Thursday, July 08, 2010


posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:24 PM Permalink

…DATELINE: Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.

On this, the second day of a daring, never before tried drive across the Gulf of Mexico it has been found that the GPS, compasses, sextants, maps, and all other forms of guidance systems are failing to keep the American expedition, lead by the Vidiot, on course for the first successful drive across the Gulf to meet in a neutral location with President Felipe Calderon of Mexico and President/Dictator of Cuba, Raul Castro, to negotiate treaties and trade agreements with the disaffected citizens of the newly formed Gulf States of America, which is itself struggling to secede from the United States of America.

As it happens the Vidiot has discovered waves of oil that that baked solid in the bright semi-tropical sunshine, creating large parts of the gulf that are now "mini-hillsides" for which the vehicles must slowly climb up the "tar hills" as the delegation now refers to them, and then struggle to maintain control on the slide down the other side of the wave.

Many of the crew have begun to suffer from sunstroke, as there is no shade, various lung maladies from breathing the fumes arising from the tar hills during the days and the endless monotony of "sameness" that has been known to drive men mad.

Cooking had also proved to be much more problematic than originally thought it would be as any sparks from the barbecue grills that hit the surface must be extinguished immediately before it can spread and weaken the surface.

In fact the one thing upon which the crew seems to universally agree upon is that sleeping on the surface, especially in softer areas is very much like sleeping upon a Swedish Tem-pur Pedic Bed.

No one knows at this point just why every navigation system has failed but the Vidiot seems to think that the Gulf hardening into a solid surface may be altering the magnetic fields read by compasses and the sextants are proving useless due to the lack of distinguishable landmarks and shorelines. So far only the sun has given respite as when it it is up the team can at least figure out which direction in which they are going.

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