Thursday, July 16, 2009

And all ya gotta do is act naturally…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:20 PM Permalink

…which it appears the CIA was doing when they allegedly used fire ants as a torture method to interrogate 'terrorists'.

See this article from the Huffington Post detailing this shameful practice:
…A CIA supervisor involved in the "enhanced interrogation" program bragged to other CIA employees about using fire ants while during questioning of a top terror suspect, according to several sources formerly with the Agency. The official claimed to other Agency employees, the sources say, to have put the stinging ants on a detainee's head to help break him.…

So what is one to make of his bizarre claim to have used fire ants to get a terrorist suspect to talk? …
After reading this fine article I contacted some of my personal sources at the CIA and by happy circumstance actually got to speak to Jim Robertson, the covert agent-in-charge, who has requested and been granted anonymity.

I asked jim my confidential source as to just how they went about using fire ants as agents of torture.

"The difficult part was locating ant wranglers with sufficient skill to capture, train, and then activate the ants to torture on command. We got lucky when we found a rancher in the very heart of Texas whose ranch was being overrun by these critters, his livestock's health in jeopardy, and who would sell us the fire ants at the bargain basement price of only $325,000.00 each.

After acquiring the ants and transporting them to Dick Cheney's secret underground lair, where most torturing was done while VP Cheney, his lap covered with blankets, sat and observed with a faraway -type of smile on his face and the blankets mysteriously moving up and down in a rhythmic fashion. Funny how he made sure no one EVER looked under that blanket, which was always incinerated immediately after the torturing stopped.

The ants themselves were put through an intensive and rigorous training program, which included language skills, studies of the human body, paying particular attention to nerve centers so that they might inflict the most pain possible with the fewest number of ants, and martial arts training to facilitate inducing maxim pain, karate chopping the torture victims with all six legs while simultaneously stinging and biting in unison on command with the other fire ants. I don't know if you've ever been bitten and stung by fire ants, but nothing is worst than six simultaneous karate chops from CIA trained fire ants!

The program was doomed to failure for several reasons: terrorists are normally used to dealing with fire ants and other deadly insects in their daily lives and have, for the most part, developed an immunity to their bites and stings. Also, our interrogators kept losing track of the ants, often stepping on several million dollars worth of agent ants a day, and finally, complaints from the big Dick of some sort of chafing in an unspecified location of his body.

The program was ultimately stopped when it was discovered that a large number of fire ants, say about 50% of them, had developed sympathy for the terrorists and were actually passing on any and all intelligence they could gather to the terrorist allegedly being tortured. Just why they turned on us and defected will never be known for sure, but it is suspected that the defection was prompted by the heavy panting of the Big Dick which just happened to be mostly in the frequency ranges which fire ants use for communication. When they discovered how badly they were being treated, how hard they were forced to work, the long hours of martial arts practice, and their disgust at the thoughts radiating from the Big Dick they arranged an en masse defection.

It was actually kind of embarrassing how they escaped by overpowering the single guard posted to watch them, after which they simply formed a straight line and one-by-one marched out of the Big Dick's hidden, underground and undisclosed location, ironically the same location where the Big Dick always hides in an emergency or for a late night unauthorized rendezvous."

This is where this sad tale of torture must end as my informant's phone line went momentarily dead, then began playing elevator music, and finally a teenager came on the line saying, "Little Caesar's Pizza, may I take your order? Our special today is a south-of-the-border epicurean delight with freshly harvested fire ants piled high to ad that 'special' taste that can be found nowhere else!"

I thanked the young man, declined to make an order, and hung up marveling at the speed with which the CIA covers its tracks.

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