Day Seven and the last of my endeavor to relieve…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:42 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board of having to rewrite the Bible. They are far too busy rewriting American History to delete Thomas Jefferson, the primary writer of the Declaration of Independence and one of several writers of our U.S. Constitution, so that they can hide from the little chirrun' the truth of the founding of America.
My story picks up at the beginning of the beginning of Day Seven:
When God awakened on Day Seven He was shocked to find another Apparition, almost Equally Strong as God Himself, sitting Calmly and Partaking of the Lord's Pipe and Smoking His Pot as Casually as if it belonged to him instead of God. Curiously curious as to Who or What this New Apparition was the Lord did not immediately Grow Angry at this Trespass and merely Inquired, "And Who might You Be and What makes You Believe You May freely Partake of My Pot?"
In a comparably Neutral Voice as the Lord's had been when making His Inquiry the Apparition, now taking a More Solid Appearance with Horns on his Forehead, a Forked Tongue, and a Whip-like Tail trailing behind Him, His Complexion becoming Red in Appearance did reply, "Please allow Me to Introduce Myself, I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste…" and Before He Could continue God was Rolling Around in Space Laughing so Very Hard that Tears did Come to Be in His Eyes as He Said, "Aw, C'mon! Who do you think You are Fooling with an Opening Introduction that Pompous?"
Apparently taking no Umbrage at the Lord's Laughter the New Guy did Begin to Laugh with the Lord, saying, "Well, hey, You can't Blame a Guy for Trying!" and then He did Pass the Lit Pipe to the Lord and Continued, "I am the Natural Consequence of Having Cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. I am the Evil One, Counterpart to Thyself, and I am to be Called the Devil."
By now, thoroughly Stoned, God did Pass the Pipe back to the Devil, Still Laughing as he asked, "The Evil One? The Devil? Surely Thou Doth Jest and are merely taking Advantage of My Good Mood and Great High to pull My Leg, in good Humor, of course." The devil did take a Mighty Hit of Pot from the Pipe and told God, "No, Really, I am not Kidding. When you cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden You did Cause the Creation of Me, the Devil, Beelzebub to be More Informal, but I am here to do Mighty Battle with You for the Souls of Man, to Boldly go where No Evil has ever Gone Before, To Seek Out New Life and…"
"And Yada, Yada, Yada," laughed God as the Devil did Pass the Pipe back to Him. "And What is It that makes You believe that I will not just… Smite You?…Smote you?… oh, Hell, why wouldn't I just Blow You Up?"
"Hell. Hell. Yeah, That's the Ticket, I shall call my domain Hell and fill it Up with Such Evil and Naked Women in Bondage that One Day there will be a Political Party that will find Me Impossible to Resist! And, Lo, they Shall be Called Republicans! Yeah! W-h-o-o-o-o-e-e-e! Son of a Gun We'll have Big Fun on the Bayou! Oh, Please Pardon my Ramblings as You did Make unto Me an Inquiry as to why shouldn't You just Blow Me Up and Destroy Me and You Deserve an Answer to your Query. I Regret to inform you that after Exerting so much Effort to Create a World and fill it with Plants, Fishes, Small and Large Land Animals, and Destroying all the Dinosaurs and Distributing the Bones all over the Planet, You now Lack Sufficient Strength to 'Just Blow Me Up.' Go ahead, give it a try."
And God did Gather All the Power He could Summon, the Very Power with which He had Created the Universe and Earth, All the Power of the Trillions of Suns and Black Holes He had Created Just for Mischief, and He did Let Loose a Beam of Power Such as Has Been Seen never Before or Afterwards and Did Squarely Strike the Devil right in the Center of his Being, and Such was the Power of Such A Mighty Blast that It did Knock the Devil on His Ass and Blew Him a Million Millions of Miles into Space.
And It was Good, for Although God was Greatly tired by the Effort He did Pick Up His Pipe and Lo! There was the Devil, Who was Polite enough to Draw the Fire for God to Light His Pipe.
God could See that His Adversary was indeed too Strong for God to Merely Blow Him Up, so as he drew a Hit from his Mighty Pipe he Did Remark, "Thanks for the Lighting of my Pipe. I See now that Thou Did Spaketh the Truth when You Claimed Power So Great as to keep Me from Blowing you Up." And He handed the Pipe back to the Devil, saying, "Perhaps You are Correct and It is Only because I have Expended So Much of My Power in Creating Everything, to Include You, too, I Guess, so I have a Proposal to make unto you: Let Us Agree that this, the Seventh Day, and Every Seventh Day Hereafter We do call a Truce and Spend the Day at Leisure, Smoking my Pipe, Getting High, and, Perhaps, even sharing a Good Laugh occasionally?"
And even the Devil Himself saw that this was a Good Deal, as Although God's Mighty Bolt had not been Powerful enough to Destroy Him, it had sure Hurt Like Hell, so, chuckling at his turn of the Phrase Hurt like Hell, He Said, "That's Cool with me. You got anymore of this Great Pot?"
"Yea and Verily It is So, I have Plenty of Pot, and now that We have Declared The Seventh Day, let's Call It the Sabbath, a day of Truce and Rest, Let Us Kick Back and Enjoy another Pipe."
And So Endeth Day Seven, the Sabbath, and So Ends My Efforts to Rewrite the Bible for the Texas School Board. I know there were many, many other Chapters and stories in the Bible, But as They were Written by Men Such as Me, I consider them Not Worthy of Being Rewritten.
Ciao, bella āme.
Labels: Bible rewrite, christian hypocrisy, Creationists, crooked republican party, dinosaurs, humor, snark