4,719° it was yesterday in California, and even though my thermometer lied to me shamelessly…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:39 PM Permalink
…and did its digital best to convince me that it was only 110º inside the house, I've lived in the deserts of America before and I know heat when I feel it. Besides, when all five dogs have collapsed in various positions of repose on the cool, cool tile of our kitchen floor, reclining beneath the cyclonic winds created by four electric, count 'em, four
commercial grade electric fans, it's either become too hot for any kind of activity other than seeking respite from the heat or the dogs are again pulling impractical jokes on me to try and amuse me so that the stress of this superheated air as it peels the skin from my body doesn't feel quite so bad and/or without some modicum of appreciation for their efforts to take my mind off my plight.
This is why I'm not sure how apt is Obama's claim that the gop talks about him like a dog to the cheers, jeers, and screams of whatever crowd he happens to be addressing. I wish he would stop bringing disrepute upon dogs which, thousands of years ago took one look at man and thought, "Oh, shit. Those assholes won't last a century without our help. Look how pitiful and pitiable they are! They can't see in the dark, they couldn't outrun a fat bear heading to hibernate, their hearing is atrocious and utterly lame - can't even hear all those fat, well fed field mice right beneath their feet! - and though they themselves smell awful their sense of smell is so bad they don't realize their social gaffe and discomfort this causes others, indeed, making them prey for larger beasts, and every time they try to growl, act threateningly, waving their spears about and shouting unintelligibly, somewhere a large predator dies laughing. Besides, we'll work cheap, for whatever scraps of meat they want to give us remaining from the hugh beasts we help them kill for food, a place by the fire, an appellation by which we shall be known among our peers, a scratch behind the ears, and once in a while a full-body massage. Why I predict that one day Man, as he is known, will so come to appreciate us that they will allow us indoors, a special place by the fire, and food we don't even have to hunt! I know, I know, but as unlikely as this sounds I do believe it is time to hook our rising star to that of Man, laugh all you want you frickin' hyenas!"
And how do we honor an animal this noble, by citing them as a cause for derision and contempt. Puh-lease! If the gop, republicans, conservatives, religious right, neocons, party of no, teabaggers or whatever they want to reinvent themselves to be and to be called today consulted their dogs they would learn what a bunch of pussy…cats they really are.
Think about it. Dogs come in all sorts of recognized categories: hunting and sport dogs, companion dogs, working dogs, etc., etc., etc., but cats? Long hair, short hair, and no hair. Just like the gop, all flash and pomp and not a working bone or brain in their body, 'cept for that portion of the lizard-like, primal primitive brain that controls the autonomic systems of most people (you know, important stuff like breathing, eye-blinking, beating heart, fight or flight responses), but that seems to have, in republicans, devolved to the point where, incapable of honesty, empathy, and the usual survival instincts that no longer function normally and instead allow only the pursing of their lips and the uttering of a single monosyllabic response to everything: no.
These are the people who would depose President Obama and return us to those idyllic days of illegal and unnecessary wars, the slaughtering of millions and displacement of millions more in their continuing efforts to more efficiently run and manage genocides, once again doubling the size of government and completely blowing out any possibility of ever having a balanced budget, healthy citizens, informed discourse, an adherence to our Constitution which the gop has many times taken an oath to preserve and protect and defend against all enemies foreign and domestic and then gone way out of their way to denigrate the document, call for judges to strictly enforce its provisions, except where it comes to all those provisions providing for the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that annoy the gop because they empower mere citizens and constituents and endow them with the unalienable rights granted them by THEIR maker, and not the maker, the christian god, the gop desires.
Oh! And pity the poor press! Those poor asses have the unenviable task of trying to portray the country as ready to lynch Obama and return to the good old days of gwb. The republicans are always so ready to point out endlessly that polls are "…merely a picture of how people feel at this moment of time and not accurate in the long term," when the polls are running against them but that polls are infallible predictions of the future when they are running with them. Of course, that is one area where they shine, talking out of both sides of their mouths at the same time, without using their brains and sometimes without even moving their lips! Amazing!
Look! Up in the sky! It's an endangered bird falling dead from pollution! It's an utterly unnecessary and monstrously expensive war plane! No! It's the gop! Able to allow tall buildings to be downed by terrorist-manned aircraft! Spend money faster than a speeding bullet train! More powerful smelling than an aromatic votive! Yes, born on another as yet unidentified planet destroyed by their own folly they have now arrived on earth to repeat their dismal performance, just as on the last planet they blew up with newly designed weapons no one needed anyway!
Whew! I told you the heat does funny things to me, and the heat of yesterday still has its grasp on whatever is left of my enfeebled mind today. I feel like Wimpy from the old Popeye cartoons, "I'll gladly repay you with some literacy Tuesday for some relief from the heat today!"
Ciao, bella ami.
Labels: Barack Obama, Boston Terriers, Bush, climate change, dinosaurs, global warming, humor, I'm only just one man., mickey rourke, MSM, random thoughts, republican hypocrisy, republican lies
Day Seven and the last of my endeavor to relieve…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:42 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board of having to rewrite the Bible. They are far too busy rewriting American History to delete Thomas Jefferson, the primary writer of the Declaration of Independence and one of several writers of our U.S. Constitution, so that they can hide from the little chirrun' the truth of the founding of America.
My story picks up at the beginning of the beginning of Day Seven:
When God awakened on Day Seven He was shocked to find another Apparition, almost Equally Strong as God Himself, sitting Calmly and Partaking of the Lord's Pipe and Smoking His Pot as Casually as if it belonged to him instead of God. Curiously curious as to Who or What this New Apparition was the Lord did not immediately Grow Angry at this Trespass and merely Inquired, "And Who might You Be and What makes You Believe You May freely Partake of My Pot?"
In a comparably Neutral Voice as the Lord's had been when making His Inquiry the Apparition, now taking a More Solid Appearance with Horns on his Forehead, a Forked Tongue, and a Whip-like Tail trailing behind Him, His Complexion becoming Red in Appearance did reply, "Please allow Me to Introduce Myself, I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste…" and Before He Could continue God was Rolling Around in Space Laughing so Very Hard that Tears did Come to Be in His Eyes as He Said, "Aw, C'mon! Who do you think You are Fooling with an Opening Introduction that Pompous?"
Apparently taking no Umbrage at the Lord's Laughter the New Guy did Begin to Laugh with the Lord, saying, "Well, hey, You can't Blame a Guy for Trying!" and then He did Pass the Lit Pipe to the Lord and Continued, "I am the Natural Consequence of Having Cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. I am the Evil One, Counterpart to Thyself, and I am to be Called the Devil."
By now, thoroughly Stoned, God did Pass the Pipe back to the Devil, Still Laughing as he asked, "The Evil One? The Devil? Surely Thou Doth Jest and are merely taking Advantage of My Good Mood and Great High to pull My Leg, in good Humor, of course." The devil did take a Mighty Hit of Pot from the Pipe and told God, "No, Really, I am not Kidding. When you cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden You did Cause the Creation of Me, the Devil, Beelzebub to be More Informal, but I am here to do Mighty Battle with You for the Souls of Man, to Boldly go where No Evil has ever Gone Before, To Seek Out New Life and…"
"And Yada, Yada, Yada," laughed God as the Devil did Pass the Pipe back to Him. "And What is It that makes You believe that I will not just… Smite You?…Smote you?… oh, Hell, why wouldn't I just Blow You Up?"
"Hell. Hell. Yeah, That's the Ticket, I shall call my domain Hell and fill it Up with Such Evil and Naked Women in Bondage that One Day there will be a Political Party that will find Me Impossible to Resist! And, Lo, they Shall be Called Republicans! Yeah! W-h-o-o-o-o-e-e-e! Son of a Gun We'll have Big Fun on the Bayou! Oh, Please Pardon my Ramblings as You did Make unto Me an Inquiry as to why shouldn't You just Blow Me Up and Destroy Me and You Deserve an Answer to your Query. I Regret to inform you that after Exerting so much Effort to Create a World and fill it with Plants, Fishes, Small and Large Land Animals, and Destroying all the Dinosaurs and Distributing the Bones all over the Planet, You now Lack Sufficient Strength to 'Just Blow Me Up.' Go ahead, give it a try."
And God did Gather All the Power He could Summon, the Very Power with which He had Created the Universe and Earth, All the Power of the Trillions of Suns and Black Holes He had Created Just for Mischief, and He did Let Loose a Beam of Power Such as Has Been Seen never Before or Afterwards and Did Squarely Strike the Devil right in the Center of his Being, and Such was the Power of Such A Mighty Blast that It did Knock the Devil on His Ass and Blew Him a Million Millions of Miles into Space.
And It was Good, for Although God was Greatly tired by the Effort He did Pick Up His Pipe and Lo! There was the Devil, Who was Polite enough to Draw the Fire for God to Light His Pipe.
God could See that His Adversary was indeed too Strong for God to Merely Blow Him Up, so as he drew a Hit from his Mighty Pipe he Did Remark, "Thanks for the Lighting of my Pipe. I See now that Thou Did Spaketh the Truth when You Claimed Power So Great as to keep Me from Blowing you Up." And He handed the Pipe back to the Devil, saying, "Perhaps You are Correct and It is Only because I have Expended So Much of My Power in Creating Everything, to Include You, too, I Guess, so I have a Proposal to make unto you: Let Us Agree that this, the Seventh Day, and Every Seventh Day Hereafter We do call a Truce and Spend the Day at Leisure, Smoking my Pipe, Getting High, and, Perhaps, even sharing a Good Laugh occasionally?"
And even the Devil Himself saw that this was a Good Deal, as Although God's Mighty Bolt had not been Powerful enough to Destroy Him, it had sure Hurt Like Hell, so, chuckling at his turn of the Phrase Hurt like Hell, He Said, "That's Cool with me. You got anymore of this Great Pot?"
"Yea and Verily It is So, I have Plenty of Pot, and now that We have Declared The Seventh Day, let's Call It the Sabbath, a day of Truce and Rest, Let Us Kick Back and Enjoy another Pipe."
And So Endeth Day Seven, the Sabbath, and So Ends My Efforts to Rewrite the Bible for the Texas School Board. I know there were many, many other Chapters and stories in the Bible, But as They were Written by Men Such as Me, I consider them Not Worthy of Being Rewritten.
The End.
Ciao, bella āme.
Labels: Bible rewrite, christian hypocrisy, Creationists, crooked republican party, dinosaurs, humor, snark
The Never Ending Story of the Bible as Rewritten for…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 8:21 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board which wishes to rewrite history to suit themselves rather than corrupting the innocent little chirrun' with the truth.
This installment picks up where God has had his second attempt to make a Man and His first attempt to create Woman, all eaten by Dinosaurs:
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be gotten rid of so as to not eat every Man He created. So with just a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for the rest of the Day, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all those dinosaur bones."
In a flash of inspiration He did bury the bones all over the Earth at various depths and chuckled to Himself that the next Man or Men He placed on Earth would be sorely pressed to figure out what these bones had belonged to and would give Man endless hours of entertainment digging, finding bones, putting them together like a puzzle, and trying to figure out what they were, when they had lived, how they lived, how they died, and what purpose for which they were on Earth. The more he thought about it the more amused did God become.
And so Ended the Fourth Day and the Dawn brought upon the Earth the beginning of the Fifth Day. God was very Despondent and Depressed. All His best efforts to Create Man and Woman has thus far been met with Disaster. But, determined to not give up, for after all he was God, so He did indeed restore all the small Creatures of the fields and the Fishes in the Oceans and saw that It was good, and so He did partake more of the interesting multi-fingered Plant with the Buds packed into his Pipe and again used only one of His Mighty Hands to draw fire from the Sun to light the Pipe. After much Smoking, as He had decided to call the Inhalation of the Smoke from the Pipe, His good mood was restored, He realized that five days had gone by and He had originally wanted to complete Earth in Seven days, and so he Created a New, Bigger, and Better Garden of Eden, molded a New Man out of Clay, and then he did Breathe Life unto the Man just as He was exhaling the Smoke from the Buds, and He did Laugh and Laugh and Laugh as He watched the Man catching a Buzz, so when he did again take a Rib from His New, Improved Man, much better Hung than the last two who had been very poorly Hung with the apparatus Man would use to reproduce, He was sure to make her as Voluptuous as possible, Endowing Her with Magnificent Mammary Glands, as He decided to call them with the Intent that She use them to feed the Children He expected the two of them to produce, and then did Breathe Life into Her, again with the Smoke from the Buds He now so liked to Smoke. Almost immediately the Man and the Woman did start the process of Reproduction while Laughing and Laughing as they became more Aroused. God saw that this was Good, and He did Smoke another Pipe of Buds before He rested and slept the rest of Day Five.
Labels: Bible rewrite, dinosaurs, disclosure, discourse, satire, snark, Texas School Board
If the Texan School Board can rewrite schoolbooks with the intent…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:10 PM Permalink
…of changing history by cutting out Thomas Jefferson (How will they explain the hugh Jefferson Monument to all the little chirrun'?)
Then I, as an atheist am free to rewrite the Bible. This is the second installment that began March 12, 2010. We pick up the story from the end of Day Two:
On the Third Day He did create animals; reptiles, lions, tigers, and monkeys and many, many, of all manner of creatures, He did create for the land, including dinosaurs large and small, and for His beautiful oceans He Created all manner of crustaceans, fish, sharks (the Great White Shark, in particular, greatly pleased Him for come reason), and to insure a sufficient supply of what He termed Food, He did also create millions of different Flora and Fauna with just a wave of His Mighty Hand, and to prevent Sloth from entering His Favorite Planet He did make it so that the Flora and Fauna flourished under the Great Light He decided to call a Sun, combined with the Great Fall Of Water He called Rain, and other nutrients from, as He named it, the Soil.
Seeing how cool were all the Things and Creatures He had constructed, He did take some clay into His Hands, and molded it into his very own image, as He saw reflected in the still waters of a Pond and confirmed by another look at the Mirror of the Cabinet wherein He kept his aspirin, He then gave this Creature the name Man because Man sounded so cool to Him, was easy to remember, and made him laugh unto Himself at all the variations the name opened up, such as, "Hey, Man," and, "What's up, Man," or, "Cool, Man."
So, satisfied with the Great Deal He had undertaken and how He had succeeded far beyond His Expectations, His Greatest Act of the Day He was to breath the Breath of Life into Man, coincidently inventing what came to later be called "Shot-gunning," or the facilitating of the exchange of the Smoke of Plants He had created that very day, and, in fact, one Plant He found particularly intriguing with its multiple finger-like leaves with white Buds as He had decided to call them; He did pick, made them Dry, and placed them into a new object He called a Pipe, lit the Buds with Fire drawn from the Sun with His Mighty Finger and breathed in the what he called Smoke. And liked the effects of Getting High and He found that It was good. It enhanced the beautiful colors of the World He had created so He continued Smoking Buds until Sleep fell upon Him. His last thought being that this was Good and would bear Repeating.
Then, before Crashing, He remembered that He had decided to end the day by placing the new Creature he called Man, deciding to name him George, into one of the most beautiful, fruitful places, crawling with other creatures and just so Great that He named it The Garden of Eden for no reason other than it sounded cool, "Hey, Man, where are you going?" and Man would respond, "To the bountiful Garden of Eden You gave me, Lord." Then, still chuckling to himself He did sleep and all was Good.
Labels: Bible rewrite, children, christian hypocrisy, Conservatives, conspiracy, dinosaurs, disinformation, dissent, history, satire, snark
Part of the reason America is no longer, and may never again, be the most innovative country on the planet…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:50 PM Permalink
…from the
Huffington Post comes this article titled, "Creationism In US High Schools: 16 Percent Of US Science Teachers Are Creationists."
Quote:
ABC News reports on the findings of a study that concluded 16% of U.S. science teachers are Creationists, and that, disturbingly, one in eight are teaching creationism as a valid science:
Despite a court-ordered ban on the teaching of creationism in U.S. schools, about one in eight high-school biology teachers still teach it as valid science, a survey reveals. And, although almost all teachers also taught evolution, those with less training in science -- and especially evolutionary biology -- tend to devote less class time to Darwinian principles...[…]
However, a quarter of the teachers also reported spending at least some time teaching about creationism or intelligent design. Of these, 48 percent -- about 12.5 percent of the total survey -- said they taught it as a "valid, scientific alternative to Darwinian explanations for the origin of species".
You cannot educate a child and expect him/her to be competitive with students in more advanced countries that are receiving classical educations in true sciences and not the voo-doo, religiously based and biased educations being given to so many of our youth.
America will never again be on a level playing field when it comes to educating engineers, scientists in any/all fields, or even general scholastic knowledge with so many of our schools and teachers, inculcated in, believing, and teaching the Creationist culture of doubt, disbelief, and utterly discredited (at least in my mind) courses in evangelical 'science.'
And for any and all that want to argue this point logically, think of this: Man has been a 'hunter/gatherer' since the beginning of the species and has left the world much art to illustrate their world as they saw it.
There are ancient drawings everywhere depicting man, man hunting, man gathering, living in tribes, war, ancient mariners, etc. It seems that man was destined from the beginning to record as much as they could of men's lives, the animals they hunted and interacted with, portraits, and after paint and canvas came along, ya just couldn't stop the painting of current events, landscapes, people, the stars, and so much more.
The first dinosaur bones were, if I remember correctly, first discovered around 1815 or so in Paris, France, and turned the known world on its figurative head, setting off searches planet-wide to find out more of these creatures of the past. 1815 to now is obviously well within the 6,000 year period that Creationists try to claim that man and dinosaur coexisted.
I call utter B.S. on this.
If man and dino had coexisted, where is the artwork depicting the terrible monsters roaming the earth, where is the art showing the epic battles between man and monster? Where are the dinosaur hides that would have been taken for trophy, ceremonial wear, and display? Where are the various heads of velociraptors, T-rex, and triceratops mounted for tasteful display on the hunters walls? Just how many men did it take to bring down a brontosaurus?
Why is there absolutely no mention of dinosaurs in the greatest work of fiction ever passed off onto a gullible peoples, the Bible?
Creationism is so obviously false it defies credulity and teaches our children things that never happened, could not have happened, and does so without a shred of any empirical evidence as mentioned above. Where ARE the hides, the heads, the weapons which would have been made of the hugh teeth of many dinosaurs, or even the dandy custom carved, ornate but deadly clubs fashioned as weapons from the hugh bones of some dinosaurs?
Where are the depictions of entire tribes fighting for their lives against creatures that would have been so numerous it is highly doubtful man would have survived at all. Dinosaurs would still be roaming and ruling the earth, eating the curiously small mammals who would attack them for food or hides for shelters. Where are the vast piles of bone clearly showing the teeth-marks of hungry man?
Why are no dinosaurs depicted on the walls of the great pyramids, in the ancient cave drawings, where are the descriptions of teaching how to corner and defeat creatures that were little more than eating machines that ruled the earth for 125 million years (and Creationists only go back 6,000 years or so).
No logically thinking and considerate man or scientist would miss this utter lack of any shred of evidence that man and dino coexisted, and I challenge any Creationists to prove me wrong by providing the passages in the bible, the Koran, ancient hieroglyphics, cave art, or any other method known or unknown to man that in fact do depict events such as these in any recognized form of communication and that can be dated to a certain period.
And if you are still naive enough to believe such an unbelievable hypothesis as Creationism, well, I've got a dandy mounted triceratop's head and lovely carpets made from genuine T-rex hide suitable for use in any abode that I'd love to sell you.
If we teach our children poorly, fill them with totally false 'science', and short-sheet their educations in so many ways, America will never again be the innovative, inventive, leading society it was during the 20th century.
Just another corrupt attempt by radical evangelicals and others whom arrogantly refuse to believe we descended from the apes, but one that does an insidious disservice to our children and country when they teach, knowingly in my mind, lies instead of real science.
Labels: christian hypocrisy, Creationists, dinosaurs, disinformation, evolution, rant, science
