None of the Above Winning in GOP, Senator Do Nothing Files FEC Complaint

posted by Bill Arnett @ 10:55 AM Permalink

From an AP poll reported in The Huffington Post:

And the leading Republican presidential candidate is ... none of the above.

The latest Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that nearly a quarter of Republicans are unwilling to back top-tier hopefuls Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain or Mitt Romney, and no one candidate has emerged as the clear front-runner among Christian evangelicals. Such dissatisfaction underscores the volatility of the 2008 GOP nomination fight.

As with most polls the true story is what is happening "behind the scenes of exciting GOP Politics and Polling."

The news prompted a strenuous objection to the polling method used. Senator Do Nothing (I honestly can't remember what state he's from or what he looks like), filed a complaint with the FEC, claiming that conducting polls by actually asking questions on the issues is just not fair and prejudices the chances of anyone claiming to be running for president.

"They just can't conduct polls in this reckless manner of speaking to uninformed, disassociated voters who just aren't smart enough to understand the importance of the issues or the office of president. If they keep this up it might well make it impossible for a president to accept bad advice, use focus-group tested slogans, or otherwise be dishonest with and condescending to the numbskulls who vote for Republican leadership," the Senator said before stamping his foot in disgust, shouting, "Hiyo, Silver!", donning his cowboy hat, boots, spurs and riding off on his mule to find the nearest cathouse.

Mr. None of the Above immediately issued a press release touting not only his prowess in obtaining high poll numbers, but stating as well a strategy of campaigning while actually high, claiming it helps him remain focused on a single issue at a time when he can remember what the issue is being discussed.

"I'm very pleased to find myself in the lead this morning and I am, in fact capable of finding myself on most days, a very important trait for President of the United States and one sadly lacking in President bush. I plan on running a clean campaign with none of that, 'bush is a liar,' stuff. Hell, everybody knows that."

The news of the new poll numbers came as a shock to Daniel Lionsmeat, spokesman for the GOP and the RNC. "I confess that we really didn't see this coming, as we all felt all along that John McCain would achieve greater popularity than Mr. None of the Above, especially since the Senator is clearly as capable of doing nothing as his opponent, and furthermore has the experience doing nothing that Mr. None of the Above lacks."

I made contact with the campaigns of all 137 candidates for the Republican nomination, most of whom had no comment, although when speaking "not-for-attribution and off-the-record," many campaign managers and spokesman admired the fact that an unknown newcomer could enter the race at this late date and immediately take the lead.

"You really have to admire that kind of devil-may-care campaigning, that can't-do spirit of the Republican party, that screw-the-people savoir faire that is the hallmark of the GOP, and obviously popular with the bottom-feeding mouth-breathers that make up our voting base. It's going to be a tough fight," one spokesman said, "Especially since Mr. None of the Above embodies all the characteristics of the party, you know, corruption, shady investments, a hugh block of Exxon-Mobil stock, Big Pharmaceutical holdings, and he owns the controlling interest of USA Inc., which is charged with selling off national monuments to Chinese collectors. With a portfolio that comprehensive he's already bought or paid off virtually every election official in all fifty states and still has his connections with Jack Myarmoff to pull in lobbyist money. And he cheats on his 14th wife with choirboys, what an unstoppable combination!"

"Mr. None of the Above will win as the quintessential, prototypical Republican neocon GOP Compassionate Conservative who not only supports the president's Iraq and Iran War Plans, but also insists that America should invade and conquer Great Britain as well. I don't really understand the Great Britain thing, but just saying we'll do it has made None of the Above the frontrunner and candidate to beat," said another.

I attempted to contact this new, dynamic candidate and request further comment based upon these remarks, but his spokesman, Sony Stow, advised me that Mr. None of the Above was in prayer with some of his constituents, doing "bonghits 4 Jesus" to prove their fidelity to both religion and to the party platform.

Labels: snark