Sunday, June 19, 2011

I don't know how many readers might remember…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:13 PM Permalink

…the Vidiot and Dr Vidiot's last amazing but bizarre assignment…uh…vacation!…and their daring exploits crossing the then congealed-and-solidified-oil spill spilt in the Gulf of Mexico, which was recounted in some detail by this agent. (Any readers that missed this fascinating tale of their exploits may still enjoy it by searching the archives in, if memory serves, July 2010.) [Actually my memory did not serve, it never even took the order. I had to search feverishly for the search box so I could further search for the material for which I was searching. Got kinda hairy there for a few minutes, or hours, or days. I don't really know as I seem to have lost my ability to be aware of where I am in time and space, but as I do not recall having seen the sunset or sunrise I presume it is still the same day on which I began this post. Bill]

Anyway, this year the Vidiot and Dr Vidiot have really outdone themselves in exciting new adventures, surviving a perilous journey from the civilization of New York to the hinterlands of Midwest America where they have quietly carried on their duties as all good super spies and extraordinary citizens do. It seems that the NY subway tunnel system lacked sufficient space for the installing and concealing of the huge banks of Cray supercomputers and the Apple iPads necessary to fulfill their duties or provide sufficient amusement to keep them entertained in between missions…damn!…VACATIONS!

They now not only have newly dug digs within which to live but to also hide all the vital equipment they need in the miles and miles of freshly excavated tunnels beneath St Louis, with the added advantage of the broadband antennas they surreptitiously installed within and outside of the St Louis Arch of Fame and Renown using a top secret method allowing them to "paint" the antennas upon the arch to keep them invisible and undetectable by any method known or unknown or known to be unknown to Man.

It is through this massive antenna that I am able to monitor and report on their highly confidential communications with the nations top leaders regarding Dr Vidiot's discovery of a technique to force dormant volcanoes to violently erupt after centuries of inactivity which can only be described with a mix of Mandarin Chinese, ancient Mayan, and those little comic cartoons that used to come in all pieces of Bazooka Bubble gum.

The first test of this technique last year at the Eyjafjallajökull Volcano [Note: this is the decoded name of the volcano. I can't even begin to spell the encoded name as I lack the 372-character/pictographic/hieroglyphic coding/decoding keyboard required to do so. Bill] was such an explosive success that a second test using the Grimsvötn Volcano under the Vatnajokull Glacier [also decoded names, as difficult as that may be to believe. Bill] was triggered last May. The Russian judge of the results rated this successful test a 9.5 while the judge's English, French, and American counterparts all gave the eruption a perfect 10, and the Spanish judge gave it a 10.5 for the extra difficulty of causing an eruption below a glacier.

No one to whom I have spoken has yet given me a satisfactory reason for causing the eruption of long dormant volcanoes. All "they" [Black Ops Agents, CIA Snoops, and their secretaries from whom I get most of my information. Bill] will state for the record is that Dr Vidiot's invention is both vital to national security and certain to be a real crowd pleaser at a World Fair to be hosted at an as yet undisclosed location sometime in the near future. I could not get any kind of firm timeline as apparently the government is having great difficulty evicting former president of vice Dick Cheney from the "undisclosed location" he still considers his home despite finally being out of office and relegated to the Trash Bin of History for his disservice to America and into the Guinness Book of World Records as the Man Most Resembling a Rabid Bulldog.

It just positively gives me shivers down me spine, tingling sensations in my outer extremities, a funny little itch right at the exact spot on the scapula where it is impossible to scratch, and a warm, fuzzy feeling of pride to again be associated with this amazing couple: scions of scientific scientists, super-intelligent giants among mental midgets, diminutive denizens, cognitively challenged citizens, disinterested dopers, and other persons of America laboring to survive while true leaders such as the Vidiots continually expand Man's knowledge base, lend newly coined terms to the lexicon of the languages of Man, and giving of their lives and intellect and pioneer spirit to unselfishly share knowledge only they could discover using their proprietary, patented, protected, and perfected techniques to explain the hitherto unexplainable

Once again, dear reader, the task of keeping you apprised of the trials, tribulations, and just plain fun had when the Vidiots go on…vacation…has devolved to me. It is a sacred duty calling for little extra effort, negligible sacrifices, and only a meager understanding of the scientific principles or moral implications involved so it is the least I can do and as always you can count on me to do the least I can.

To the unordained neophytes, new readers, old readers, young readers, old readers again, and those who have dropped by regularly or irregularly through the years, rest assured that when thoroughly rested I will tirelessly endeavor to keep up with and recount here the true nature of the…vacations…taken by the Vidiots as I, too, envy the high-flying lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. And, frankly, that guy in that beer commercial who's supposedly "the most interesting person alive" is bull do-do, the Vidiots are clearly more interesting, informative, and not encumbered by a scraggly, scruffy grey beard.

So, as always, you'll only hear the truth of their exploits here where I, your intrepid reporter, will write of their adventures with an eye toward the truth [This is the same as an "eye" toward a fast approaching city bus or a derailed train. Bill]

And if you really believe the Vidiots are in parts unknown, south of several borders and struggling to learn Spanish, well, now you know the truth as reported from their temporary headquarters carved in the ice of the Vatnajokull Glacier a safe distance from the volcanic eruption and hot ashes, directly to me through the St Louis Arch Antenna Base, the supercomputers and Ipads below the city there, and left as a message on my telephone.

Yes, we do very important research and development here at VidiotSpeak as well as reporting on political happenings, chicanery, corruption, and the humor that normally accompanies politics, even though it is mostly ironic in nature. Maybe especially when it is ironic. You'll have to be the judge.

There will be further updates as I receive them and I am certain that all our readers are cheering for the Vidiots to once again establish new scientifically and painstakingly accurate measurements of man-made events with no apparent purpose other than blowing shit up. Important and fun work indeed!

Ciao, bella ámi.

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