Friday, March 12, 2010

I've been house hunting, may have found one, I have placed my bid, so I now have time to help Texas rewrite history…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 5:34 PM Permalink

…But I think it's a serious mistake for them not to start with the Original Books upon which they base life itself, the Bible, incorporating, of course the argument that Man and dinosaurs coexisted together. This rewrite has grown much longer than I supposed it would and is much longer, so I will break it up into installments, starting with this one.

On the First Day the Lord, still hungover from his invention of what later became known as 'sacramental wine' said, "Let there be light!" And light came unto the Great Void, the Lord, reeling and repulsed, badly hungover, said, "Turn off the Light!" When He awoke he still had an aching head, so he Created Aspirin, took several pills of it and his head stopped hurting, so He said unto Himself, "That was cool, so I will allow it to stay around just in case I have another headache." But looking around He saw nothing to keep the aspirin in so He created what He decided to call a 'medicine cabinet' placed a bottle, His newest Idea, of Aspirin onto a Shelf, and just for His amusement He did make a Mirrored Door that He closed and lo! gazing at His reflection in the Mirror said, "I did not know I was such a Handsome God!" So vowing to create Creatures to Worship His image, Hangover fading fast, He did again kick back and return to sleep and so It Was. The First Day the Lord spent sleeping off the rest of His hangover.

On the Second Day He again called for Light, and the Lord didn't like the emptiness, the Great Void, surrounding him, the only object within view a Ball so dense and heavy not even the Omnipotent one himself could pick it up, move it in anyway, or do anything fun with it, so the Lord did cast a mighty bolt of Energy that caused the Ball to explode with such great force that it knocked the the Lord on his ass and thereafter all He did was watch galaxies being created, some loose, some spinning, some not, red hot orbs He called Suns, and whirling discs of debris that slowly joined together to become Planets, another fine word he invented. He mumbled to himself, " Wow! Did I do that?" One nearby planet in particular caught his attention so He did cause Water, a brand new Idea, to fall and fall until Earth shone as a blue jewel in comparison to the other trillions of suns and planets in the broad open Lesser Voids in space. These Lesser Voids quickly started to bore Him so he decided to do something that would amuse Himself, maybe something capable of bringing a mighty Laugh unto the Lord.

So, He created the oceans, seven (His lucky number) seas, and a single hugh piece of dry land. The dry land disturbed the Lord as the aesthetics didn't look quite right, so he broke the Land up into Great Segments, spacing them until they appealed to his Eye and thusly created the Continents, which pleased Him greatly except for the bareness everywhere. Then He did return to sleeping for the rest of the day to ready Himself for the fun He was to have when He awoke to finally rid Himself of what He had decided to call a Hangover that tended to interfere with having Fun. Another new concept conceived at the very moment He did choose to conceive it, and it was good. He decided to Crash as tomorrow would be a Fun though busy day.

[Installment Two, Day Three, coming soon. How did those silly bastards on Texas School Board thing they could revise schoolbooks without revising the Bible first? Typical government thinking. Bill]

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