Monday, December 20, 2010

"Twas just days 'til Christmas, good will and good cheer filled the air…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:01 PM Permalink

…But Satan was in his usual foul humor and plainly didn't care.
"Just what is wrong me? I am still devastating handsome and oh! My Hair!
So silken and shiny red, every hair in it's place, I'm coiffed better than the Dead!"
But somehow that didn't seem to cheer him up, even Drunk and Well-fed,
So Satan decided He'd Just drop-in to visit and get High with His Oldest Friend,
The Lord God Almighty, Creator of all, Great and Small, tho' He preferred to be called Ben.
"Ben, my old friend!" exclaimed Satan, "Tell me how's it Hangin', well or by the hair of your chin?"
"It doth Hang Well, my oldest friend," replied God with a smile on his face, "Welcome! Come in!"
As Satan accepted he asked with a sly growing grin, "How's this years pot harvest been?"
"More spectacular than ever I'm so Happy you asked, it's smooth, expanding as never before,
And so odiferous that keeping the groves hidden has really become a time-taking chore!"
The Devil stared as God shouldered his way through countless bales of buds galore,
'Til at last They did arrive at the edge of the growing fields of Legendary Pot Lore.
There stood pot plants growing high and as far as the eye could see,
Legions of little brown or black and yellow striped Creatures the Lord God had named "bees"
Where flittering here, flittering there, from flower to flower, pollen gathering on the bee's knees.
"What manner of Creature is this God? Working to pollinate plants and doing it for free?"
"'Tis the beauty of the system," Lord God Almighty said, "I let them fly, they pollinate for their needs,
And without a single word of protest they graciously provide Me with that delicious nectar so I can feed
Myself and all the Creatures I please, and the bears love it so much they provide free security!"
"But god, a blind fool could plainly see that the Manner in which you built them does not allow flight!
Tell me your secrets of these striped Creatures you call bees, here, let me catch one o-o-o-o-w-h-e-e!
Damn! Did that shock and hurt me, the stinger is in my finger - PULL IT OUT PLEASE, O my O Me!"
And 'though He did laugh Mightily, it was a Good Laugh, a Friendly Laugh, a Laugh that did please the ear,
A Soothing Laugh made funnier by the Demon's obvious dislike of pain, and worst yet His show of fear!
"Now, now Great Evil One, Sir, surely a foul, evil, King of the Underworld doesn't twist this far our of gear!
Allow me please to set you up with a Great Pipeful of Pipe-filling Smoke, the best of which you will ever hear!"
And so They did, packing the Greatest Pipe in the Universe with the Greatest Pot and laid back in good cheer,
Just 'a'huffin' and 'a'puffin", Shotgunning the Smoke, Toke after Monumental Toke, 'til it did bring a tear,
And the Devil, through the tears in His Eyes, became all maudlin, reminiscing with the Great One of early years
When the Great Lord God suddenly burst into a flurry of words and told Satan of his very worst Primordial Fear,
"I fear I am becoming irrelevant, no use to anyone at all, no wants to listen to my message of Love and Hope,
So I decided to do this a different Way, knowing that for much longer I cannot really Cope,
With your Wizards, Politicians, Posers, Pretenders, Evil Religions you arouse so this year I decided on Dope,
And yes, as you stare at that Spliff and Marvel at how long your Arms have gotten, the Smell of burning Rope,
I have Drugged You, Grounded You beneath the Earth, from now on You may only sit and get high with the Pope!"
"O, Dear God, what have I done to Offend. Why do You do this to me, surely this is nothing more than a Whim!"
"No," sayeth the Lord," I'm just sick of Your Hurtful Nonsense and the innocence you teabagging-gop-ers Pretend!"

And doth does my First Christmas Poem End.

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