MONDAYS ARE TO BE DELETED FROM ALL CALENDARS…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 10:30 AM Permalink

…forthwith, immediately, now and not later, and are forever more stricken from all calendars, the lexicon of all known, unknown, suspected to be unknown, or even known suspected unknown languages of any type spoken, transmitted, drummed, sign languaged, smoke signaled, klieg lighted by ships at sea or in dry dock, tapped out in morse code, the use of semaphore or any other form of communications whatever under threat of severe penalties and/or possible confinement for the remainder of your natural or unnatural misbegotten lives to be held secretly forever without benefit of Habeas Corpus, charges, an attorney, a trial, and of particular note, subjected to the evermore devious tortures seeping from the orifices of dick cheney's body.

More changes have been ordered today by Executive Order, leaving the stunned republican and teabag parties to mewl and whine impotently that President Obama is seeking socialized timekeeping so that he may simply order the year 2012 removed from all calendars and thus retain power. The teabagger party went absolutely berserk until rnc chairman Michael Steely-eyed explained the difference between calendars and colanders, resolving in large part the penthouse anger of the teabaggers.

The following changes are ordered forthwith:

The former day of Monday will now be known as "President Obama Luxury Yacht Day."

Tuesdays hereafter shall be "Celebrate Michelle Obama Day"

Wednesdays, long fondly known as "hump day," marking the middle of the week will now be, "Republican Humping Teabagger Day."

Thursdays will now be known as "S.H.I.T. Day," an acronym for, "So happy it's Thursday."

Fridays henceforth will be know as, "P.O.E.T.S. Day," an acronym for "Piss On Everything Tomorrow's Saturday"

Saturday shall be "P.O.E.T.S. Day, Too" representing "Piss On Everything Tomorrow's Sunday."

Sundays shall forevermore be known as, "Our Day of Worship to Our Kind and Benevolent Great Leader, President, and Supreme Being; He Whom Walks the Earth to be Served, Worshipped, Feted, Showered with Only Love and Affection, President Obama's Socialist Triumphant Celebration Day."

All schoolchildren will be educated in what will be known as the "Barry Calendar" while all copies of the Roman, Gregorian, Incan, Mayan, and Egyptian Calendars shall be wiped off the face of the earth never to be seen nor heard of again.

That is all. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…uh… NOTIFIED.

Labels: androgeny, animal cruelty, Barack Obama, cheney secrecy, humor, I'm only just one man., Michelle Obama, mickey rourke, missing nukes, public service announcement, snark.