The Continuing Rewrite of the Bible in Order to Spare…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:12 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board, which is frantically rewriting the history of America to exclude Thomas Jefferson from that history, of the need to rewrite the Bible. As an atheist I am at least as highly qualified to rewrite the Bible as those Texas jerk-offs are to try and rewrite American History and thereby school the little chirrun' to be ignorant of the Truth:
As Day Six dawned God awakened in a very despondent and depressed mood again, something that did cause Him Great Concern as this was the second time He had felt this way in only a few days. He did Vow that he would rid Himself of this feeling and reached for His Pipe and drew from the Sun, with His Mighty Finger, Flame with which to Light His Pipe only to discover that His Pipe was empty. And so God looked down upon his latest Garden of Eden and was Pleased to find the Man, Adam, and his Woman, Eve, were still Hard at work attempting to Procreate. This pleased God, for he did Truthfully desire for them to bring forth Progeny. He did watch for awhile, Greatly Impressed, at the Vigor and seemingly Tireless Efforts of Adam and Eve to Procreate, and it was only when they stopped for short time to refresh themselves by Swimming and Splashing with the Fishes that lived in the Lake He had installed in the Garden of Eden that he remembered that His original Reason for coming Down to Earth was to Replenish His Pipe with some Fresh Buds from the Multi-fingered Leafed Plant that, in his Wisdom, which was infinite, He had decided to call Pot, and Lo, though he searched everywhere in the Garden, from the Highest Mountain to the Shores of the very Lake in which Adam and Eve were again busy Procreating, He could find none of His Highly Regarded Pot. This Vexed Him Greatly, so He used the Power of his Position as God to plant the Biggest, Tallest, and Most Plentiful with Buds the Greatest Pot Plant to Ever Exist, even though He did have to Remove Many Fruited Trees and Plants, including the Apple Tree (as He had named it), and then did He Appear as an Apparition on the Shore of the Lake where Adam and Eve were again resting between attempts to Procreate, and He did Spaketh unto them in a Mighty Voice, "Adam! Eve! Turn thy attention to Me, All Powerful God, Your Creator, and Creator of all that you Do See and Much, Much More that You Have Not Seen and Take Heed of my Words. First, did You two smoke all the Buds from the Multi-finger Leafed Plan that I have Named Pot?"
"Why, yes O Lord, as we did find it to be a powerful Aphrodisiac that helped us with our efforts to Procreate, which is, O Lord the reason we guessed as the reason you did give us Life and this beautiful and Bountiful Garden. You got a problem with that?"
"YES!" Did the Lord God bellow in a Voice so Mighty and Powerful that it did Knock Adam and Eve Backwards and off their feet and Did Flatten many of the Plants and Caused Many of the Fish in the Lake float to the surface of the Lake, knocked Unconscious. The Ferocity of His reply Did Make Adam and Eve tremble in Fear and plead to God.
"O Lord, we did not know that this plant was so Precious unto you, and we did partake of every plant we could find until we could find no more. What need we do now, O Lord, to make Reparations unto you for our Transgression?"
And God responded, "I have Made a New Pot plant in the Grove in which the Apples do grow and you are Forbidden to partake of any Part of that Pot Plant lest You be cast from the Garden of Eden where Life will be Most Difficult to Maintain; where You shall become Ashamed of Your Nakedness; Where Sin shall come upon You in many manners most Foul and as yet Unknown unto You; and where You will no longer find Life to be so easy, Where you will have to Domesticate Animals to help You, and where You shall live a Very Hard Life!"
"O Lord, we do hear you and shall obey, but we must know if there is any other Plant, Animal, or anything of any kind which will incur your wrath should we use it? We must know this O Lord so we do not Piss you Off again."
"No," His Mighty Voice bellowed loudly, "There is Nothing Else about which I Feel So Strongly, so I Shall Not address You Again. Should you break this Covenant you shall be Summarily cast from the Garden of Eden without further Notice. Take Heed!" He did admonish them.
And so, in a manner of speaking, did Life in the Garden resume. Adam and Eve continued their efforts to procreate and did enjoy Partaking freely of the many delicious Fruits and Vegetables and Fish and other small Creatures they would capture and cook over the flames Residual from the Lightening Bolts that occasionally came with a Mighty Rainfall, Keeping the Flames going with dried branches of the many different Trees. It was only a Matter of Time that they found themselves in the Grove of Apples and discovered how very Delicious and Nutritious was the fruit of the Apple Trees. As they did eat their way towards the Center of the Grove of Apples Eve did spy the Mighty, Beautiful, and Bountifully endowed with Buds, the last remaining Pot plant which She knew was Forbidden to Her and Adam. Adam had lately developed a taste for what he called Applesauce and Eve thought that if she was very careful to leave no sign of Her Transgression, she could pick just a few Buds, mix them in with Adam's Applesauce, and no one would be the wiser.
But screw up did Eve, as in her Greed instead of taking a few small Buds from the lower Branches of the Pot Plant, she had spied a particularly Hugh Bud growing at the very top of the Plant, which had grown so stout and sturdy that it was all too easy for her to climb up among the branches of the Pot Plant and cut off this topmost Hugh Bud. She very quickly made her way back to the campsite where, sure enough, Adam has set most apples boiling to make his favorite dish, applesauce. She sent Adam to fetch fresh water from the stream and in his absence she shredded the Hugh Bud and added it to the Applesauce. It did not take long after consuming the applesauce for Adam to become Aroused and in the mood for procreating. And so they Did It and Did It and Did it until their joyous screams of joy did reach God Himself, Who had, in fact, been taking a long Nap.
Pleased with Adam and Eve's efforts he decided to Smoke a Pipeful of Buds and continue watching for a while. But when he reached down to pluck The Hugh Buds He had been Cultivating for a long time, He could not help but notice that the Topmost Bud, His Prize Bud, the Bud which he coveted over all other Buds, and the Bud He had most wanted to smoke WAS GONE! As His Rage did elevate itself into the Wrath of God He searched High and Low for his Most Prized Bud and, after finding no sign whatever of the Bud having been Smoked it occurred to Him to taste of Adam's Applesauce and It was There that he found the Remnants of his Most Prized Bud.
In a Full Blown Rage He turned the Skies Black and did Raise a Mighty Wind to drive the Rain He let loose as in a Flood, causing it to fall with such Force that Many Plants, and Small Creatures He had made were crushed beneath It. And True to his words God created a Whirlwind He decided to call a Tornado, and with the force of the Mighty Tornado He did Cause the Vacuum in the center to suck up Adam and Eve and Take Them from the Garden of Eden and drop them into the wilds of the Continent He had named Africa, where, ashamed of their nakedness they sought to cover themselves and and they did scream out and beg for the Mercy of God, who had Plucked some of the other Buds from his prized Pot Plant, loaded His Pipe and alit It with Fire He drew from the Sun with his Mighty Finger.
He got Very Stoned, and without a thought of Adam and Eve, he Got High, said,"This is some Great Sh*t!" and Smoked and got Higher and Higher until just before he fell asleep His Last Thought was that all was Well and then He did Crash for the rest of the Day.
Labels: bad Religion, banned books, Bible rewrite, humor, marijuana, snark