Friday, December 31, 2010

Grim Tales for the New Century Fairy…

posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:40 PM Permalink

I’m Goin’ Huntin’ for New Year’s Supper

I didn’t get nuttin’ for Christmas and I’m really pissed off at Mom and Dad,
Many other kids living in dry, big boxes got presents; for us there was naught to be had.

So I grabbed Daddy’s shotgun and told my parents, “There ain’t gonna be no repeat
Of the Christmas Day spent watching the other kids eat; while we kids watched, they ate meat!”

Daddy got real quiet, Mom sobbed out of control, only my brothers and sisters asked what I’d do.
I began and when I could see I had their full attention, I said, “I’m goin’ huntin’ at the zoo!”

This was far easier than a boy of eleven like me could ever had imagined, “Food, I see food!”
I exclaimed, as I climbed a half-dead tree to the top of the fence, jumped over and there I stood,

Wild animals everywhere, lions, leopards, tigers, cheetahs, jaguars and all the big cats,
Lemurs, warthogs, boars, wombats, wolverines, and hey! Giant snakes! Look at all that!

I was feeling both cocky and confident and had set my sights on the one human resident,
The Ranger that lived there to protect the animals, be on fire watch, and do it all from his tent.

There he had radar, sonar, all sorts of listening and spying gear; enough to create and instill dread,
Believe me, I felt that awful dread, right before loading the shotgun and shooting him dead.

You can imagine the consternation when I brought the Ranger home minus all his internals,
Daddy yelled at me, Momma just held onto me, my siblings ran screamin’ from the animals,

Those big cats, unhurt, must have decided to follow me home, not knowing what to do after
The big cats caught my brothers and sisters, one-by-one, playing till I thought of calling NAFTA,

NAFTA responded with alacrity, sirens blarin’, lights flarin’, arrested one-by-one, oh, what to do?
“Wait!,” I cried,”I called you!” “You’re an enemy combatant now due to your acts at the zoo,”

Dad waved bye-bye, Mom’s tears continued to flow, I kept laughing until Mom just had to know,
“Why the laughter, why so carefree?”
“Because, mom, the judge trying this case is the one Dad most appeared before,” I said, “and all that time you thought I was behind the bench playing at the Judge’s knee,

I was blowing that S.O.B. till he was blind and could not see. Just wait, surprised you’ll be.”
Sure enough, after the bailiff called my case and the Judge saw my face all he said was,”Set those people free! Bring that boy over to sit at my knee!”

A happy ending was had by all as the judge told me there was to be no more hunting at the zoo,
No charges were filed for killing the park keeper, he’d been a lecher, a pedophile, a molester, too.

He is buried behind the courthouse, left unclothed to rot as worm food; the animals put in the zoo.
The judge invited us to a fabulous repast, my siblings gone, Dad depressed, but Mom knew exactly what to do.

Standing and tapping her glass of wine like I’ve seen them in do movies to make a toast,
Slyly she caught her husband’s eye, raised her glass to speak, saying,“This has been a terrible Christmas so allow me a quick toast, thank you for your kindness judge, but with only a single child left I certainly know now, what we’ll eat on Christmas next, so here and now I’m announcing a very special roast…” stopping to look at my face,“Why, it’s our one remaining child, the one with a face as white as a ghost!”

This is the…E-N-D.

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2 Comments:

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Dan.Eliot said...

Single fathers in need of financial assistance to make ends meet can apply for single parent grants. These programs can provide supplemental funds that may be used to help dads on a low income to afford the necessary expenses that come with raising a child. To learn more visit:

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At 3:36 PM, Blogger Bill Arnett said...

Hi, Dan,

I mean you no disrespect by calling you Dan, 'stead of Mr Eliot, we're kinda informal around here.

I've puzzled myself much trying to figure out why one of my clearly satirical posts drew such a thoughtful response, so I went to the link you provided and lo! behold!, you are exactly as you represent yourself to be! What a dirty trick to pull on a guy actually trying hard to write somethin' satirical, shocking, or "…(J)ust plain damned weird…" as Samuel Jackson would say.

Since you are as you seem I will allow your link to remain: it is positive, uplifting, and specifically addresses the issues of single fathers (I have been deliriously, seriously, madly in love with my wife, the Warrior Woman, whose very name is "miracles" {Milagros, as found in the bible, literally translates to miracles} for over 36 years).

Thank you for your comment.

 

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