Sunday, July 18, 2010

W-e-l-l, They ran through the grass and they ran through the brambles…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 10:47 AM Permalink

DATELINE: Somewhere on the southern edge of the Gulf of Mexico, now completely covered as would be a brand new parking lot

…They ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go, they ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em, all the way back through the Gulf of Mexico, one, two, three, four…hup…one, two, three, four…(courtesy of Johnny Horton and the Battle of New Orleans)

The Vidiot fired her weapons 'til her barrels melted down, so she grabbed an alligator and she fought another round, she filled its head with cannonballs and powdered its behind, and when she set that powder off the 'gator lost its m-i-n-d…and then, fortunately she remembered this was a peaceful meeting among trade delegations, unloaded all the alligators, and returned to watching the first ever Olympic Games between representatives of the Gulf States of America, Mexico, and Cuba, which was nice enough to have brought an entire contingency of highly trained doctors and nurses (it is believed that Cuba educates more doctors per capita than any other nation on earth, sending them outward throughout the world to provide health care, but there is still some question as to whether Cuba or the Philippines educates the most nurses).

It really didn't make much difference at this point though as although relations remained thoroughly amicable, all the parties mutually agreed that further negotiation was useless until the issue of what would be done with the state of texas (which in order to start deflating their wildly overblown image of superiority will forevermore no longer be capitalized as a proper noun as there is nothing proper or noun-y about the ever more asinine and irrelevant people or state of texas).

It seems that neither Mexico nor Cuba was willing to enter any treaty with the most bigoted state, texas, known to exist to man, woman, and innocent children either now or hitherto. The Vidiot did her very best to give texas back to Mexico, but for the Mexicans that was a deal breaker. Far too many jobs were being lost in Mexico to people fleeing texas seeking a better life, good jobs, and first class benefits to include vacation and retirement.

The Mexican representative explained that these texacanos made no effort to assimilate themselves within the Mexican lifestyle, refusing to learn to speak Mexican or demonstrate skills necessary to contribute meaningfully to the Mexican economy. It seems that the Mexican envoy was well-schooled and perfectly well aware that only three words – yep, nope, and s-h-i-t – were taught in texas schools and were the only words necessary to travel from one side of the state to the other without difficulty.

Any elucidation or expounding of any other words or concepts was considered an act of war in texas and the Mexicans and Cubans, both being vastly better educated, having received a classical education as in the days of old, were reticent about allowing the seriously mentally defective, hostile, bigoted, racist, misogynistic citizens of texas the privilege of migrating to Cuba or Mexico.

Cuban President/Dictator Raul Castro totally cracked up the delegations during one of the lighter moments when he queried,"Does any one here know how you can bury a texan in one of our finest cigar boxes? First you kick the shit out of them!" Drawing gales of laughter from the combined delegations.

As no further agreement would be forthcoming until the texas matter could be resolved the delegations cracked open a few dozen more bottles of Mexico's finest tequila, opened the second, still full, tin of rolled hybrid grass and a good time was had by all as the delegations bid all a friendly farewell and vowed to meet again in the near or distant future, or both.

But the importance of the Vidiot's first ever DRIVE across the now almost completely congealed and hardened Gulf of Mexico will insure that she lives on in history for all time and will forever dispense with any allegations that women are not good drivers. (I may be getting carried away with enthusiasm or strong drink or drugs here.)

I have to admit that it brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it or get a stray hair or eyelash in my eye.

CONGRATULATIONS VIDIOT AND DR VIDIOT! And I'm sure VidiotMom is every bit as proud of you as the rest of the staff and I are of you both. Motor on, sister!

Ciao, bella ámi.


Note to DanD: I finally finished "Job," and found it to be wonderful. Thank you again, sirrah, it was most entertaining, as I always find Heinlein to be, and I sincerely hope I can maintain cognizance of it after the next rotation of the ever turning shish kabob-like rods holding the blocks with the pictures, sounds, memories, bits, pieces, flotsam, and jetsam of my mind. Although I generally find being insane to not only not be too bad, sometimes even enjoyable, other times I sink so deeply into pain/depression leading to depression/pain in a never ending vicious circle spiraling down seemingly without end. I will remember your gift fondly always and no doubt read it over and over as I do with all the books I really enjoy. I am sorry it took this long for me to pass this on to you as I have slipped in and out of my mind. Thank You.

Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home