posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:40 PM PermalinkI’m Goin’ Huntin’ for New Year’s Supper
I didn’t get nuttin’ for Christmas and I’m really pissed off at Mom and Dad, Many other kids living in dry, big boxes got presents; for us there was naught to be had.
So I grabbed Daddy’s shotgun and told my parents, “There ain’t gonna be no repeat Of the Christmas Day spent watching the other kids eat; while we kids watched, they ate meat!”
Daddy got real quiet, Mom sobbed out of control, only my brothers and sisters asked what I’d do. I began and when I could see I had their full attention, I said, “I’m goin’ huntin’ at the zoo!”
This was far easier than a boy of eleven like me could ever had imagined, “Food, I see food!” I exclaimed, as I climbed a half-dead tree to the top of the fence, jumped over and there I stood,
Wild animals everywhere, lions, leopards, tigers, cheetahs, jaguars and all the big cats, Lemurs, warthogs, boars, wombats, wolverines, and hey! Giant snakes! Look at all that!
I was feeling both cocky and confident and had set my sights on the one human resident, The Ranger that lived there to protect the animals, be on fire watch, and do it all from his tent.
There he had radar, sonar, all sorts of listening and spying gear; enough to create and instill dread, Believe me, I felt that awful dread, right before loading the shotgun and shooting him dead.
You can imagine the consternation when I brought the Ranger home minus all his internals, Daddy yelled at me, Momma just held onto me, my siblings ran screamin’ from the animals,
Those big cats, unhurt, must have decided to follow me home, not knowing what to do after The big cats caught my brothers and sisters, one-by-one, playing till I thought of calling NAFTA,
NAFTA responded with alacrity, sirens blarin’, lights flarin’, arrested one-by-one, oh, what to do? “Wait!,” I cried,”I called you!” “You’re an enemy combatant now due to your acts at the zoo,”
Dad waved bye-bye, Mom’s tears continued to flow, I kept laughing until Mom just had to know, “Why the laughter, why so carefree?” “Because, mom, the judge trying this case is the one Dad most appeared before,” I said, “and all that time you thought I was behind the bench playing at the Judge’s knee,
I was blowing that S.O.B. till he was blind and could not see. Just wait, surprised you’ll be.” Sure enough, after the bailiff called my case and the Judge saw my face all he said was,”Set those people free! Bring that boy over to sit at my knee!”
A happy ending was had by all as the judge told me there was to be no more hunting at the zoo, No charges were filed for killing the park keeper, he’d been a lecher, a pedophile, a molester, too.
He is buried behind the courthouse, left unclothed to rot as worm food; the animals put in the zoo. The judge invited us to a fabulous repast, my siblings gone, Dad depressed, but Mom knew exactly what to do.
Standing and tapping her glass of wine like I’ve seen them in do movies to make a toast, Slyly she caught her husband’s eye, raised her glass to speak, saying,“This has been a terrible Christmas so allow me a quick toast, thank you for your kindness judge, but with only a single child left I certainly know now, what we’ll eat on Christmas next, so here and now I’m announcing a very special roast…” stopping to look at my face,“Why, it’s our one remaining child, the one with a face as white as a ghost!”
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:58 AM Permalink
… The First Few Days After Christmas
‘Twas a few days after Christmas and the house was quiet as a dead mouse, Though it was to be expected; it had been foreclosed upon by some banker louse, Who snidely told the evictees that being unemployed they didn’t deserve a home, “So just go back to the homeless shelter and pray there remain some bones, Leftover from the Christmas repast of vermin, roaches, bedbugs, maybe even a grouse!”
Each year the numbers of the financially-challenged poverty class continues to grow, The rich grow richer faster than before, looking ahead to profits that never slow. As usual there will be a group of softhearted, touched-in-the-head troublemakers. They refuse to belief that not all people are malingerers, not all are welfare queens and takers. “Bah! Humbug! Next election all America will know the true path these people follow!”
The hungry keep getting more hungry as they eye their medicines and cans of various food, Mulling their chances and deciding whether to choose between two things, both good, Forced to choose between death from untreated illness or death from slow starvation, The rich won’t care, don’t bother them, it’s unseemly and rude to disturb the rich on vacation, Despite the mounting death rates for babies and dead veterans stacked like cords of wood.
It is easy to see the rich teaching the fate of every boy; teaching them women are toys, With phony GOP claims that Democrats are bringers and doers of “evil” and out to “destroy!” republicans, are using ancient methods found to be tried and true by gwb and Big Dick Cheney, Breaking men’s minds one gray matter whorl at a time till it is wet, gray, mushy and grainy, Look there! 2012 storm clouds already spinning faster to ready and steady the running boy.
Then come’s the elected’s swearing in, oaths to protect America and Americans are made again, Oaths we now know without doubt will never be kept, partisanship overrides country and kin, 535 people now have jobs with generous benefits, vacation, medical care; all are ready to fly, No airplanes to go buy, this corporate option must be enough, how would you pick and why? I’d pick a Radio Flyer Wagon with four Secret Service Men to push me uphill again, my friend.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:19 AM Permalink
Today my Daddy came home happier than a long, long time, a smile on his face. Standing tall again, a glitter in his eye, a look toward Ma, she teasing him by concealing herself with lace. Demurely, her skin flushing that special red color denoting arousal of sexual kinds, That very special shade of red that end’s with the rending of clothes, out of your mutual minds,
They called each their love, speaking as lovers till he called out in climax her beautiful name, She slid from the bed, lay down her garment, slowly, with erotic grace, till it came into view, An .870 Remington shotgun she fired and fired, killing him dead, turned, bringing children into view, She told them, “It’s Frederica! My name is Frederica! Is it too much to ask?” she asked as she slowly slid to the floor, sweet tender calls to, “ I begged thee, please God, my name is Frederica. Frederica! FREDERICA, not FRED you dead bastard! Dead! Oh! Oh, if Frederick could only have remembered my name!”
NOTE: I thought I'd try something different: I cannot dance, my singing kills small animals, the only beings that hang off my every word are all Boston Terriers (they are a riot!), I'm nowhere near a world class athlete any longer, I can no longer pursue, catch, and incarcerate bailskips, and, frankly, I have been having lots of writer's block lately, accounting for the paucity of my writing lately.
In addition to these Grim Fairy Tales for the New Century I am open to suggestions submitted by our readers about different issues to which you might want another point of view; I'm here. I cannot guarantee I will address the specifics of your issue (some just require too much research), but factually or funnily, I will make every attempt to entertain you - especially if you bear in mind my extreme constant pain and the effects of all the drugs I am prescribed - and taking - and a special thanks to all those who chose to completely ignore them (as I wish I could!). Enjoy yourself, be happy, and drop me a line in a comment section if you'd like more.
"Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice."
Robert Frost
That's about all I have to say about love and politics today. And, as usual, someone else said it first and best.
"Twas just days 'til Christmas, good will and good cheer filled the air…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:01 PM Permalink
…But Satan was in his usual foul humor and plainly didn't care. "Just what is wrong me? I am still devastating handsome and oh! My Hair! So silken and shiny red, every hair in it's place, I'm coiffed better than the Dead!" But somehow that didn't seem to cheer him up, even Drunk and Well-fed, So Satan decided He'd Just drop-in to visit and get High with His Oldest Friend, The Lord God Almighty, Creator of all, Great and Small, tho' He preferred to be called Ben. "Ben, my old friend!" exclaimed Satan, "Tell me how's it Hangin', well or by the hair of your chin?" "It doth Hang Well, my oldest friend," replied God with a smile on his face, "Welcome! Come in!" As Satan accepted he asked with a sly growing grin, "How's this years pot harvest been?" "More spectacular than ever I'm so Happy you asked, it's smooth, expanding as never before, And so odiferous that keeping the groves hidden has really become a time-taking chore!" The Devil stared as God shouldered his way through countless bales of buds galore, 'Til at last They did arrive at the edge of the growing fields of Legendary Pot Lore. There stood pot plants growing high and as far as the eye could see, Legions of little brown or black and yellow striped Creatures the Lord God had named "bees" Where flittering here, flittering there, from flower to flower, pollen gathering on the bee's knees. "What manner of Creature is this God? Working to pollinate plants and doing it for free?" "'Tis the beauty of the system," Lord God Almighty said, "I let them fly, they pollinate for their needs, And without a single word of protest they graciously provide Me with that delicious nectar so I can feed Myself and all the Creatures I please, and the bears love it so much they provide free security!" "But god, a blind fool could plainly see that the Manner in which you built them does not allow flight! Tell me your secrets of these striped Creatures you call bees, here, let me catch one o-o-o-o-w-h-e-e! Damn! Did that shock and hurt me, the stinger is in my finger - PULL IT OUT PLEASE, O my O Me!" And 'though He did laugh Mightily, it was a Good Laugh, a Friendly Laugh, a Laugh that did please the ear, A Soothing Laugh made funnier by the Demon's obvious dislike of pain, and worst yet His show of fear! "Now, now Great Evil One, Sir, surely a foul, evil, King of the Underworld doesn't twist this far our of gear! Allow me please to set you up with a Great Pipeful of Pipe-filling Smoke, the best of which you will ever hear!" And so They did, packing the Greatest Pipe in the Universe with the Greatest Pot and laid back in good cheer, Just 'a'huffin' and 'a'puffin", Shotgunning the Smoke, Toke after Monumental Toke, 'til it did bring a tear, And the Devil, through the tears in His Eyes, became all maudlin, reminiscing with the Great One of early years When the Great Lord God suddenly burst into a flurry of words and told Satan of his very worst Primordial Fear, "I fear I am becoming irrelevant, no use to anyone at all, no wants to listen to my message of Love and Hope, So I decided to do this a different Way, knowing that for much longer I cannot really Cope, With your Wizards, Politicians, Posers, Pretenders, Evil Religions you arouse so this year I decided on Dope, And yes, as you stare at that Spliff and Marvel at how long your Arms have gotten, the Smell of burning Rope, I have Drugged You, Grounded You beneath the Earth, from now on You may only sit and get high with the Pope!" "O, Dear God, what have I done to Offend. Why do You do this to me, surely this is nothing more than a Whim!" "No," sayeth the Lord," I'm just sick of Your Hurtful Nonsense and the innocence you teabagging-gop-ers Pretend!"
Sorry for the redo on this, but when I was copy/pasting I made a poor decision to change…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:11 PM Permalink
…the titling of individual segments and screwed it up, so here's all the post.
…I've been house hunting, may have found one, I have placed my bid, so I now have time to help Texas rewrite history… posted by Bill Arnett @ 5:34 PM Permalink
…But I think it's a serious mistake for them not to start with the Original Books upon which they base life itself, the Bible, incorporating, of course the argument that Man and dinosaurs coexisted together. This rewrite has grown much longer than I supposed it would and is much longer, so I will break it up into installments, starting with this one.
On the First Day the Lord, still hungover from his invention of what later became known as 'sacramental wine' said, "Let there be light!" And light came unto the Great Void, the Lord, reeling and repulsed, badly hungover, said, "Turn off the Light!" When He awoke he still had an aching head, so he Created Aspirin, took several pills of it and his head stopped hurting, so He said unto Himself, "That was cool, so I will allow it to stay around just in case I have another headache." But looking around He saw nothing to keep the aspirin in so He created what He decided to call a 'medicine cabinet' placed a bottle, His newest Idea, of Aspirin onto a Shelf, and just for His amusement He did make a Mirrored Door that He closed and lo! gazing at His reflection in the Mirror said, "I did not know I was such a Handsome God!" So vowing to create Creatures to Worship His image, Hangover fading fast, He did again kick back and return to sleep and so It Was. The First Day the Lord spent sleeping off the rest of His hangover.
On the Second Day He again called for Light, and the Lord didn't like the emptiness, the Great Void, surrounding him, the only object within view a Ball so dense and heavy not even the Omnipotent one himself could pick it up, move it in anyway, or do anything fun with it, so the Lord did cast a mighty bolt of Energy that caused the Ball to explode with such great force that it knocked the the Lord on his ass and thereafter all He did was watch galaxies being created, some loose, some spinning, some not, red hot orbs He called Suns, and whirling discs of debris that slowly joined together to become Planets, another fine word he invented. He mumbled to himself, " Wow! Did I do that?" One nearby planet in particular caught his attention so He did cause Water, a brand new Idea, to fall and fall until Earth shone as a blue jewel in comparison to the other trillions of suns and planets in the broad open Lesser Voids in space. These Lesser Voids quickly started to bore Him so he decided to do something that would amuse Himself, maybe something capable of bringing a mighty Laugh unto the Lord.
So, He created the oceans, seven (His lucky number) seas, and a single hugh piece of dry land. The dry land disturbed the Lord as the aesthetics didn't look quite right, so he broke the Land up into Great Segments, spacing them until they appealed to his Eye and thusly created the Continents, which pleased Him greatly except for the bareness everywhere. Then He did return to sleeping for the rest of the day to ready Himself for the fun He was to have when He awoke to finally rid Himself of what He had decided to call a Hangover that tended to interfere with having Fun. Another new concept conceived at the very moment He did choose to conceive it, and it was good. He decided to Crash as tomorrow would be a Fun though busy day.
[Installment Two, Day Three, coming soon. How did those silly bastards on Texas School Board thing they could revise schoolbooks without revising the Bible first? Typical government thinking. Bill]
If the Texan School Board can rewrite schoolbooks with the intent… posted by Bill Arnett @ 4:10 PM Permalink
…of changing history by cutting out Thomas Jefferson (How will they explain the hugh Jefferson Monument to all the little chirrun'?) Then I, as an atheist am free to rewrite the Bible. This is the second installment that began March 12, 2010. We pick up the story from the end of Day Two:
On the Third Day He did create animals; reptiles, lions, tigers, and monkeys and many, many, of all manner of creatures, He did create for the land, including dinosaurs large and small, and for His beautiful oceans He Created all manner of crustaceans, fish, sharks (the Great White Shark, in particular, greatly pleased Him for come reason), and to insure a sufficient supply of what He termed Food, He did also create millions of different Flora and Fauna with just a wave of His Mighty Hand, and to prevent Sloth from entering His Favorite Planet He did make it so that the Flora and Fauna flourished under the Great Light He decided to call a Sun, combined with the Great Fall Of Water He called Rain, and other nutrients from, as He named it, the Soil.
Seeing how cool were all the Things and Creatures He had constructed, He did take some clay into His Hands, and molded it into his very own image, as He saw reflected in the still waters of a Pond and confirmed by another look at the Mirror of the Cabinet wherein He kept his aspirin, He then gave this Creature the name Man because Man sounded so cool to Him, was easy to remember, and made him laugh unto Himself at all the variations the name opened up, such as, "Hey, Man," and, "What's up, Man," or, "Cool, Man."
So, satisfied with the Great Deal He had undertaken and how He had succeeded far beyond His Expectations, His Greatest Act of the Day He was to breath the Breath of Life into Man, coincidently inventing what came to later be called "Shot-gunning," or the facilitating of the exchange of the Smoke of Plants He had created that very day, and, in fact, one Plant He found particularly intriguing with its multiple finger-like leaves with white Buds as He had decided to call them; He did pick, made them Dry, and placed them into a new object He called a Pipe, lit the Buds with Fire drawn from the Sun with His Mighty Finger and breathed in the what he called Smoke. And liked the effects of Getting High and He found that It was good. It enhanced the beautiful colors of the World He had created so He continued Smoking Buds until Sleep fell upon Him. His last thought being that this was Good and would bear Repeating.
Then, before Crashing, He remembered that He had decided to end the day by placing the new Creature he called Man, deciding to name him George, into one of the most beautiful, fruitful places, crawling with other creatures and just so Great that He named it The Garden of Eden for no reason other than it sounded cool, "Hey, Man, where are you going?" and Man would respond, "To the bountiful Garden of Eden You gave me, Lord." Then, still chuckling to himself He did sleep and all was Good.
To show the Texas School Board… posted by Bill Arnett @ 11:57 PM Permalink
…that if you are going to rewrite history you should start with the Bible, this is my third installment towards that effort:
Upon awaking on the Fourth Day God couldn't find the Man anywhere, but He did see footprints like those of a Man followed by dozens of other footprints in the sand going in the same direction. He followed he tracks and found a corpse. The dinosaurs he had created before Man had pursued, caught, killed, and eaten the Man. All that was left of the Man was being picked clean by carrion eating birds until a Tyrannosaurus Rex burst into the clearing, picked up the bloody corpse of Man and swallowed it whole, and several vultures along with it. This did Piss Him off mightily, but with infinite patience He did start again.
He created another Man, calling him Dick, which for some reason amused Him, and placed him in as beautiful a Garden of Eden, but far from the First Garden for safety's sake. To insure that this new Man would have Someone to Help the Man, He did remove a single Rib from the Man he called Dick and created Woman. He decided to call her Lynn and he did then introduce them and told them to Populate the world by having Babies.
And He was mightily pleased with Himself and the New Man Dick and his Woman Lynn. Then he went traveling about the world, viewing it close up, from billions of light years distance, from every angle and, mightily pleased with His work He returned to the new Garden of Eden to check up on Man and his Woman. This time it was even worse. a gang of velociraptors had hunted the Man down, torn him limb-from-limb and had almost finished eating the Man. Again the mighty T-Rex came bellowing into the area and the other dinosaurs split, again allowing the T-Rex to consume the last of the corpse. The T-Rex then spotted the woman and started in pursuit, which the dinosaur easily won, killing and swallowing the Woman Lynn with a single bite.
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be destroyed so as to not eat every Man He created. So with a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for centuries, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all these dinosaur bones."
To be continued…
The Never Ending Story of the Bible as Rewritten for… posted by Bill Arnett @ 8:21 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board which wishes to rewrite history to suit themselves rather than corrupting the innocent little chirrun' with the truth.
This installment picks up where God has had his second attempt to make a Man and His first attempt to create Woman, all eaten by Dinosaurs:
That was the last straw, so in his anger God decided that all the dinosaurs must be gotten rid of so as to not eat every Man He created. So with just a wave of his hand, He grabbed a hugh asteroid from Space above and hurled it with all his might, aiming for Canada, but the pitch went way off course and hit northeast Mexico, but the Effect was as he desired, so much dust was raised that it blocked out the Sun for the rest of the Day, killing off almost all plant life, the lives of most of the Creatures dinosaurs ate, and the dinosaurs died an ugly death suffering the pangs of hunger and lack of Sunshine. And the Lord said unto himself, "Geez, that worked a lot better than I thought it would. Now I have to replenish the small Creatures of the fields and figure out what to do with all those dinosaur bones."
In a flash of inspiration He did bury the bones all over the Earth at various depths and chuckled to Himself that the next Man or Men He placed on Earth would be sorely pressed to figure out what these bones had belonged to and would give Man endless hours of entertainment digging, finding bones, putting them together like a puzzle, and trying to figure out what they were, when they had lived, how they lived, how they died, and what purpose for which they were on Earth. The more he thought about it the more amused did God become.
And so Ended the Fourth Day and the Dawn brought upon the Earth the beginning of the Fifth Day. God was very Despondent and Depressed. All His best efforts to Create Man and Woman has thus far been met with Disaster. But, determined to not give up, for after all he was God, so He did indeed restore all the small Creatures of the fields and the Fishes in the Oceans and saw that It was good, and so He did partake more of the interesting multi-fingered Plant with the Buds packed into his Pipe and again used only one of His Mighty Hands to draw fire from the Sun to light the Pipe. After much Smoking, as He had decided to call the Inhalation of the Smoke from the Pipe, His good mood was restored, He realized that five days had gone by and He had originally wanted to complete Earth in Seven days, and so he Created a New, Bigger, and Better Garden of Eden, molded a New Man out of Clay, and then he did Breathe Life unto the Man just as He was exhaling the Smoke from the Buds, and He did Laugh and Laugh and Laugh as He watched the Man catching a Buzz, so when he did again take a Rib from His New, Improved Man, much better Hung than the last two who had been very poorly Hung with the apparatus Man would use to reproduce, He was sure to make her as Voluptuous as possible, Endowing Her with Magnificent Mammary Glands, as He decided to call them with the Intent that She use them to feed the Children He expected the two of them to produce, and then did Breathe Life into Her, again with the Smoke from the Buds He now so liked to Smoke. Almost immediately the Man and the Woman did start the process of Reproduction while Laughing and Laughing as they became more Aroused. God saw that this was Good, and He did Smoke another Pipe of Buds before He rested and slept the rest of Day Five.
The Continuing Rewrite of the Bible in Order to Spare… posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:12 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board, which is frantically rewriting the history of America to exclude Thomas Jefferson from that history, of the need to rewrite the Bible. As an atheist I am at least as highly qualified to rewrite the Bible as those Texas jerk-offs are to try and rewrite American History and thereby school the little chirrun' to be ignorant of the Truth:
As Day Six dawned God awakened in a very despondent and depressed mood again, something that did cause Him Great Concern as this was the second time He had felt this way in only a few days. He did Vow that he would rid Himself of this feeling and reached for His Pipe and drew from the Sun, with His Mighty Finger, Flame with which to Light His Pipe only to discover that His Pipe was empty. And so God looked down upon his latest Garden of Eden and was Pleased to find the Man, Adam, and his Woman, Eve, were still Hard at work attempting to Procreate. This pleased God, for he did Truthfully desire for them to bring forth Progeny. He did watch for awhile, Greatly Impressed, at the Vigor and seemingly Tireless Efforts of Adam and Eve to Procreate, and it was only when they stopped for short time to refresh themselves by Swimming and Splashing with the Fishes that lived in the Lake He had installed in the Garden of Eden that he remembered that His original Reason for coming Down to Earth was to Replenish His Pipe with some Fresh Buds from the Multi-fingered Leafed Plant that, in his Wisdom, which was infinite, He had decided to call Pot, and Lo, though he searched everywhere in the Garden, from the Highest Mountain to the Shores of the very Lake in which Adam and Eve were again busy Procreating, He could find none of His Highly Regarded Pot. This Vexed Him Greatly, so He used the Power of his Position as God to plant the Biggest, Tallest, and Most Plentiful with Buds the Greatest Pot Plant to Ever Exist, even though He did have to Remove Many Fruited Trees and Plants, including the Apple Tree (as He had named it), and then did He Appear as an Apparition on the Shore of the Lake where Adam and Eve were again resting between attempts to Procreate, and He did Spaketh unto them in a Mighty Voice, "Adam! Eve! Turn thy attention to Me, All Powerful God, Your Creator, and Creator of all that you Do See and Much, Much More that You Have Not Seen and Take Heed of my Words. First, did You two smoke all the Buds from the Multi-finger Leafed Plan that I have Named Pot?"
"Why, yes O Lord, as we did find it to be a powerful Aphrodisiac that helped us with our efforts to Procreate, which is, O Lord the reason we guessed as the reason you did give us Life and this beautiful and Bountiful Garden. You got a problem with that?"
"YES!" Did the Lord God bellow in a Voice so Mighty and Powerful that it did Knock Adam and Eve Backwards and off their feet and Did Flatten many of the Plants and Caused Many of the Fish in the Lake float to the surface of the Lake, knocked Unconscious. The Ferocity of His reply Did Make Adam and Eve tremble in Fear and plead to God.
"O Lord, we did not know that this plant was so Precious unto you, and we did partake of every plant we could find until we could find no more. What need we do now, O Lord, to make Reparations unto you for our Transgression?"
And God responded, "I have Made a New Pot plant in the Grove in which the Apples do grow and you are Forbidden to partake of any Part of that Pot Plant lest You be cast from the Garden of Eden where Life will be Most Difficult to Maintain; where You shall become Ashamed of Your Nakedness; Where Sin shall come upon You in many manners most Foul and as yet Unknown unto You; and where You will no longer find Life to be so easy, Where you will have to Domesticate Animals to help You, and where You shall live a Very Hard Life!"
"O Lord, we do hear you and shall obey, but we must know if there is any other Plant, Animal, or anything of any kind which will incur your wrath should we use it? We must know this O Lord so we do not Piss you Off again."
"No," His Mighty Voice bellowed loudly, "There is Nothing Else about which I Feel So Strongly, so I Shall Not address You Again. Should you break this Covenant you shall be Summarily cast from the Garden of Eden without further Notice. Take Heed!" He did admonish them.
And so, in a manner of speaking, did Life in the Garden resume. Adam and Eve continued their efforts to procreate and did enjoy Partaking freely of the many delicious Fruits and Vegetables and Fish and other small Creatures they would capture and cook over the flames Residual from the Lightening Bolts that occasionally came with a Mighty Rainfall, Keeping the Flames going with dried branches of the many different Trees. It was only a Matter of Time that they found themselves in the Grove of Apples and discovered how very Delicious and Nutritious was the fruit of the Apple Trees. As they did eat their way towards the Center of the Grove of Apples Eve did spy the Mighty, Beautiful, and Bountifully endowed with Buds, the last remaining Pot plant which She knew was Forbidden to Her and Adam. Adam had lately developed a taste for what he called Applesauce and Eve thought that if she was very careful to leave no sign of Her Transgression, she could pick just a few Buds, mix them in with Adam's Applesauce, and no one would be the wiser.
But screw up did Eve, as in her Greed instead of taking a few small Buds from the lower Branches of the Pot Plant, she had spied a particularly Hugh Bud growing at the very top of the Plant, which had grown so stout and sturdy that it was all too easy for her to climb up among the branches of the Pot Plant and cut off this topmost Hugh Bud. She very quickly made her way back to the campsite where, sure enough, Adam has set most apples boiling to make his favorite dish, applesauce. She sent Adam to fetch fresh water from the stream and in his absence she shredded the Hugh Bud and added it to the Applesauce. It did not take long after consuming the applesauce for Adam to become Aroused and in the mood for procreating. And so they Did It and Did It and Did it until their joyous screams of joy did reach God Himself, Who had, in fact, been taking a long Nap.
Pleased with Adam and Eve's efforts he decided to Smoke a Pipeful of Buds and continue watching for a while. But when he reached down to pluck The Hugh Buds He had been Cultivating for a long time, He could not help but notice that the Topmost Bud, His Prize Bud, the Bud which he coveted over all other Buds, and the Bud He had most wanted to smoke WAS GONE! As His Rage did elevate itself into the Wrath of God He searched High and Low for his Most Prized Bud and, after finding no sign whatever of the Bud having been Smoked it occurred to Him to taste of Adam's Applesauce and It was There that he found the Remnants of his Most Prized Bud.
In a Full Blown Rage He turned the Skies Black and did Raise a Mighty Wind to drive the Rain He let loose as in a Flood, causing it to fall with such Force that Many Plants, and Small Creatures He had made were crushed beneath It. And True to his words God created a Whirlwind He decided to call a Tornado, and with the force of the Mighty Tornado He did Cause the Vacuum in the center to suck up Adam and Eve and Take Them from the Garden of Eden and drop them into the wilds of the Continent He had named Africa, where, ashamed of their nakedness they sought to cover themselves and and they did scream out and beg for the Mercy of God, who had Plucked some of the other Buds from his prized Pot Plant, loaded His Pipe and alit It with Fire He drew from the Sun with his Mighty Finger.
He got Very Stoned, and without a thought of Adam and Eve, he Got High, said,"This is some Great Sh*t!" and Smoked and got Higher and Higher until just before he fell asleep His Last Thought was that all was Well and then He did Crash for the rest of the Day.
Day Seven and the last of my endeavor to relieve… posted by Bill Arnett @ 1:42 PM Permalink
…the Texas School Board of having to rewrite the Bible. They are far too busy rewriting American History to delete Thomas Jefferson, the primary writer of the Declaration of Independence and one of several writers of our U.S. Constitution, so that they can hide from the little chirrun' the truth of the founding of America.
My story picks up at the beginning of the beginning of Day Seven:
When God awakened on Day Seven He was shocked to find another Apparition, almost Equally Strong as God Himself, sitting Calmly and Partaking of the Lord's Pipe and Smoking His Pot as Casually as if it belonged to him instead of God. Curiously curious as to Who or What this New Apparition was the Lord did not immediately Grow Angry at this Trespass and merely Inquired, "And Who might You Be and What makes You Believe You May freely Partake of My Pot?"
In a comparably Neutral Voice as the Lord's had been when making His Inquiry the Apparition, now taking a More Solid Appearance with Horns on his Forehead, a Forked Tongue, and a Whip-like Tail trailing behind Him, His Complexion becoming Red in Appearance did reply, "Please allow Me to Introduce Myself, I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste…" and Before He Could continue God was Rolling Around in Space Laughing so Very Hard that Tears did Come to Be in His Eyes as He Said, "Aw, C'mon! Who do you think You are Fooling with an Opening Introduction that Pompous?"
Apparently taking no Umbrage at the Lord's Laughter the New Guy did Begin to Laugh with the Lord, saying, "Well, hey, You can't Blame a Guy for Trying!" and then He did Pass the Lit Pipe to the Lord and Continued, "I am the Natural Consequence of Having Cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. I am the Evil One, Counterpart to Thyself, and I am to be Called the Devil."
By now, thoroughly Stoned, God did Pass the Pipe back to the Devil, Still Laughing as he asked, "The Evil One? The Devil? Surely Thou Doth Jest and are merely taking Advantage of My Good Mood and Great High to pull My Leg, in good Humor, of course." The devil did take a Mighty Hit of Pot from the Pipe and told God, "No, Really, I am not Kidding. When you cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden You did Cause the Creation of Me, the Devil, Beelzebub to be More Informal, but I am here to do Mighty Battle with You for the Souls of Man, to Boldly go where No Evil has ever Gone Before, To Seek Out New Life and…"
"And Yada, Yada, Yada," laughed God as the Devil did Pass the Pipe back to Him. "And What is It that makes You believe that I will not just… Smite You?…Smote you?… oh, Hell, why wouldn't I just Blow You Up?"
"Hell. Hell. Yeah, That's the Ticket, I shall call my domain Hell and fill it Up with Such Evil and Naked Women in Bondage that One Day there will be a Political Party that will find Me Impossible to Resist! And, Lo, they Shall be Called Republicans! Yeah! W-h-o-o-o-o-e-e-e! Son of a Gun We'll have Big Fun on the Bayou! Oh, Please Pardon my Ramblings as You did Make unto Me an Inquiry as to why shouldn't You just Blow Me Up and Destroy Me and You Deserve an Answer to your Query. I Regret to inform you that after Exerting so much Effort to Create a World and fill it with Plants, Fishes, Small and Large Land Animals, and Destroying all the Dinosaurs and Distributing the Bones all over the Planet, You now Lack Sufficient Strength to 'Just Blow Me Up.' Go ahead, give it a try."
And God did Gather All the Power He could Summon, the Very Power with which He had Created the Universe and Earth, All the Power of the Trillions of Suns and Black Holes He had Created Just for Mischief, and He did Let Loose a Beam of Power Such as Has Been Seen never Before or Afterwards and Did Squarely Strike the Devil right in the Center of his Being, and Such was the Power of Such A Mighty Blast that It did Knock the Devil on His Ass and Blew Him a Million Millions of Miles into Space.
And It was Good, for Although God was Greatly tired by the Effort He did Pick Up His Pipe and Lo! There was the Devil, Who was Polite enough to Draw the Fire for God to Light His Pipe. God could See that His Adversary was indeed too Strong for God to Merely Blow Him Up, so as he drew a Hit from his Mighty Pipe he Did Remark, "Thanks for the Lighting of my Pipe. I See now that Thou Did Spaketh the Truth when You Claimed Power So Great as to keep Me from Blowing you Up." And He handed the Pipe back to the Devil, saying, "Perhaps You are Correct and It is Only because I have Expended So Much of My Power in Creating Everything, to Include You, too, I Guess, so I have a Proposal to make unto you: Let Us Agree that this, the Seventh Day, and Every Seventh Day Hereafter We do call a Truce and Spend the Day at Leisure, Smoking my Pipe, Getting High, and, Perhaps, even sharing a Good Laugh occasionally?"
And even the Devil Himself saw that this was a Good Deal, as Although God's Mighty Bolt had not been Powerful enough to Destroy Him, it had sure Hurt Like Hell, so, chuckling at his turn of the Phrase Hurt like Hell, He Said, "That's Cool with me. You got anymore of this Great Pot?"
"Yea and Verily It is So, I have Plenty of Pot, and now that We have Declared The Seventh Day, let's Call It the Sabbath, a day of Truce and Rest, Let Us Kick Back and Enjoy another Pipe."
And So Endeth Day Seven, the Sabbath, and So Ends My Efforts to Rewrite the Bible for the Texas School Board. I know there were many, many other Chapters and stories in the Bible, But as They were Written by Men Such as Me, I consider them Not Worthy of Being Rewritten.
posted by The Vidiot @ 1:31 PM Permalink
Sure, we nerds might be healthier in the long run:
UW Sociology professor Pamela Herd found that the better a study participant did in high school, the less likely he or she was to experience poor health as they reached retirement age.
But, still, people keep trying to piss us off and we all know how stress can ruin one's health.
(And I have to say, this image really does bug me on so many levels.)
posted by Bill Arnett @ 10:27 AM Permalink
…I have to park my laptop and take today off. Damn it, jim! I'm a doctor, how the hell am I supposed to know what's wrong with him! Call an engineer, dammit!
Truthfully, I feel dreadful and just can't hang in here today. I hope I feel well enough to return tomorrow.
Forget famous surrenders of the past and ready yourself…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 12:41 PM Permalink
…for the most shameful surrender in American history, a surrender I do not believe will leave the nation intact.
Congress, both bodies, have so humbled, abased, embarrassed, and taunted each other to the point that compromise is no longer possible. It's like when a younger sibling knows secret(s) about his elders that even the youngster recognizes that were he or she were to reveal those secrets, it would be so great a breach of trust that the family dynamics would change forever, it might take decades to be forgiven (if at all), and the youngster could face complete exile from the family. Most people will innately understand this.
But, in American politics, which USED to be a family united against the world for the good of all its citizens, there is no more family extant. Now it's republicans, who care for only money and power; democrats that try to do what's best for America but are so inept, inane, and such fools that they would ask an anaconda swallowing them whole it they could negotiate to keep their finger- and toenail clippings or, in other words, democrats are so fucking stupid they would rather sacrifice their children to gain the most minute and inconsequential advantage. Independents that caucus with democrats must bear witness to the slow, agonizing death of America. And teabagging-gop-ers would rather just ostracize or execute democrats and independents.
All these political parties have abandoned rank-and-file American citizens and seeks nothing other than complete domination of the country. Each of them have violated their oath to protect and defend the Constitution against all enemies both foreign and domestic and each seeks nothing for Americans but a rough time and a hard row to hoe.
None of these parties has done anything to uplift the lives of the ill, the poor, the unemployed, the hungary, and those who must choose between a fresh can of cat food for dinner or a half tablet of vitally needed medicine.
They all posture, preen for the cameras (I can already see Beohner, speaker elect, licking his palms and smoothing back his hair so he looks good on the TV), try to come up with the most clever or outright vicious comment to make about those of a different party as they step over one of the two or three hundred thousand homeless veterans, most of whom are suffering a myriad of illnesses from repeated tours of duty in an illegal war entered to feed the ego of whom? gwb and the lying ass republicans who aided and assisted in getting us into both illegal wars.
And don't give me any horse excrement about Afghanistan being a "good" and "just" war. It cannot be just to kill and maim thousands in an attack on a nation that just happened to have a terrorist residing there. If that were so America needs to surrender to itself as all nineteen terrorists were last known to be on American soil.
It's over, folks. We had a good run right up until republicans elected a deity, Ronnie Raygun, former actor, former governor, and trader of arms to terrorists to obtain release of the hostages in Iran. And don't write me any crap about, "Reagan never did that!" It's hard to deny the crime when its perpetrator confessed on national television, isn't it?
The history of American Presidents over the last 60 years:
34th President, Republican Dwight David Eisenhower, served 1953-1961, best remembered by me for America's formerly greatest interstate highway system and infrastructure ever seen in the world and warning about the 'military-industrial complex' danger facing America.
35th President, Democratic John Kennedy, War Hero, inspired a nation and paid for it with his life, Nov. 22, 1963. I was on the third grade flag team; I cried the entire time I lowered, then raised to the top and lowered the flag to half-staff when he was murdered.
36th President, Democrat, Lyndon Baines Johnson, sacrificed any future political activities after assuming the office of the murdered Pres. Kennedy in order to get the Civil Rights Act passed. "If nominated I will not accept, if elected I will not serve."
37th President, Republican Richard Milhouse Nixon, the most famous crook ever elected, brought immeasurable shame to America with the Watergate Scandal, his plumber squad, his illegal taping, and his real feelings that, "If the president does it it's not illegal."
38th President, Gerald Ford, typical republican, pardoned almost all of the crooks in the Nixon presidency.
39th President, Jimmy Carter, worst complaint, "He's so boring!" Kept the nation at peace and living within its means, left office with $600,000.00 cash in the treasury.
40th President, Ronald Wilson Reagan, bargainer with terrorists, armed Iran against Hussein's Iraq, sent aid, weapons and training to Osama bin Laden to help fight against the Russians in Afghanistan.
41st President, George Herbert Walker Bush, family made millions partnering up with the Senior bin Laden, Osama's Dad, but was too bland to re-elect.
42nd President, William Jefferson Clinton, besides his legendary predilection for illicit sex it at least kept him too busy to spend money, left office with hugh surpluses - just like the last democratic president. Strange, huh?
43rd President, George Walker Bush, Nixon on steroids, a crook, a liar, a usurper of the Constitution, warmonger, would be dictator, bankrupted the country. Did I forget anything?
44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, political coward with just enough charisma to get elected, but lacking the guts to stand up for America and Americans, backs down from every fight, and has the smallest cojones I've ever heard of for a Harvard educated attorney. He is the only democrat on this list with no major accomplishments (other than getting elected), he is surrendering democratic American dominance in politics to men far less intelligent than he, AND IT SUCKS A BIG ROOT!
And finally, please note that with the exceptions of Eisenhower and too-bland-to-be-real Bush the Elder, every other republican president has engaged in blatantly illegal acts in contravention of American Law and Treaties, while every democrat serving over the last 60 years may have been boring, may have had dalliances they shouldn't, but they knew how to govern for all, even the least of us, they were not war criminals, looters of weaker nations, they didn't deplete and almost destroy our armed forces.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 3:21 PM Permalink
…I had an inquiry arrive in my email box (a mythical thing existing only in the minds of unicorns, circus ponies, and Chinese acrobats unless otherwise noted in "The Book of Mythical Things," subtitled "Or Not") regarding NAFTA, yet another creature existing only in the imagination but given a semi-real treatment of its terms since one goofball former president, ghwb, pushed really hard for it, and it was signed into existence by another former president, Bill Clinton, Arkansas' greatest wrestler, seducer of women, and listed in the "Guinness Book of Irrelevant Information" as record holder for long distance spitting out of both sides of his mouth, 396 feet into a gale force wind while standing upright on one of those raging bull bucking machines simultaneously.
The question posed was this: "Why is it that when clinton established NAFTA the goal of simply raising the standard of living for all -- the process got away from us to the point that our economic standing has so drastically declined? Was that always the intention? Or did the process get away from us? Was NAFTA a scam from the beginning?" (and yes, I know that's more than one question, sheesh, I can count to three, too, y'know.)
NAFTA was signed by President George H.W. Bush, Mexican President Salinas, and Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney in 1992. It was ratified by the legislatures of the three countries in 1993. The House approved it by 234 to 200 on November 17 and the Senate by 60 to 38 on November 20. It was signed into law by President Bill Clinton on December 8, 1993 and entered force January 1, 1994. Although it was signed by President Bush, it was a priority of President Clinton's, and its passage is considered one of his first successes.
So Clinton liked it and actually signed it into law, but the inception (or conception, I get those mixed up) was initially a Prime Directive issued by Über Leader Ronnie Raygun. A young Bill Clinton eavesdropped on the negotiations from the copy room and was never noticed, much less heard the odd sounds issuing therefrom.
At the link above, also see:
The impetus for NAFTA actually began with President Ronald Reagan, who campaigned on a North American common market. In 1984, Congress passed the Trade and Tariff Act. This is important because it gave the President "fast-track" authority to negotiate free trade agreements, while only allowing Congress the ability to approve or disapprove, not change negotiating points. Canadian Prime Minister Mulroney agreed with Reagan to begin negotiations for the Canada-U.S. Free Trade Agreement, which was signed in 1988, went into effect in 1989 and is now suspended due to NAFTA.
Of course even Reagan did not, and could not, know that NAFTA was really never about free trade at all. It all began when Nancy allowed Reagan to sleep through several meetings. The topic was NAFTA, and was negotiated by Nancy, former CIA Director of the CIA, ghwb, and a conglomeration of an ever increasing numbers of aliens whose existence was being concealed by our government who cleverly renamed these vital negotiations from the original name NAFTAE, the Northern Andromedian Freedom to Annihilate Everything, to a name more suitable for covering up the true nature of this treaty by calling it NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement. Could anyone think of a more benign name?
Now for the $64,000.00 question: Does it work?:
NAFTA [North American Trade Organization] has eliminated trade barriers, increased investment opportunities, and established procedures for resolution of trade disputes. Most important, it has increased the competitiveness of the three countries involved on the global marketplace. This has become especially important with the launch of the European Union. In 2007, the EU replaced the U.S. as the world's largest economy. (Article updated December 21, 2009)
Since America gave away the store, sold the watchdogs, AND figured out how to blame the democrats by delaying signing until Clinton was in office it was a rousing success. It was easy: the aliens would suck so much money out of our financial engine, trade, that record deficits, insolvency, runaway unemployment, and the shift of financial titans from America to Europe. (Too bad we didn't trade the rethugs for something useful, like marbles, a piece of chalk, a ball of string, and republicans.)
Another $64,000.04 question…um… ANSWER from the same source as to any benefit:
NAFTA is short for the North American Free Trade Agreement. NAFTA covers Canada, the U.S. and Mexico making it the world’s largest free trade area (in terms of GDP). NAFTA was launched 15 years ago to reduce trading costs, increase business investment, and help North America be more competitive in the global marketplace.
As of January 1, 2008, all tariffs between the three countries were eliminated. Between 1993-2007, trade tripled from $297 billion to $1 trillion.
So NAFTA has been a bang up, fine and fancy, thrill a minute for all we Americans as we watched our economy tank, perhaps for good, the rest of the world laughs as the republicans, teabaggers-gop-er, conservatives, neocons, and the fanatic religious right dream up even more devious means to deprive the poor, kill off the ill, discard the infirm by using them as padding for the Big Guns of our now nearly defunct military, and STILL somehow manage to blame, successfully, the Democratic Party as the root beer of Satan's Soda Shoppe, still located conveniently on the third ring of Hell (all the other rings have been taken by or reserved for future republicans.
So there it is. Yet another major success for rethugs, more blame for democrats. Entirely understandable when we have an abject coward for president unwilling to take any drastic measures to serve those whom elected him even when he obviously has the backing of almost 75% of Americans and could win handily if he had the testicles to stand and fight back. (WARNING: Do not stand on your testicles while fighting back unless you are a trained expert.)
Well, I gotta return the "Mr. Answer Hat" I borrowed to help answering this trio of very good questions that, alas for America, means two more years of the coward-in-chief and then someone guaranteed to be worse since there isn't any politicians remaining to piss off their bosses, Michael Steele and the GOP.
The abbreviated answers:
"Why is it that when clinton established NAFTA the goal of simply raising the standard of living for all -- the process got away from us to the point that our economic standing has so drastically declined? ANS.- Clinton did not establish NAFTA. Our economy tanked thanks to father-son tag team ghwb and gwb
Was that always the intention? Yes. Northern Andromeda intends to invade and conquer us all.
Or did the process get away from us? A process we never controlled makes it impossible for it to 'get away from us.'
Was NAFTA a scam from the beginning? Asked and answered.
I do hope I have been able to help to the questioner. If not there are still Northern Andromedian WarshipsPeace Delegations still circling our Solar System waiting for their solar batteries to recharge for the trip back to their home.
Thank you for your questions, but I am afraid I will have to limit questions and answers to no more than three from each person, as here.
NOTE: Aw, hell, I'll raise the question limit to 3,694 or until I fall asleep at the keyboard.
posted by The Sailor @ 5:57 PM Permalink
My youngest brother has had a brain tumor growing in his head since he got treated for leukemia when he was 9.
At the time it was an experimental treatment, and involved chemo and radiation, massive doses of each.
All those pictures of skinny little bald kids and such that you've seen on TV? Yeah, that was him. But he survived and has been in remission for 40+ years.
But survival doesn't come without a cost. He had a seizure a few weeks ago. The local hospital he was ambulanced to knew they were unable to deal with it and ambulanced him to a hospital that had the facilities to diagnose what was going on. Massive BENIGN brain tumor.
He was in brain surgery for 14 hours. He was in ICU for days, the dainbramaged [sic] ward for weeks, a rehab facility for more weeks, but Monday he gets to come home for more rehab, but at least he's home (well, not exactly home, it's a friend's house. A competent friend who can do more for him than I/we can.)
He's had problems as an adult, and he and I have been estranged for years. But maybe that damn thing in his head was part of that. Even if we're not as close as we were at one time, I think he's going to be better than he has been for years.
On one of the most shameful days in the modern history of the Senate, the Republican minority on Thursday prevented a vote to allow gay and lesbian soldiers to serve openly in the military of the United States. They chose to filibuster a vital defense bill because it also banned discrimination in the military ranks. And in an unrelated but no less callous move, they blocked consideration of help for tens of thousands of emergency workers and volunteers who became ill from the ground zero cleanup after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.
The senators who stood in the way of these measures must answer to the thousands of gay and lesbian soldiers who must live a lie in order to serve, or drop out. They must answer to the civilians who will not serve their country when some Americans are banned from doing so for an absurd reason, and to the military leaders who all but pleaded with them to end this unjust policy. They must answer to the workers who thought they were aiding their country by cleaning up ground zero.
Again and again and again the teabagging-gop-ers must try to explain their churlish ways of preaching 'strict interpretation of the Constitution', no abortion even when the birth will kill the mother or make her suffer a lifetime raising a baby born of incest or rape, how they can give lip service to all the better things about America, while ignoring the things only a society can do: amass funds through taxes to pay for public services, transportation via bus, taxis, trains, and the planes that allow a society to survive and prosper through trade and shipping, forming police and other law enforcement entities to maintain the peace, and yet, despite certain knowledge that LBGT persons having been filling and performing these jobs for decades (Just think back to J. Edgar Hoover, a great example of LBGTs all by himself), the teabagger-gop-er's refuse to acknowledge the achievements of the LBGT community now or in the past.
I would caution Obama of an old, old saying (I remember it as if I were a small boy hearing it for the first time):
"He who has nothing to support him, is in a fair way to starve. ANON, Characters and observations, Early 18th Century
I would also like to know just what the teabagger-gop-er party would do if suddenly every military troop, or the largest part of them, "CAME OUT", declared themselves to be LBGT, and insisted upon the immediate discharge the republicans would love to give them.
NOW re-read the quotation above again, and think about it.
Step aside Jimmy Carter, h-e-e-r-r-e-e-'s Barack Obama…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:36 PM Permalink
…who desperately needs a reminder:
"Soon you will have forgotten the world, and the world will have forgotten you." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2nd Century
For so long Jimmy Carter has been one of the boogeymen of the GOP. He hasn't sunk into the mire and the mud and the muck of after-office politics, to my memory I cannot ever recall a single instance were he denigrated an opponent (in or out of office), and he did something that as a young man I thought I would never see: America at peace with the world; no staged attacks, no false provocations or pretensions toward war, no, none of the phony bullshit of every president that succeeded him in office.
Four years of peace, our children not being slaughtered, the budget of America was sound, a surplus of over $600,000 in the treasury, and then the republicans regained the office of the Presidency. It's been all downhill sledding with Dante (the one and only True Leader of the teabagger-gop-er party, dontchaknow) as he carries the country round and round, down into the ground, as fast as he can possibly carry us, only to find, when we arrive, that America has taken a dive, right into the very muck and mire we sought to survive. Barack Obama, I don't think, will be anywhere as close to being remembered kindly as Carter.
Can he build a house? HA! He went to H-a-a-v-a-a-d Law School and almost everyone has had their fill of attorneys! Boy! Back in the Eighties going to Law School was like a trip to Disneyland! Come one, come all, three short years and you, too can be an F. Lee Bailey, a Thurgood Marshall, a Johnny Cochran, rolling in money, using $100 bills to stuff your mattress! Hookers! Fame! Greed! Avarice! Power on loan from S-a-t-a-n!
The republican teabagger-gop-er party will buy your soul…sacrifice! Yeah, sacrifice your soul, that's the ticket, and bring your corporeal body with you so you can stand up in court and tell the rethuglian judge the party's wishes and he will routinely rule for you and against democrats.
And the teabagging-gop-ers? How soon they forget:
"People in the fashionable world are driven to commit as many ugly actions through snobbery as wretches are through misery. Robert de Flers and Francis de Croisset, Les Préciuuses de Genève, 1929.
And the entire country should remember the sage words of Sydney Smith, an American playwright, circa early 1900s:
I am not fond of expecting catastrophes, but there are cracks in the universe.
I have plenty more to say, having never been so entirely disgusted with any single politician in my life as I am with Barack Obama, but, alas, I tire quickly whenever my mind is set racing at light speed, all the words coming at me unchecked, so many that by the time I have typed a few, thousands more words have passed me by, lost in the endless recesses of my mind. I long ago recognized this long, slow descent into thoughtlessness, a void from which I will not escape.
But in the end isn't that what happens to us all? Screwed by the rich, specifically the rich politicians buying their way into office, shunned by the world that sees us for what we have become, and churches, a boon to the formation of early society that has twisted their ethics, beliefs, and clergy into money collectors for a god they know damn well cannot spend it. He can't spend it so these holy men step in as purported stewards of the most vast treasures ever accumulated by man and spend it on themselves and on the men that can assure the treasure collecting of the churches cannot be stopped.
Note for Vidiot Mom: Thank you for your very kind words. I find much solace knowing that my words and writing have reached out and touched someone. If you are so inclined, please obtain my email address from the Vidiot (You know her, right?) so we may correspond directly. I am further flattered that you brought my writing to the attention of others; perhaps you and your friends might care to suggest subjects for me to write about? Really, I'd like that.
posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:40 PM Permalink
Those dry Martinis did the work for me; Last night at twelve I felt immense, Today I feel like thirty cents. My eyes were bleared, my coppers hot, I'll try to eat, but I cannot. It is no time for mirth and laughter, The cold, gray dawn of the morning after. Sultan of Sulu (1903) act 2, p. 63 [not the Star Trek guy, Bill] by George Ade 1866-1944
Got that? It is no time for mirth and laughter, (T)he cold, gray dawn of the morning after. We have arrived, as I expected we would, at the cold, gray dawn of the morning of Obama's presidency. It ain't a pretty sight, is it, watching a president humble and abase himself before his republican masters? Kissing ass has been the signature hallmark of his tenure, so HE learned something, unlike the hundred of thousands of students who probably have been priced right out of the classroom and have only learned that NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE can be trusted to keep even the simplest or innocently-made promise once they actually enter office.
"A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer." (Dean Acheson 1893-1971, quoted in the Wall Street Journal, Sept 8, 1977.) They need to change the song to, "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," to I'm Dreaming of a Pink and Yellow Christmas" so all the little chirrun will understand that the shredding and consequent blizzard of shredded memoranda copies is now a quaint, though relatively new, holiday tradition in America started by those blessed luminaries of American politics, gwb and the big Dick, who at last count STILL had truckload after truckload of shredded memos being removed from an address that officially doesn't exist. Now what could be more Christmas-e that a fat old bald, filthy rich guy dumping 300,000 pounds of confetti in your yard from a guy who's address you are not authorized to know - under penalty of water boarding and unlawful confinement in a third world country still willing to torture and maim in the name of democracy?
"The enemies of freedom do not argue; they shout and they shoot." (William Ralph Enge (Dean Inge) 1860-1954, in End of an Age (1948) ch. 2.) Wow! Is it just me or does this last quotation nail the teabagging-gop-ers to the cross they so falsely worship and represents everything which the rethugs are AGAINST?
"Power to the people." (Black Party Slogan circa 1961-1968 Weren't true then. Weren't true when John Lennon (IMHO the greatest songwriter of my time) said it. Ain't true now. Power accrues to the rich! Bill Arnett 1953- , s'okay I wanted to see my name in parentheses, ain't no thang, man.)
I guess for the rest of the time I exist, or not, in one of the most despised, ridiculed countries extant today and run with a malevolent malfeasance that only the gang-that-not-only-can't-shoot-straight-but-can-only-shoot-themselves-in-the-ass can muster.
It ain't much. But it's the New Democratic Party. The line for the knee pads and prophylactics…uh…late breaking news, the teabagging-gop-ers, fully supported by pResident Obama, has outlawed prophylactics as part of new legislation to increase forced enlistment of all the poor into both the republican party and, simultaneously, the U.S. Armed Forces, in preparation for World Domination by the Teabagger-gop-er Party.
Reminds me of an old high school cheer: "REGURGITATE! REGURGITATE! THROW UP ALL THE FOOD YOU ATE! V-O-M-I-T, VOMIT - BLEHHH!
Well, continued tax breaks for the rich tell me that the son-of-a-bitch…
posted by Bill Arnett @ 11:19 AM Permalink
…that many, like me, elected based upon his promises to keep the rich in check has instead abandoned our collective Democratic Party and proven to be naught but another whippin' boy for old white rich bastards disassembling our country and our freedoms brick-by-brick.
I remember the outright euphoria I felt upon Obama's election; the thought of America's promise that any child could grow and learn and succeed through words and deeds to aspire to and actually break through the lie that was America for over two hundred years that, "…any child can grow up to be president…" when it was plain to everyone with eyes to see that such a thing could never be.
America spread the lie until it became , "…as ubiquitous as a toaster…" [comment made by Steve Jobs regarding the original Macintosh. Bill], but it is only now that women, persons of color, LBG, etc. have been making inroads to lower offices in the legislative branch for many years, sure, but showed that at least as far as the last elections were concerned that no woman would be in the top tier, for president, and, looking back at Obama's extremely skimpy political record I begin to believe he was hand picked. I can see it:
"C'mere, son. Now unnerstand that this ain't never been done before, but we believe we can get enough votes between disaffected democrats, women, blacks, Latinos, and the republican votes we can send your way that it should be a breeze getting you elected. But you gotta understand that you have to come when your summoned [and don't go peeing down your leg, boy, it's disgusting!], that you can talk a good game, but the minute you git all uppity and think you're actually going to further the democratic agenda, well, FORGIT IT! We'll come after your family, your garden, your little doggie, and we'll make it so obvious that a black man can never run this country that we'll set back the civil rights movement way back to the fuckin' Sixties, you got that, boy? And women candidates might as well forget it, too, after we unleashed Wailin' Sarah Palin on you dumbass democrats nobody will seriously think about votin' female again, at least long enough so's we teabaggin'-gop-ers can find an utterly repulsive female like a Hillary to run against one of our self-made multi-billionaire old white guys. Ain't that a hoot?"
YOU BLEW IT, BARACK. YOU BLEW IT OUT OF SHEER COWARDICE WHEN SO MANY OTHERS WERE READY TO SUPPLY YOU WITH DEMOCRATIC HELP, POWER, MONEY, SUPPORT, AND AT A TIME WHEN THE PUBLIC CRAVED LEADERSHIP, SOMEONE TO STAND UP AGAINST TEABAGGERS AND THEIR ILK, SOMEONE THEY COULD LOOK UP TO AND ADMIRE.
IF YOU HOLD YOURSELF FORTH AS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHAT A BLACK MAN CAN DO FOR HIS COUNTRY YOU HAVE FAILED UTTERLY, COMPLETELY, IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE. YOU ARE A PROVEN COWARD, AFRAID TO STAND UP TO TEABAGGERS AND THEIR ILK EVEN WHE FACED WITH RESOUNDING MAJORITIES ON YOUR OWN SIDE.
I honestly don't believe I have ever seen a weaker president in my life. More stupid, of course, I lived through the bush years, too, y'know, but weaker? More cowardly? More venal? More willing to collapse from a single screech by Mitch McConnell? One that TALKS a great game and then does absolutely nothing but surrender without regard to the damage to the collective democratic psyche and the obvious harm you swore an oath to prevent.
At least no one can claim you're a man of your word with the intestinal fortitude required to stand up for the patsy idiots, like me, that were sold down that Ole Man River by a smooth salesman of snake oil promising that you'll walk! You'll talk! You'll roll on your belly like a reptile! Come one, come all! A nickel, a dime, a quarter - anything you can spare will help re-elect the second worst president in American history!
Julian Assange's lawyers say they are being watchedWikiLeaks founder's lawyers also accuse US state department of inappropriate behaviour in not respecting attorney-client protocol [This isn't news, the Feds have been listening in on bedrooms, lawyers and clients, cell phones and all other communications for years, with out any warrants. And that's just the U.S.]
Folks, what we're seeing here is the first shot heard 'round the world of a cyber-war. Black hats and white hats, (I spend way too much time doing cyber-security), are targeting a man and his family.
It's not that simple. You can't stop Al Keda [sic] by killing Osama Bin Ladin. You can't stop WikiLeaks by killing Julian Assange. I've mirrored the site, I've downloaded the insurance file and uploaded it to other sites. I have multiple copies on media. And I'm not the only one.
What you can do is ensure everyone on the globe gets an even break AKA freedom. No starving, no imprisonment without a fair trial, (no inhumane conditions even then), health care for all.
This is the exact opposite from libertarians; they think they're special and they should get to do what ever they want. But since they rode the short bus to school, and philosophy, and economics, I'm just going to ignore them as a parent does to a child having a tantrum.
By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes:
posted by Bill Arnett @ 2:49 PM Permalink
…Open, locks, Whoever knocks! (Macbeth)
The very wickedness of the teabagger-gop-ers astounds me. I listen day after day as the rethug-teabaggers state their clear desire to destroy the institutions of government brought about after two hundred years of better-men-than-they fighting tooth-and-nail to establish the precepts of American government: freedom for all, the right to worship as a person chooses, the right of a person to choose not to swear allegiance to any religious icon or deity at all, if that be their wish, freedom of speech, the endowment of a person's unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
But, as in a movie, I see within my mind the foundation of America falling apart, catching fire, and seemingly failing as the bricks catch fire and spiral away down into the darkness that holds the soul of those most wicked, devious, teabagging-gop-ers actively calling for the further enrichment of the already rich and the withdrawal of every safety net that the democratic party has labored to put into place to the benefit of all, not just the rich, the richer, and the very richest amongst us.
It really saddens me that I just may have lived through the 'glory days' of America and, worse, that I am now watching the decline and fall of just another social experiment of men seeking to control other men through wealth, trickery and deceit, making and breaking an endless number of promises in order to gain the advantage they fancy they need to turn America into a state of the many working to serve the few, the poor further enriching the already rich, the ill suffering ever lower wages but still, somehow, able to pay for healthcare for those many, many times wealthier than they, and I know that my beloved country has already fallen to third world banana republic standing in the world.
We really have gone too far this time. As the lip's of the world's citizens slowly draws back into a primordial snarl that simultaneously indicates both contempt and disgust we continue to lose allies, further isolate ourselves from the world, and we now know for certain that most of the free countries of the wold do not trust us with the sensitive and top secret information that might one day stave off a nuclear holocaust, greatly reducing the chances of last minute phone calls that could lead to diplomacy instead of open war.
And I flatly state that in my opinion, if we come to such a destructive war, that it will be rooted in the evils done by the teabagger-gop-er-rethug-neocon-conservative party.
posted by The Sailor @ 11:10 PM Permalink
She's Not There - Zombies All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix Since I Met You - The Temptations The Boys are Back - Thin Lizzy The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra The Wreck Of The Old Number 9 - Doc & Merle Watson Wasn't Born To Follow - The Birds Oh Sheila - Prince Bugle Call Rag - Benny Goodman Asylum - Supertramp
I don't have time to suss out the Feds release of data
posted by The Vidiot @ 7:21 AM Permalink
Who really does. The most interesting thing about it though is that a lot of the money went to foreign banks. So, you know, WTF?!
Fortunately, Rivero over at whatreallyhappened.com came up with what seems to be a pretty good explanation for what all the data means.
This is what appears to be surfacing. As detailed in "Bankers Hone Wild", mortgages were cranked out by unscrupulous mortgage brokers, then resold into mortgage securities, which were in turn re-sold to investors as triple-A investments, even though the bundles included sub-prime mortgages already defaulting as US jobs were shipped overseas. Worse, we now know that individual mortgages were pledged as collateral to multiple security bundles, which is illegal! This is mentioned at 3:48 in the next video.
What appears to have happened is that the European banks realized that the American investment firms selling those mortgage-backed securities were engaging in fraud! Greenspan has admitted to such.
Obviously, the European banks are never going to sit still for fraud, even from Wall Street, even from the USA! No doubt the European banks demanded a refund on those fraudulent investment packages. No doubt the Wall Street mortgage fraudsters refused, suggesting that the bankers of Europe dump their losses on their populations just as the American banks were being forced to do. That some European banks did so explains why so many European nations are in financial trouble, with Iceland just one example. However, the larger European banks may have decided to "get tough" with the Americans, and this may explain the mysterious electronic run on the US financial system in February 2009, which almost crashed the US economy. Strangely, the American people were never informed who had initiated the financial transfers, even though obviously this information is recorded in the transactions on the computer systems.
This "attack" may have been a warning from the European main banks to the US to make good on the bad investments, or risk full public exposure for the mortgage backed securities fraud!
Soon after, we learned that the Federal Reserve was handing out trillions and trillions of dollars, loans which the American people are expected to repay, only the Federal Reserve refused to say who was getting the money, and even implied that exposure of the recipients of these trillions of dollars might pose a threat to the US economy. Now, nearly two years later, we find out that the Federal Reserve was buying back the mortgage-backed securities from European banks including Deutsche Bank and Credit Suiss.
In other words, the American people were looted to make good on the fraud perpetrated by Wall Street not only against American financial institutions, but bankers in the Eurozone as well.
The Wall Street Fraudsters should have gone to jail. But they walk free and clear, heading into a wonderful holiday with record-setting bonuses to spend while ordinary Americans have been made jobless, homeless, and hungry to keep the criminals out of prison.
The Mortgage Backed Securities fraud is the biggest fraud in the history of the United States, and as today's revelations make clear, we still do not know the full scale of the financial rape this nation has suffered.
posted by The Vidiot @ 7:51 AM Permalink
There's a lot of back and forth on the web about this bill. I frankly think that no matter what it claims to legislate, it will only benefit a corporation. With that in mind, read this list for clarification:
The Food Safety Modernization Act looks like it’s headed to become law. It’s being hailed as a “breakthrough” achievement in food safety, and it would hand vast new powers and funding to the FDA so that it can clean up the food supply and protect all Americans from food-borne pathogens.
There’s just one problem with all this: It’s all a big lie.
Here are the ten biggest lies that have been promoted about S.510 by the U.S. Congress, the food industry giants and the mainstream media:
1.(sometimes capital letters 'V' and 'S' with no space) a style of writing or saying something using emotion and/or logic and snark, esp. in order to elucidate the obvious while pretending to be objective.
2. anything written by The Vidiot, The Sailor, Mr. Vidiot and anyone else they allow to post on the blog “vidiotspeak”
[Origin: loosely based on new + speak, coined by George Orwell in his novel, 1984 (1949)]
And for godsakes, stay away from FOX, MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, and NBC.
It's ALL CRAP!!!
Watch the BBC news or ITN news instead.
"POSSE COMITATUS ACT" (18 USC 1385)
A Reconstruction Era criminal law proscribing use of Army (later, Air Force) to "execute the laws" except where expressly authorized by Constitution or Congress. Limit on use of military for civilian law enforcement also applies to Navy by regulation. Dec '81 additional laws were enacted (codified 10 USC 371-78) clarifying permissible military assistance to civilian law enforcement agencies--including the Coast Guard--especially in combating drug smuggling into the United States. Posse Comitatus clarifications emphasize supportive and technical assistance (e.g., use of facilities, vessels, aircraft, intelligence, tech aid, surveillance, etc.) while generally prohibiting direct participation of DoD personnel in law enforcement (e.g., search, seizure, and arrests). For example, Coast Guard Law Enforcement Detachments (LEDETS) serve aboard Navy vessels and perform the actual boardings of interdicted suspect drug smuggling vessels and, if needed, arrest their crews). Positive results have been realized especially from Navy ship/aircraft involvement.
