Holes He had Created Just for Mischief, and He did Let Loose a Beam of Power Such as Has Been Seen never Before or Afterwards and Did Squarely Strike the Devil right in the Center of his Being, and Such was the Power of Such A Mighty Blast that It did Knock the Devil on His Ass and Blew Him a Million Millions of Miles into Space.

And It was Good, for Although God was Greatly tired by the Effort He did Pick Up His Pipe and Lo! There was the Devil, Who was Polite enough to Draw the Fire for God to Light His Pipe.
God could See that His Adversary was indeed too Strong for God to Merely Blow Him Up, so as he drew a Hit from his Mighty Pipe he Did Remark, "Thanks for the Lighting of my Pipe. I See now that Thou Did Spaketh the Truth when You Claimed Power So Great as to keep Me from Blowing you Up." And He handed the Pipe back to the Devil, saying, "Perhaps You are Correct and It is Only because I have Expended So Much of My Power in Creating Everything, to Include You, too, I Guess, so I have a Proposal to make unto you: Let Us Agree that this, the Seventh Day, and Every Seventh Day Hereafter We do call a Truce and Spend the Day at Leisure, Smoking my Pipe, Getting High, and, Perhaps, even sharing a Good Laugh occasionally?"

And even the Devil Himself saw that this was a Good Deal, as Although God's Mighty Bolt had not been Powerful enough to Destroy Him, it had sure Hurt Like Hell, so, chuckling at his turn of the Phrase Hurt like Hell, He Said, "That's Cool with me. You got anymore of this Great Pot?"

"Yea and Verily It is So, I have Plenty of Pot, and now that We have Declared The Seventh Day, let's Call It the Sabbath, a day of Truce and Rest, Let Us Kick Back and Enjoy another Pipe."

And So Endeth Day Seven, the Sabbath, and So Ends My Efforts to Rewrite the Bible for the Texas School Board. I know there were many, many other Chapters and stories in the Bible, But as They were Written by Men Such as Me, I consider them Not Worthy of Being Rewritten.

The End.

Labels: Bible rewrite, humor, illuminati