Monday, February 07, 2011

Welcome back to our ongoing 24/7/365 coverage of Egypt…Yes, all Egypt, all the time…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:13 PM Permalink

…and boy howdy do we have exciting new developments to report to you today friends and readers, or just friendly readers.

This exciting news was brought to me by my friend Bobby Briggs, my inside confidential informant working with the throngs of other negotiators and can therefore give me the news firsthand. However, due to his important position he has requested total anonymity which was ok'd by my editors so I will not identify him.

Anyway, in the most exciting development yet since the difficulties began for President Mubarak I can now reveal that an anonymous source has informed this reporter that former boy king, Tutankhamun, has agreed to be rehydrated, have all his organs replaced within his body, and receive the blood transfusions necessary to come out of his mummy status to regain control of his subjects by showering the entire country with millions of solid gold trinkets the King had retained in his still hidden, location unknown, carefully concealed, booby-trapped and cursed treasury that has remained undiscovered since King Tut, as the people of Egypt fondly refer to him before he passed away.

It is the King's theory that his people will be too busy collecting enough gold to make them forever self-sufficient and able to live like a pharaoh the rest of their natural lives, and that they will no longer have the time nor the inclination to protest any further.

Let's take a moment here to check on other newsworthy events elsewhere in the world. There is nothing happening in the rest of the world so we will now return to our 24/7/365 coverage of events as they happen on the ground in Egypt.

We can now report, based upon information provided by our anonymous source, that there has been what is being called a "minor snag" in the negotiations for the return of King Tut. The boy King, in return for saving the country of his birth, has demanded telepathically (the only means by which he can communicate with the negotiation team) that former queen Nefertiti, his former mother-in-law and seven-time winner of the "Babe from Babylonia" beauty contest also be revived as King Tut had secretly lusted for her for years before settling for her daughter.

Former Queen Nefertiti is still, perhaps, most infamous for telling the stonecutters to inscribe above the main entrance to her tomb that she could, "See Saudi Arabia from the top of the pyramids."

Now for a brief break to bring you on-going events in the U.S. financial situation…uh…wait, I have just been informed that there is nothing happening in America's financial community today so we now return to our coverage of Egyptian events.

The reported efforts to revive King Tut and Queen Nefertiti has suffered a hugh setback as the Mummy Revival and Stonecutters Union, Local 904, has gone on strike demanding higher wages, more vacation time, and to be forever released from responsibility for building the new pyramids that the King and Queen will undoubtedly order upon revival.

The king, according to my sources, has telepathically advised the negotiation team to agree to the demands of the unions involved as he will have them all fed to his dogs after they've had a brief trip through cobra-filled snake pits. Related to this is the King's demand that all Egyptian asps must be caught and killed, hunted to the point of extinction.

The negotiation team has advised that Sarah Palin would be hired to scour the country shooting every snake on sight from the safety of her low and slow flying airplane. When contacted for comment former Gov. Palin was heard to comment that just a few perfectly placed nuclear weapons would, upon detonation, guarantee the death of every asp in Egypt, including ,"…all those Egyptian asp-holes…".

Our Foreign Affairs Division report reveals that there is nothing happening anywhere involving foreign affairs.

So in bringing to a close my segment of the 24/7/365 coverage of Egypt I want to assure all our readers that our "All Egypt, All the Time," will continue in thirty seconds and will continue unabated until we can bring you the news that the King, and the Queen he lusts for, are again in charge, barring any surreptitious, sneaky, lowdown, underhanded, improper, and vicious acts by the American CIA, which was once again caught with their pants down, their male members in hand, and without the faintest idea that there had even been an uprising in Egypt.

In news from America today it has been reported that that there is no news from America today.

Well, time to sign off now, so to all my readers and friends (I think sometimes that only my friends read me!), I say to you:

Ciao, bella ámi.

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