Tuesday, September 07, 2010

4,719° it was yesterday in California, and even though my thermometer lied to me shamelessly…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:39 PM Permalink

…and did its digital best to convince me that it was only 110º inside the house, I've lived in the deserts of America before and I know heat when I feel it. Besides, when all five dogs have collapsed in various positions of repose on the cool, cool tile of our kitchen floor, reclining beneath the cyclonic winds created by four electric, count 'em, four commercial grade electric fans, it's either become too hot for any kind of activity other than seeking respite from the heat or the dogs are again pulling impractical jokes on me to try and amuse me so that the stress of this superheated air as it peels the skin from my body doesn't feel quite so bad and/or without some modicum of appreciation for their efforts to take my mind off my plight.

This is why I'm not sure how apt is Obama's claim that the gop talks about him like a dog to the cheers, jeers, and screams of whatever crowd he happens to be addressing. I wish he would stop bringing disrepute upon dogs which, thousands of years ago took one look at man and thought, "Oh, shit. Those assholes won't last a century without our help. Look how pitiful and pitiable they are! They can't see in the dark, they couldn't outrun a fat bear heading to hibernate, their hearing is atrocious and utterly lame - can't even hear all those fat, well fed field mice right beneath their feet! - and though they themselves smell awful their sense of smell is so bad they don't realize their social gaffe and discomfort this causes others, indeed, making them prey for larger beasts, and every time they try to growl, act threateningly, waving their spears about and shouting unintelligibly, somewhere a large predator dies laughing. Besides, we'll work cheap, for whatever scraps of meat they want to give us remaining from the hugh beasts we help them kill for food, a place by the fire, an appellation by which we shall be known among our peers, a scratch behind the ears, and once in a while a full-body massage. Why I predict that one day Man, as he is known, will so come to appreciate us that they will allow us indoors, a special place by the fire, and food we don't even have to hunt! I know, I know, but as unlikely as this sounds I do believe it is time to hook our rising star to that of Man, laugh all you want you frickin' hyenas!"

And how do we honor an animal this noble, by citing them as a cause for derision and contempt. Puh-lease! If the gop, republicans, conservatives, religious right, neocons, party of no, teabaggers or whatever they want to reinvent themselves to be and to be called today consulted their dogs they would learn what a bunch of pussy…cats they really are.

Think about it. Dogs come in all sorts of recognized categories: hunting and sport dogs, companion dogs, working dogs, etc., etc., etc., but cats? Long hair, short hair, and no hair. Just like the gop, all flash and pomp and not a working bone or brain in their body, 'cept for that portion of the lizard-like, primal primitive brain that controls the autonomic systems of most people (you know, important stuff like breathing, eye-blinking, beating heart, fight or flight responses), but that seems to have, in republicans, devolved to the point where, incapable of honesty, empathy, and the usual survival instincts that no longer function normally and instead allow only the pursing of their lips and the uttering of a single monosyllabic response to everything: no.

These are the people who would depose President Obama and return us to those idyllic days of illegal and unnecessary wars, the slaughtering of millions and displacement of millions more in their continuing efforts to more efficiently run and manage genocides, once again doubling the size of government and completely blowing out any possibility of ever having a balanced budget, healthy citizens, informed discourse, an adherence to our Constitution which the gop has many times taken an oath to preserve and protect and defend against all enemies foreign and domestic and then gone way out of their way to denigrate the document, call for judges to strictly enforce its provisions, except where it comes to all those provisions providing for the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that annoy the gop because they empower mere citizens and constituents and endow them with the unalienable rights granted them by THEIR maker, and not the maker, the christian god, the gop desires.

Oh! And pity the poor press! Those poor asses have the unenviable task of trying to portray the country as ready to lynch Obama and return to the good old days of gwb. The republicans are always so ready to point out endlessly that polls are "…merely a picture of how people feel at this moment of time and not accurate in the long term," when the polls are running against them but that polls are infallible predictions of the future when they are running with them. Of course, that is one area where they shine, talking out of both sides of their mouths at the same time, without using their brains and sometimes without even moving their lips! Amazing!

Look! Up in the sky! It's an endangered bird falling dead from pollution! It's an utterly unnecessary and monstrously expensive war plane! No! It's the gop! Able to allow tall buildings to be downed by terrorist-manned aircraft! Spend money faster than a speeding bullet train! More powerful smelling than an aromatic votive! Yes, born on another as yet unidentified planet destroyed by their own folly they have now arrived on earth to repeat their dismal performance, just as on the last planet they blew up with newly designed weapons no one needed anyway!

Whew! I told you the heat does funny things to me, and the heat of yesterday still has its grasp on whatever is left of my enfeebled mind today. I feel like Wimpy from the old Popeye cartoons, "I'll gladly repay you with some literacy Tuesday for some relief from the heat today!"

Ciao, bella ami.

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At 12:08 PM, Blogger The Sailor said...


Maybe what the President meant was republicans treat him like THEY treat dogs.

At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Bill;

Ever since I saw (on satellite TV) that "Dog-owners gone batshit crazy" film "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," I really do think that the world has indeed gone to the dogs.

Now, don't get me wrong, I even help this matronly college professor-type take care of her Cairn Terrier ... a pitible bag of skin rashes and undescended testicles. Anyway, I do realize that you were talking about (mostly) working dogs.


At 3:08 PM, Blogger Bill Arnett said...

Thanx, guys. You both just ratified my position.

1st Dan: If the rethgulicans treat their dogs like they do Obama every republican every should rounded up and jailed for animal cruelty.

2nd DanD: Just another Hollywood scene with drugs, hookers, smoke-filled back room gambling (with the dealer wearing one of those green visors), free flowing alcohol, and all the other tried and trued methods used by Hollywood to entice young actors into contracts that make billions for the filmmakers, millions for the dog's handler and agent, and a mere box of Kibble for the dog: a perfect example of the GOP method of hyping good things while screwing the littlest guy of all, a chihuahua. But that's, in the end, Republican Manna: screw everything and ever one they can while reaping all profits.

And DanD, I think it's wonderful that you assist the matronly college-type with caring for her small Ciairn Terrier. Study after study has shown that people with dogs live longer, more fulfilling lives than do cat owners, or persons who have no pets.


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